DH complaining about condom use.

[user1483804139]

Was trying to post this is sex category but it won't let me post there for some reason.

Anyway, me and DH usually combine withdrawal and condoms. Withdrawal at my least fertile times and condoms when I'm most fertile. This has always worked well but I'm not willing to do the withdrawal anymore as I've decided I definitely don't want anymore kids. I have two lovely daughters already. Anyway, the constant condom use seems to be ruining our sex life as DH complains that he can't really feel a deal and struggles to come. I've suggested he go for the snip as I don't want any hormones, I can only take the PoP and it never really agreed with me. AIBU to refuse going back on the pill and ask that he have the snip?

I'm not sure he does Helen. Last night was a pain, I'm ovulating atm, I told him this yet he still wanted to go ahead. Without a condom. Got bag on when I told him condom or nothing.

He sounds irresponsible, relying on withdrawal when he doesn't want another baby. It needs to be condoms. I'll admit we've been equally irresponsible, when we were 19... we used withdrawal too. DP always thought he knew when he had come, but during oral sex I realised that he'd ejaculate and then 5 seconds later say "I'm about to come!" so his orgasm must happen with the last little dribble and the majority of his cum has happened before he's realised. It's so unreliable!

Piglet
The sexist people are the ones having a go at the OP and telling her to use the coil or hormonal contraception.
Nowhere did I say anything against people sharing personal experiences of vasectomy. I do think that people in general tend to overstate the risks and side effects for men v the risks and side effects for women, and I think that is a result of underlying sexism, but that's not to sneer at the experiences of a minority of men.
People are missing the point by talking about vasectomy anyway. The issue is his refusal to use condoms.

Wow

That's really rubbish, esp if you've always used condoms when ovulating before.

He does sound very selfish

Wants all his fun but has no care in the world about you

You are going to have to be firm. Condom or no PIV.

Approx 90% of vasectomised men are fine after the procedure. Sure some men experience complications. Just as women suffer complications and side-effects from their surgeries, contraceptives and child bearing. The weight of consequences relating to reproductive choices is much more on women, so it's not unreasonable to ask a partner to consider taking on that risk at some point. And it was a smallish violin .

If something goes wrong with any surgery or drug or whatever, it's unfortunate, but we shouldn't bend over backwards with concerns for men when those sort of risks for us are taken pretty much for granted.

Has he said why he's suddenly against them? Maybe the brand has changed its product slightly, do they feel different.

Does he say "oh, you can just get the MAP/abortion"?!

I understand you don't have kids so wouldn't expect you to know what that entails daily

Why am i not surprised to hear that ignorant, supercilious tone from you OP?

You still don't get it, he took responsibility for contraception to his detriment - i.e his personal feelings. Now you're making him responsible yet again for all future contraception....and the only options you're willing to explore are ones that - yet again - dismiss his personal feelings.
So yea, you do have the right to say no to other options - but given your reason of I just don't want to - you are being very selfish.

It's 2017, there's no reason for any woman to be a passive victim of her own fertility

^This with bells on!

"Why am i not surprised to hear that ignorant, supercilious tone from you OP? "

Given what you said to her, ShitUp, what she said was pretty mild!

Last night was a pain, I'm ovulating atm, I told him this yet he still wanted to go ahead. Without a condom. Got bag on when I told him condom or nothing.

Does he actually want another baby?!

Thanks Soubriquet and Piglet, I will give it further thought.

Just read your last posts OP,

He sulks if he doesn't ejaculate?

That sounds awful. When he's wearing a condominium are you finding yourself tense because you know he will be pissy with you if he doesn't ejaculate? Or you agree to withdrawl and spend all month worrying about being pregnant.

If you didn't orgasm because you can't relax enough either worrying he will be huffy at the end or worrying you'll get pregnant he will be ok with you being huffy with him?

That doesn't sound like much fun for you OP.

Could you speak to family planning together about his issue with condoms? They could suggest a variety of types to try and also help you if you want to try female condoms. And if he has suddenly developed a loss of feeling in his penis meaning he genuinely can't hardly feel anything, that needs looking at too. His attitude does sound off though and I'd be annoyed if I were you too

Given what i've said?

CouldntMakeThisShitUp- his personal feelings? At not wanting to use a condom. Don't make me laugh.

I don't take kindly to being called selfish. When I'm the most selfless person in this relationship.

"yet you've had strangers shove their hands up you vagina and given birth to two dc hmm Bit late to use that excuse!"

Yep. This was very nasty. Would you say it to your sister/cousin/friend?

Shove their hands up your vagina, indeed.

I suspect you are doing this on purpose now, so I shan't respond again, ShitUp.

Would you put money on a horse with a 10% chance of winning?

Complications of vasectomy are rare.

The coil gives many women acute period pain.

He must just stick a condom on and have done with it if he is not prepared to have a vasectomy. Either that or abstain.

As someone who was sterilised many years ago, can I give you my take on it?
The fact is that when contraception fails it is the woman who has to carry the can (so to speak!), and all the cries of "It's not fair" and "He should take some responsibility now" make no difference to that fact.

If you get pregnant, you could end up, through various events, to having to have an operation, sedation, whatever.
The sedation for sterilisation is light, unlike a full anaesthetic for a major op. I was home within 2 hours, and right as rain the next day.

The sense of liberation from having to worry every month for the next 20-odd years was fantastic, and I never suffered any ill-effects at all. Contraception became completely irrelevant.

The other consideration was that i KNEW that even if something awful happened to DH I would never want any more children, whereas if something happened to me I couldn't bear the thought that he would be denied the opportunity to have more children if he had a vasectomy.

That coupled with hearing the problems his own father had after the snip made it a complete no-brainer for me. And I say for me, because as far as DH was concerned the decision was all mine, for the pregnancy-related reasons above.

Please give it some consideration, and you'll never have to worry again.

Would you put money on a horse with a 10% chance of winning?

How is that even relevant?

We're on condoms now, OP & DH booked for the snip (his idea). I was on the mini pill, but I had no sex drive whatsoever while taking it.

YADNBU childbearing, breastfeeding and caring for babies takes an enormous physical toll. It is perfectly reasonable to never take the pill again. I won't be and what my DH does is up to him.

If an antenatal test told you had a 1:10 chance of your DC having a painful anomaly, would you consider that good or bad odds?

How people perceive risk is highly subjective

I think 10% is a lot. It's 3 out of every class if 30. If measles had a lethal rate if 10%, 100 people would have died in the Wales outbreak.

And as pointed out, that figure is the NHS's evidence based assessment of risk of PVPS. There are other (serious, long-lasting, may require further surgery) complications.

I'm the most selfless person in this relationship
Doesn't sound like it to me.

Would you say it to your sister/cousin/friend?
Yes, because they'd actually hear the way i said it and would know it wasn't meant in a nasty way.

ODFOD

and the same to yourself another

I knew I didn't want any more many years after no3, so I just booked to get sterilized, took two attempts as i got sent home while waiting on the day ward. Second time round on ward down to theater ,back and home by about 2pm
only bad thing was the stitches were sore especially when stupid DH grabbed me belly a few days later
Cant see the scars and no pregnancy scares ever since