Unrealistic expectations of 10 year relationship?

[Penguin82]

Considering ending my 10 year relationship but feeling a bit like I don't have the right to as he isn't abusive, or like I could be over reacting? My parents had an unhappy marriage so not sure that I always know what's normal..
Dp does have lots of good points:

• made sacrifices and moved country to be with me when we met.
• lovely with dd (4) and when he's home he does everything with her. Leaves the hard stuff to me if he can but if I'm not there he does it all.
• happy for me to pursue my own interests. Took care of dd for 2 weeks when I went away a couple years ago
• doesn't cheat, drink heavily, gamble etc

But.... We've (not just me, I know he has too, but maybe mostly me) been unhappy for monthe, perhaps more. This is why I think it is:
*I had a full time but easy job for a couple years so managed to do all cooking cleaning etc easily. Changed jobs 9 months ago to one with more money but more responsibility and so expect him to chip in more. We have a weekly cleaner but I also expect him to do his share of tidying, cooking (it's him that wants the big meals every night), laundry etc. He does pull his weight mostly when he's here but he isn't here much.

• dp has several very time consuming hobbies. 2 team sports and 1 moto sport. Moto sport officially takes 1 day a onto but there is lots of time and money spent on 'tinkering'. Other sports take 3 evenings a week, 1 morning and 1 afternoon eachieve weekend. He also has 2 worm at least 1 evening a week

I feel that the time and money spent on his hobbies means that we have no family life. It's not too bad in the winter but every summer Im home alone most nights, and often my own interests (and even my paid job at times) are expected to come 2nd to his hobbies. We never haduch in common on paper, but always had fun together. The last year or so it's felt like I'm just a housekeeper most of the time and that he only spends time with me and dd when it fits round his hobbies.
I've told him how unhappy I am before, eve wrote him a letter once, and things improve a little but I think it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to prioritise time with me over anything g else.

Thanks you lot. Random I'm not entirely closing the door but I think unless I let him move back in soon he's likely to give up anyway. I heard a rumour about him with a girl the other week, I don't think its true (small town gossip), but its only a matter of time I expect before something happens. There's no couples therapy available where we live. I think I'm still leaving towards believing that I'd be happier alone, but cant help but indulge in the fantasy of the great life we could be having if ex dp really was able to stop be a selfish, entitled, inconsiderate twat.
Instinctively - what did you do? Are you alone now, or did your dp sort out his behaviour? It must have been even harder than what I'm experiencing with the logistics and feelings of 3 kids to consider.

Doesn't say much does it if you think he will give up unless you let him move back in soon, hardly genuine remorse and realising what he has done is it!

If you're happier alone so be it, nothing wrong with that!

We're not together anymore. Ive cried, raged and naval-gazed, questioned my judgment.. BUT its for the best. Grieving a relationship I didnt have and could not have with him. Fisher authored an interesting model called a transition curve. I found it helpful mainly because it demonstrates that change is not a linear process, and that there are several stages to go through. Maybe it might help you?

I'll look that theory up. Thanks. I just don't know what to think anymore, I swing between feeling that I can never really be happy with him as he instinctively puts himself first and always will, and my future would be easier and happier alone - and then I see him and think that actually all men are pigs but that this one I have history with, fancy, and he seems to be genuinely remorseful and in love with me.
I thought I was good at managing my life but it seems not these days!

These things are so hard to.figure out... if he's remorseful and prepared to change then definitely give it a shot, with agred, tangible goals/boundaries. I can't imagine what it is like for you because I stopped fancying my husband. Made it easier for me...

Funny that it was my husbands dubious hobbies over a period of 5 years which ruined my relationship and ended that and a work colleague the same, she said her husband got into sports obsessively mostly cycling and their marriage fell apart.
Hobbies can be dangerous if they are taken to excess.

Bloody hobbies! The thing I'd that I genuinely believe that it's good for couples to have separate interests and hobbies, so to be cast in the role of the nagging woman who stops her man having fun really boils my piss!

Penguin your story is very much like mine.
Cycling was his thing.
Much more to my story I won't go into but I felt unappreciated, sponged off financially , and much more.

We did split up and share child care half and half.

We are friends and still love each other in a way.

But as someone upthread said (Patsy?) I hadn't anticipated the sadness of not being a United Family. This gets worse and worse as the kids get older and become their own fabulous individuals. I envy my undivorced siblings whose grown up children touch base with the family home frequently.
I'll never have that and it pains me terribly.

I wish we had tried harder.

I do have a new partner. I love him very much. But it's not perfect and the spark fades .

Mumsnet is a wonderful forum for getting your thoughts out but I do think the relationships board is shockingly biased towards getting women to get out of their less than perfect marriages.

(I am not talking about cases where a woman is being horribly abused and just can't see it. )

I was starting to soften, thinking that we could maybe spend some together, see if we couldn't just have some dates, enjoy each others company again and see what happens... Ex dp was (and is) very keen - unfortunately last weekend he had an 'encounter' with a local girl. We are mid 30's, she is 19! I know he's a man, and love and sex are different for them, but she is just so young, and its such a small town that everyone will know. Its just icky, don't think I can contemplate touching him again. The physical side was the only area where we'd never had any problems, and now I have these mental images that's ruined for me too.
Ah well, at least its made it easier for me to move on I suppose!

Urgh I'm sure it does, hasn't had time to spend with you and DD but he doesn't for someone 17 years his junior. Think you need to point that out to him tbh.

Ah well, easier to find out now than 6 months down the line I suppose