DH complaining about condom use.

[user1483804139]

Was trying to post this is sex category but it won't let me post there for some reason.

Anyway, me and DH usually combine withdrawal and condoms. Withdrawal at my least fertile times and condoms when I'm most fertile. This has always worked well but I'm not willing to do the withdrawal anymore as I've decided I definitely don't want anymore kids. I have two lovely daughters already. Anyway, the constant condom use seems to be ruining our sex life as DH complains that he can't really feel a deal and struggles to come. I've suggested he go for the snip as I don't want any hormones, I can only take the PoP and it never really agreed with me. AIBU to refuse going back on the pill and ask that he have the snip?

I'm inclined to have a smallish violine for guys that don't want to use a condom bit still expect to have sex and don't want to have any other children.

Unless he plans to have more children in future tell him to stop being a pussy and get the snip

I'll tell my DBro to 'stop being a pussy' next to time he is in agonising pain then should I'

It's reasonable to ask but it's vv unreasonable to expect or insist.

And it's just plain wrong to seek to deny or trivialise PVPS.

and don't want to have any other children

For the umpteenth time it isn't the DH that doesn't want anymore DC!

I'm not anti vasectomy brigade, cheers.

I just feel uncomfortable when people diminish the risks.

If there is a brigade, I would join the johnies.

People have completely derailed this thread with the anti-vasectomy brigade. Good job.

Not anti anything thank you.

I am anti trivalising peoples experiences and sneering.

No-one has the right to tell any one what to do with their body?

But if OP's DH wants more children, and OP doesn't, and DH won't take any steps to prevent OP from pregnancy, isn't he running the risk of potentially making her do something she doesn't want to with her body? Pregnancy? Or termination?

Another thought I just had though - has OP even said that her DH doesn't want more children? If his sudden reluctance to wear condoms is due to the fact that he would actually like more children in the near future then I think that OP should be the person who either takes responsibility for contraception or says she is not willing to have sex unless her DH agrees to wear condoms. I think there is too much presumption that both OP and her DH are in agreement about not having any more children (not presumptions by you).

That's a great point, but from threads on here it doesn't seem to work that way, or at least it doesn't when it's the woman who wants a baby and the Dh and doesn't. Women who use withdrawal with men they know don't want children are torn new arse holes when they end up pregnant, the bloke is excused for using withdrawal even though he doesn't DC.
There's a thread a few days ago where a woman thinks she might be pregnant, their method was similar to the OPs condoms and withdrawal, the husband absolutely didn't want more DC, she wanted a third, the Dh had unprotected sex with her one night and she got pregnant, shit loads of posters gave the OP a very hard time, saying she had tricked him and called her all sorts, that she was a bitch for not using more than withdrawal when she knew her partner didn't want a a baby.

What you just described is similar, one partner not using contraceptives at all because he may want a DC, even though they know the other one doesn't. If OP got pregnant after using withdrawal I don't think people would be tearing him a new arsehole, saying he's tricked her, that's he's controlling. It would again be the woman taking the flack, she'd be called stupid for relying on withdrawal when she adamant she doesn't want DC.

But here we have a woman who knows withdrawal is risky and doesn't want to use it as contraceptive method, who also isn't insisting that he undergo hormone or surgery and she's still in the wrong for wanting him to wear a condom.

I know you didn't say this, just your last post made me think of the other active one.

Man doesn't want baby, woman does, man knowing,ya has unprotected sex and pregnancy happens = the woman fault, she's in the wrong.

Woman doesn't want baby, man does, theybuse withdrawl and woman gets pregnant = the woman's fault, she's in the wrong.

Woman doesn't want baby, man does, she doesn't wants to use condoms and she's still in the wrong,

Or coil? Or pumping it with hormones? Or Sterilisation?

If the man has the right to control what he does with his body, why not the woman?

feminist

She doesn't have to have sex with him.....

feminist they both have equal rights.

There are lots of options not just for him to have the snip

True, she doesn't ha e to have sex with him. Then the thread would be bemoaning the OP for sexually blackmailing DH into having the snip, Or even having to use condoms, which he doesn't want (nothing would suprise me in this thread)!

True there are alot of options other than the snip, all of which OP doesn't want. Except for condoms which her DH doesn't want.

I'm not advocating snip, but the arguments against it can be used the other way round, as reasons why OP shouldn't have to use contraception she isn't comfortable.with.

TBF to the DH, he hasn't stopped using condoms, he's just complained about them.

What a nasty thing to say

I wasn't being nasty! That's just your perception!
I've seen what the doctors/nurses/midwives do during pregnancy and childbirth.......having a coil is nowhere near as awful.

