Unrealistic expectations of 10 year relationship?

[Penguin82]

Considering ending my 10 year relationship but feeling a bit like I don't have the right to as he isn't abusive, or like I could be over reacting? My parents had an unhappy marriage so not sure that I always know what's normal..
Dp does have lots of good points:

• made sacrifices and moved country to be with me when we met.
• lovely with dd (4) and when he's home he does everything with her. Leaves the hard stuff to me if he can but if I'm not there he does it all.
• happy for me to pursue my own interests. Took care of dd for 2 weeks when I went away a couple years ago
• doesn't cheat, drink heavily, gamble etc

But.... We've (not just me, I know he has too, but maybe mostly me) been unhappy for monthe, perhaps more. This is why I think it is:
*I had a full time but easy job for a couple years so managed to do all cooking cleaning etc easily. Changed jobs 9 months ago to one with more money but more responsibility and so expect him to chip in more. We have a weekly cleaner but I also expect him to do his share of tidying, cooking (it's him that wants the big meals every night), laundry etc. He does pull his weight mostly when he's here but he isn't here much.

• dp has several very time consuming hobbies. 2 team sports and 1 moto sport. Moto sport officially takes 1 day a onto but there is lots of time and money spent on 'tinkering'. Other sports take 3 evenings a week, 1 morning and 1 afternoon eachieve weekend. He also has 2 worm at least 1 evening a week

I feel that the time and money spent on his hobbies means that we have no family life. It's not too bad in the winter but every summer Im home alone most nights, and often my own interests (and even my paid job at times) are expected to come 2nd to his hobbies. We never haduch in common on paper, but always had fun together. The last year or so it's felt like I'm just a housekeeper most of the time and that he only spends time with me and dd when it fits round his hobbies.
I've told him how unhappy I am before, eve wrote him a letter once, and things improve a little but I think it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to prioritise time with me over anything g else.

Quick summary for those interested. This thread is like my diary now!

• dp behaviour - grumpy arse for a few days. Best behaviour last couple days as I think he's panicking. Still not committing to real change though. I've stopped pushing. If he doesn't get it now he never will. *dp current location - hockey! 9pm here. *dd current state - super clingy and not sleeping well. I think she's picked up on tension. Dp disagrees. *developments - have located a vacant house which either one of us can use rent free for a few weeks. Dp doesn't know yet. *my state of mind - feeling tired and guilty for wanting to separate. So many people I know have things so much worse I'm conditioned to just not rock the boat.

Need to brace myself to do what needs to be done. Feel like such a selfish bitch but I deserve to be happy, just need to tell myself that!

Sounds really positive OP, remember he's creating debt for your family for the sake of these hobbies and is prioritising them over time with his family, you deserve better than this. Keep strong OP you can do this.

Thanks for the update.
Of course you deserve to be happy.
I hope he can move out for a few weeks and see how things are without you around and what it will be like when you separate properly.
Good luck!

You do deserve to be happy. He's shown he's not willing to change. Your move now.

Actually you have to remember he is the one refusing to prioritise being a family, so it's his choice to end the relationship...

Its done. He'll be moving to spare room tonight then the short term house on the weekend. I have something to rent lined up for me and dd from 1-2 months from now until end of June if needed. Hopefully by then I'd have a new house.
DP (ExDP? seems to soon to call him that) is being a bit of a victim. Trying to make out our relationship not bad, just dd not sleeping plus me being argumentative. We only have 1 vehicle at moment, but he has one off the road so he's going to try and get it running. Told him if I keep current vehicle I'll buy his share off him, we both paid for it so fairs fair.
Luckily he's out for a work do tonight then footie tomorrow, and I have plans on Friday night (assuming he's still there to look after dd), so wont see much of each other.
Still feel guilty, but less so.

No surprise that he's trying to blame you!!!

Nowt to do with him not making his family a priority in neither time nor money.

Sadly I think he'll not bother that much with DD and just expect to flit in and out of your home as it suits his hobbies, you'll have to be firm on boundaries I think

You're most definitely doing the right thing.
Stay strong!

