DH complaining about condom use.

[user1483804139]

Was trying to post this is sex category but it won't let me post there for some reason.

Anyway, me and DH usually combine withdrawal and condoms. Withdrawal at my least fertile times and condoms when I'm most fertile. This has always worked well but I'm not willing to do the withdrawal anymore as I've decided I definitely don't want anymore kids. I have two lovely daughters already. Anyway, the constant condom use seems to be ruining our sex life as DH complains that he can't really feel a deal and struggles to come. I've suggested he go for the snip as I don't want any hormones, I can only take the PoP and it never really agreed with me. AIBU to refuse going back on the pill and ask that he have the snip?

At the end of the day, we can all argue the toss about who's responsible for contraception, but hopefully in a loving and equal partnership it's something to be discussed in the first instance and not dictated off the bat. OP, you have considered other options and they do not work for you. Instead of it being your responsibility to do all the legwork of researching and implementing further methods to suit your DH (bearing in mind that you are actually already using a reliable method in condoms, he just doesn't like them), he needs to come to the party and make some suggestions of his own.

Things like sterilisation, coil and hormonal contraception do take a toll on the average woman (hooray for you if you find them a breeze, but that's not the reality for a lot of people) and can be tough on your body. I know that my DH's view is that my body has been through enough after years of being on the pill, pregnancy, natural birth, c section, years of breastfeeding etc. and that once we no longer want more children he wants me to give my body a break. His view is that he could not take the pregnancies and births off my hands, but he can take responsibility for contraception in the future by getting the snip. Is that really a lot to ask?

But none of the arguments take into account the nature of relationships and how much compromising comes into so many decisions that couples have to make. It isn't as clear cut as he doesn't want babies, so should have the snip, or any variation on the arguments for or against any particular contraception and who seeks it out/is responsible for 'policing' it.

It's a difficult position to maintain though: I want sex. I don't want (more) children. I don't want to wear a condom. I can't see how that can be squared.

Or ops position. I want sex. I don't want any more children. I don't mind condoms. I have a partner that doesn't want to use comdoms.

Neither of them are right or wrong here-it's a case of negotiating and being willing to compromise.

TBH, the fact that you're on the same page with wanting sex and not wanting children is a great place to start. The answer and the compromise is something that only the two of you can work out though.

I always find these threads depressing. We still seem to be working back from the assumption that pregnancy and contraception are the responsibility of the woman alone.

It's ridiculous to suggest OP should have a risky and invasive operation she doesn't want, that could leave her with pain after and even damage her libido because her DH doesn't want to wear condoms.

On one hand people are saying that discussions about contraception should be done as a couple and in the same breath saying she doesn't want any more kids so it's her responsibility.

Why is it her responsibility not to get pregnant? Why does she need to make concessions and do things she's not happy with i.e. coil and sterilisation because DH doesn't like the feel of condoms?

Why are we still so overly concerned with mens sexual enjoyment, that, not only do we place it over womens sexual enjoyment but also over her health?

Not sure why some pps seem to think OP is saying snip or no sex?

Also, a few people have mentioned that a vasectomy can be risky, and cause pain for the bloke for sex in future. Yes it happens, but why isn't the same worry being shown for women who've ended up with problems and pain during intercourse as a result of childbirth. (and people are assuming OP hasn't suffered any problems down below too)

If childbirth causes problems for women more often that vasectomies do for blokes, and op doesn't want hormones or objects stuck up her fanny then she's not unreasonable to want him to use a condom, which has no physical side effects for him or her and has high success rates when used correctly.

I don't think he should be pressured into getting the snip, and OP hasn't pressured him, but if his fear of complications is respected (and rightly so) OPs fears about the coil should be too.

Pps keep telling the OP that the coil is great, which I'm sure it is, but there's also times it's gone wrong, just like how loads of men have had the snip without problems but sometimes it goes wrong.

And as for the op who said they've heard sex with a condom isn't worth having, I've not had anyone say that since I was late teens, early 20s and it was mates boyfriends trying to persuade them to have sex without one, funny how when they were told "ok, we won't have sex then" they quickly changed their minds and is was worth having after all.

he has three choices.

abstinence
condoms
the snip.

Sex with a condom is definitely worth having. kel stop posting bollocks you know nothing about, will you?

It's all I've ever used with partners then DH, other than when I've wanted to have babies. Never had anyone complain.