Personally, getting my smear done is more jaw clenching than my coil.
OP hasn't even tried it to judge for herself!

Anyway, I thought marriage was about compromise?
He has by using condoms all this time and doing the withdrawal method, despite it not being what he really wanted or liked.
Now that OP wants to ensure no more pregnancies, she doesn't want to even consider any other options....and she's using the same argument he compromised on!

No-one has the right to tell any one what to do with their body?

Exactly. She can't make him have the snip, and isn't trying to force him. He equally doesn't have the right to tell her what to do with her body, if he respects her right to choose what happens to her own body he would wear a condom wouldn't he?
It doesn't sound like he saying "it's ok dw, we won't have sex" and is instead complaint about using condoms and wanting her to do things to her a body she doesn't want. If he is indeed pressuring her to take hormones or have devices inserted into her body that he knows she doesn't want, the he is acting like he has a right to tell her what she should do with her own body.

There's been many valid points about why he shouldn't be forced to have the snip, even though the OP hasn't said that.

There's been many points about why she should use methods she has already said she doesn't want to because if side effects, potential problems.

Im suprised the fella isn't getting more comments saying he's unreasonable in saying he's not using condoms when it seems like there's no reason for him to stop other thane doesn't like them.

That's just not fair though, because of the biological differences. A man cannot take a turn at childbirth. He can take turns in reversible contraception. And no-one should be pressured into surgery for the sake of taking a turn, especially when no-one has actually had a turn at the surgical option.1:10 risk of potentially incurable lifetime pain. That's just not insignificant and is worth much more consideration than a sarcastic tiny violin.

The OP isn't pressuring him though, she wants him to wear a condom. He won't because he doesn't like them.

I don't think saying have the snip or don't have sex would be acceptable here, so why is it acceptable to say to a woman use co receptive yoh are unhappy with or dobt have sex?

feminist

You're right, it's one of those no win situations.

From my point of view, the snip was the easiest for us. We had the conversation about me wanting other kids if we broke up(after 18 years I can't see it!) but that doesn't really hold with me. It's not as though when you split you don't still have your kids and any other woman would have to accept I'm no longer able.

Make it clear to DH that if you accidentally get PG you will abort

That may not be an option for op!

I believe in a womans right to be the one who chooses whether to keep it or abort it. I'm not religious either......
......but - I never ever want to be in that position of having to choose - which is why I will always take full responsibility for my contraception - and it's why i believe that ultimately it's the woman's responsibility where possible.
Being married etc won't change my personal view or feelings on that.

*What you just described is similar, one partner not using contraceptives at all because he may want a DC, even though they know the other one doesn'

It isn't similar because he hasnt refused to wear condoms and has been to see the dr about the snip, he just isn't yet sure about going ahead with it. He had even open with the OP about not wanting to permanently close the option to have more children. He hasn't (based on what OP says) tried to have unprotected sex within her fertile window.
In any case, if the combo of NFP and condoms is working well why does it need to change?

Dh hated condoms, hence we had 4 pregnancies in 5 years. After our last DD was born, I was told not to have any more pregnancies due to scar tissue in my uterus, so DH trotted off to the Drs and had a vasectomy when DD was 8 weeks old. He was fine in 48 hours and not had any problems. I had a copper coil and bled continously for about 7 months, and any pill gives me migraines so there was little choice. Incidentally, due to problem periods I got given a Mirena coil and it's been a joy. No bleeding and no cramps and best of all, no flooding.

OP, you say he's a big fella. Condoms that are too tight can cause the problems he's experienced.
This web site has a printable ruler thing that you wrap round the elect penis to determine which size you need. You can then order them from the website or Amazon.

www.mysize-condoms.com/index/

It can really make a difference. The Durex XL and Magnum ones aren't much bigger than the standard sizes, IMO.

Alternatively:

www.theyfit.co.uk

But if OP's DH wants more children, and OP doesn't, and DH won't take any steps to prevent OP from pregnancy, isn't he running the risk of potentially making her do something she doesn't want to with her body? Pregnancy? Or termination?

The OP has contraception choices though, she just doesn't like them.

If it was me that decided no more DC I would personally take responsibility for making sure it doesn't happen (and I have)

sorry but you were not really being safe beforehand using the withdrawal method so I don't see why contraception is suddenly an issue for you. Why should your DH have to have the snip to protect you?

Queenie

OP used withdrawal and cycle monitoring, plus condoms when she was most fertile.

She is happy to use condoms now as she agrees with you that withdrawal is too risky.

ShitUp

You said it in a very nasty way. I stand by that opinion.