DH complaining about condom use.

[user1483804139]

Was trying to post this is sex category but it won't let me post there for some reason.

Anyway, me and DH usually combine withdrawal and condoms. Withdrawal at my least fertile times and condoms when I'm most fertile. This has always worked well but I'm not willing to do the withdrawal anymore as I've decided I definitely don't want anymore kids. I have two lovely daughters already. Anyway, the constant condom use seems to be ruining our sex life as DH complains that he can't really feel a deal and struggles to come. I've suggested he go for the snip as I don't want any hormones, I can only take the PoP and it never really agreed with me. AIBU to refuse going back on the pill and ask that he have the snip?

Yes, it seems to be all about the OP bearing all the risk and responsibility

As they are the one that wants no more DC. I would say the same if it was her DH.

spartacus I think that the risks from a vasectomy (and potential side effects) are worse than a coil though. I don't think there are any side effects from a (copper) coil except heavy periods and the coil is easily removed if the woman doesn't like it. The snip isn't reversible. I would have thought it's worth trying out the coil before heading down the vasectomy route.

Would agree though, the OP could just say, "tough husband, it's the condom, snip or no sex". But that doesn't strike me as very productive.

Judith - but condoms have no risks and are less invasive. But the OP's husband won't wear one. That's not productive either!

What about Essure? It's a newish, non-surgical method of female sterilisation. No GA required. Don't think anyone's mentioned it above. Google it! It's all very well us debating whose responsibility it is etc etc, but I get the impression that the OP just wants to get the job done one way or the other, here.

@sixisthemagicnumber
Not always. There can be permanent problems with contraceptives, they may be low in number, but then so is the chances if being left with permanent damage after the snip.

A friend was left with permanent problems and a risky pregnancy after a coil dislodged. Just like vasectomies, for the majority of people, there's no issues, but just like vasectomies, things go wrong, and if it's reasonable for the Dh to not want the procedure based on the lower odds of it going wrong, it's also reasonable for the Op to not want to risk the low odds of something going wrong for her too.

So if both respected each other's concerns, they'd come to an agreement where they would use the method available to them that is risk free for both, condoms.

The Op isn't the one saying condemns are not fine and that he has to ignore concerns. It's him doing that to her.

A lot of pps are rightly saying he has the right to choose what happens with his own body, while also saying she doesn't. That his worries are valid, but that hers are juvenile, selfish, silly, etc.

Both have a right to choose what they do and out into their own body, and OP is happy to use the method that doesn't involve any of them putting anything they don't want in their bodies, but the dp is saying no to the snip and no to sex with condoms, meaning he thinks the OP should be putting things in her body he knows she doesn't want because he doesn't want the condoms.

I genuinely don't understand why more people are not wondering why he is making such a fuss about the condoms, and instead tell OP to look into the coil.

I wanted no more children. Ever.

DH openly and honestly said he'd like the option of more if something happened to our marriage.

I happily got sterilised under GA, it was very quick, almost painless, and I don't have to think about contraception again, even if we divorce.

It's not about taking turns. It's about taking responsibility for your own reproductive health.

soaryacus I'm Not wondering why the OPs husband is making a fuss about condoms because I too don't like them. They give me a rash and terrible itching and I find them disruptive in the heat of the moment. I would always use a rubber one (not latex) when I was a teenager but since getting married I don't like using them.
I practise Marquette (sp?) method when not ttc and it is effective and has zero side affects. But it does
Come with the nuisance of having to avoid sex at fertile times which IMO is worth it to avoid side affects from other methods. I could never force an operation on another person no matter how minor it is.

Many people don't want a coil, it's invasive. I will never take any hormonal contraception or have anything inserted into me so condoms it is! Skyn are really good OP, my DP says they're the closest to the real thing.

It's not about taking turns. It's about taking responsibility for your own reproductive health.

Yes to this ^^

Condoms are fine - I cannot understand what all the fuss is about. They are much better than they used to be - washable reusable thick rubber jobs! Tell him to get on with it or have the snip. Why should you have a big op when he can have a tiny one? - all ops carry risks - that is just a fact of life. But they are very small - a lot less than a pregnancy.

Tell him to quit griping and just get on with it.

It's about taking responsibility for your own reproductive health

But the OP's husband should take responsibility too.

The coil is not without risk. Risks include a perforated uterus, potential sepsis, TSS, ectopic pregnancy, infection ... It can also cause heavy bleeding with is debilitating and can lead to anaemia.