Had anyone refused back when I was single PIV would have been off the menu and I'd lose interest in the bloke probably for being a twat how many bareback fucks has he had? Yuck.

My own dh was really worried about having the snip, and it's something we'd spoken in and off about for years, he was always going to look into it but we both kind of just plodded along, after 16 years of me pumping hormones into my body, the implant, the injection, the pill, I was told I should look at other options.

I'd had a breast cancer scare and while having lumps removed they found a fifth one that would have developed into cancer in future, this lump out me at a high risk and as I have a family history Of breast cancer the risk increased again, I told dh I wasn't adding to an already high risk by using anything with hormones.

He went to the gp the day after I'd been given my results, and had had his vasectomy by the end of the month, he was shitting bricks but he was more worried about me and my health, he didn't want me having anymore surgery as my body had done the childbirth and he saw how I struggled with anxiety about my breast operation, he was fine.

I'd have been happy with condoms but he didn't want to take any chances of it splitting etc, his only complaint about using condoms was the price. I remember him in Asda going "5 quid for three shags, that's expensive" :)

I can't believe that do many posters seem to think that vasectomy has so many more and more serious side effects that any other contraceptive option

I don't understand why the OP is discounting the coil?
I have a copper coil and haven't had any problems with it. It wasn't particularly painful to go in, I had 2 heavier periods afterwards but then back to normal. Better than condoms imo. It is an option that the OP doesn't seem willing to explore.

Sorry, the grin was about cromwell's tantric orgasm avoidance contribution!

The NHS pages are very clear on the risks of vasectomy, and the 1:10 change of long term pain (that they do not say can be cured, they can just offer further surgery to 'help minimise' it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to believe NHS published information.

Im very impressed that the OP still wants sex with her DH, given that

1. He sulks about wearing condoms but won't take responsibility for any alternative

1. She works and takes care of their two children AND does all the housework

I

And the side effects of other options are equally clear if have already been experienced by the op. I'm still not getting why it's all so much worse in the case of a vasectomy.

I can't believe that do many posters seem to think that vasectomy has so many more and more serious side effects that any other contraceptive option

I can't believe that some posters think that the snip is dead easy with no lasting side effects.....

No one said it's dead easy with no lasting side effects

Just that it's probably easier and safer with fewer side effects than 2 pregnancies and births

Or he could just use the condom and not need to worry about any side effects.

The side affects of a vasectomy are worse because any side affects would possibly be permanent. Side affects from other forms of contraception can be reversed simply by switching to a different method of Contraception.

There's only one method of contraception that has no side effects when used correctly, and OP' s DH doesn't want to use it.

I don't understand why the OP is discounting the coil?
I have a copper coil and haven't had any problems with it. It wasn't particularly painful to go in, I had 2 heavier periods afterwards but then back to normal. Better than condoms imo. It is an option that the OP doesn't seem willing to explore.

Same can be said about the Dh though.

I don't understand why the Dp is discounting the snip?
Dh had the snip and haven't had any problems with it. It wasn't particularly painful, He had paracetamol but then back to normal, manual labour job the next day. Better than condoms imo. It is an option that the OP dp doesn't seem willing to explore.

Sterilisation, which has been suggested alot here is also permanent, with potentially major side effects.

There's only one method of contraception that has no side effects when used correctly, and OP' s DH doesn't want to use it

Yes, it seems to be all about the OP bearing all the risk and responsibility (and many posters not seeing a problem with this) while her DP is let off scot free because vasectomies (in very rare cases) can have adverse side-effects and he does not like condoms.

Op is happy to use condoms- dh is not. He needs to come up with a fair and reasonable alternative.

As I'm always going on about here, :) dh (with no pressure from me) v kindly went for the snip - it was a disaster.

Threads like this are all the same, full of a depressing number of people who understate the risks and side effects for women and overstate the risks and side effects for men. Symptom of a sexist society if you ask me.

BPAS has a very different figure to the NHS one:
"Some men (1-2%) experience ongoing chronic testicular pain following vasectomy and this will be discussed during consultation."
www.bpas.org/more-services-information/vasectomy/vasectomy-faqs/

I wonder if the NHS's 1 in 10 figure relates to all side effects (mild and severe, short and long term) and the number who experience long-term pain is probably closer to the number BPAS quotes.

Meh, I am a feminist and I know society is sexist, but vasectomies aren't all that - since dh had his, I've met many people who have had problems but don't like to talk about it.