Some people have a latex allergy - I do get that. But the OP's DH has not complained of this. He simply does not like condoms.

spartacus I think that the risks from a vasectomy (and potential side effects) are worse than a coil though. I don't think there are any side effects from a (copper) coil except heavy periods and the coil is easily removed if the woman doesn't like it. The snip isn't reversible. I would have thought it's worth trying out the coil before heading down the vasectomy route.

Or he could use the method he knows doesn't give him or her any nasty side effects and avoids his wife putting stuff in her fanjo that he knows she doesn't want. Why is his desire to not want to wear a condom over ride her right to choose what happens to her own body?

Would agree though, the OP could just say, "tough husband, it's the condom, snip or no sex". But that doesn't strike me as very productive.

But him saying "right wife, Im not happy to have to the snip as it might go wrong, and I know you don't want the coil or hormones for the same reason but I'm not happy to use condoms any more so go get yourself sorted" isn't very productive either.

I'd bet his options to her is "coil or hormones" rather than "coil, hormones or no sex" tbh, but I'm a cynic.

I actually don't think he's a twat for not wanting the snip, but I do think he is wrong to insist his wife put her own concerns aside because he doesn't like condoms. His wife may not like the pill, she may not like the coil, but she keeps being told to use them so that the Dh doesn't have to do something he doesn't like, when the thing the Dh doesn't like is the safest option re side effects for both of them.

He simply does not like condoms.

Based on what OP has said that is right. But as he isn't willing to have the snip then OP has to decide to either abstein from sex or take responsibility herself for contraception. If she is happy to abstein from sex if her DH won't use a condom then there isn't an issue.

And there is one very certain major side affect of having the snip - no more children and OP hasn't said that her husband is happy with that option. He might want to keep his options open. So perhaps abstinence on the absence of condoms is the only option for this couple.

lot of pps are rightly saying he has the right to choose what happens with his own body, while also saying she doesn't. That his worries are valid, but that hers are juvenile, selfish, silly, etc

^^ exactly!

I could never force an operation on another person no matter how minor it is.

Totally agree, nobody should have an operation forced on them, I hope I haven't implied they should and I apologise if I have. I'm also sorry if I made you said things you hadn't, I didn't mean to, I meant a general theme of the thread was people telling Op that she should use the coil, and is making a fuss type thing.

Condoms are a no go for some people due to allergies, and it would be different if that were the reason the DH or even OP didn't want to use them, but the dp just doesn't like them anymore, and is only offering alternatives that involve his dp having to take risks with her own health, when there's no need to, not because he should have the snip, but because the option of condoms is there, he's refusing them cos he doesn't like them anymore.

"There's only one method of contraception that has no side effects when used correctly, and OP' s DH doesn't want to use it."

Well put.

Im not saying that he should have the snip, but he should use condoms and STFU.

May not be very productive, but that's the whole point

I've seen a vasectomy done, I was allowed in to support my now-ex. It was really quick and simple. I am sure that some men have complications, but it's not the vast majority.

That said, I do think it's mostly on the person who is completely sure they don't want more kids to enact a final solution. If the couple are both sure, then I think it's fairest for the bloke to do it, as typically the woman will have gone through far more demanding things contraception wise over all. If only one of them is sure, then that person should do it. But if his argument is that the op might change her mind and therefore he is saving her from herself by refusing, not that he might want more dc, then he is being a paternalistic dick.

Based on what OP has said that is right. But as he isn't willing to have the snip then OP has to decide to either abstein from sex or take responsibility herself for contraception. If she is happy to abstein from sex if her DH won't use a condom then there isn't an issue

But the same applies to the DH, surely? Why should he not have to choose between abstinence and condoms? And if he says no to condoms then is he agreeing to abstain from sex?

The procedure IS quick and simple. But im interested how you know that the Vast majority of men don't have complications?

Of course abstinence should include both parties. The DH would be choosing abstinence by refusing to wear a condom as presumably OP would make it clear that those are the only options . If he didn't want to be abstinent then he would use a condom. If either party don't want tk be abstinent then they would decide to use contraception - either the DH using condoms or OP using some other method. As OP has said that she doesn't want more children but hasn't confirmed the same of her DH then I don't think the snip is the right option.

The vast majority of men do have a complication birdy - infertitlity. I think people are overlooking the fact that OP hasn't said her husband is happy to be sterile for the rest of his life (is sterile the right word?)

FFS this thread is awful.
OP's DP has not been forced into a vasectomy. He just needs to get over himself and put a condom on!

The DH would be choosing abstinence by refusing to wear a condom as presumably OP would make it clear that those are the only options confused. If he didn't want to be abstinent then he would use a condom

Exactly - so he has a choice along with the OP - originally it sounded as if the ball was in her court alone.