So far so civil. I'm staying in our room with en suite. He's set up in comfy spare room and using family bathroom. Moved tv into spare room and told him he can take it to temporary house if he wants on weekend. Bought myself a new one for lounge.
We have joint store accounts and bills which I will separate myself from next month. I usually organise bill payment, will use our small holiday savings to help with bills to leave us both extra money over next couple months as there may be times we need to pay for 2 houses.
If all goes well we can sell our big fancy house and both have enough to set up in smaller ones. Live in a very small place though so limited in what's available.
Haven't done the whole changing facebook status thing yet. We aren't keeping things secret, have both told people, but I would like to drip feed it out rather than a dramatic announcement and the ensuing questions. Will deliberately tell a couple gossipy friends and let them do the work 😊
He's off out tonight for a work meal. Junk food, wine and figuring out new TV on cards for me.
Thanks you lot. Think I'll keep posting for the next week or two. I'm finding it helpful to write things down. Hopefully if things work out for me not too messily it may inspire others to make a break if they not happy. Of course I realise that I do have it easier than some in terms of sepa ration - only 1 child, not married, work full time etc. If I was a sahm with 3 kids I don't know where I'd begin!!!!

He moved out tonight. I'm a bit of a blubbing mess

Stay strong Penguin, it's for the best

I've only read a little bit but you seem so brave to have made your decision and to see it through! Good luck

Keep strong OP, you gave him ample opportunity to step up and he chose his hobbies. You and DD deserve better.

the splitting up is always going to be sad, you've been together a long time and have a DD. Try and be kind to yourself. You gave it another go and he just fundamentally doesn't get it so you're saving yourself a life time of feeling second best and resentful.

All okish. He's at the other house for the next month or so. He's had dd and is starting to settle in to having her Mondays, Thursdays (footie not on Thursdays anymore!) And Saturday day and night. He has a footie match on sat afternoon but rather than making that my problem (I'm working then anyway) he has sorted out appropriate childcare with a friend of ours who dd loves.
He would like to get back together but I'm not sure if he is capable of real change. Currently I'm enjoying having a peaceful, tidy house, free of bickering. I also seem to have a lot more free time which really illustrates how much more than my fair share of cooking/cleaning I was doing...
I do miss him. He asked me tonight if he could take me out for valentines and I could have just fallen into his arms. But I think I need more time to be sure I'm thinking with my head and not out of nostalgia for what we had...
Thanks virtual diary! Even if I get no more replies I feel better for getting it off my chest x

I think that you are bound to miss him at the beginning - you would miss anyone who had been in your life for years, it doesn't mean that they are the right person for you, iyswim.

Sounds like you are doing really well - I'm so impressed by how decisive and determined you have been. Give yourself plenty of time before you make any definite decisions about your future and don't let yourself be railroaded back into something that isn't working for you - I doubt if it would change.

This sounds so positive. Interesting that you have so much more free time, I bet he's feeling the complete opposite. He's finally starting to see the impact of his hobbies on child care etc... I would keep your distance so you can get some head space, you also want to see consistent action on his part. Unfortunately if he moves back in it would be so easy to slip back into his old habits. Keep going OP you got this.

Just read this thread for the first time OP and although your situation at the moment is stressful and sad, I just wanted to say you sound amazing. Very calm, forthright and determined but not bitter or angry or unfair. You sound as though you're highly capable at work, a good mum and have good friends.

Separating is always horrible, but something tells me you're going to be just fine in the long run

It says so much that you have far more free time, I wonder how much of him wanting to reconcile because he's missing his home comforts

I think you will be just grand, it does hurt but you are so right to say you are worth more than his little left over time. His relationship with DD will be much stronger now that he has to be hands on.

Thanks everyone and cheers for the confidence boost! I haven't always been this strong - the me of a few years ago; depressed, few friends, rubbish job, may not have managed to do what I'm doing now.
The spare time is a revelation! I'll have about 5 hours today when I'm not working and won't have dd. The house is clean, no need to cook if I don't want to, what will I do! Definitely no excuse not to get my lazy bum to the gym..

One of the great hidden secrets about being separated from a decent co-parent is the amount of time you have for yourself. Don't tell or everyone will be doing it

(I stress 'decent' - being a true lone parent with nobody to pick up any slack must be a whole different kettle of fish)

I spent a few years going out on the lash every other weekend, disgracing myself in local nitespots and having brief affairs with much younger men. It was great. Wouldn't swap it for my much more settled life with now-DP but I definitely felt I 'found' myself again a bit.

Quick update for those interested. Practically, all ok. Ex dp is staying in the house sit I found and is ok to stay there till end of March rent free. From end of March I have a small house available to rent for mates rates as long as needed. House on market, should fetch enough for us to both start again. Contact with dd good, dp has her 3 nights per week at his and does nursery pick up and all other practical stuff on those days. When he's on call he can't have dd on his own (emergency services so has to respond immediately) but comes here to see her.
Emotionally.... more complicated. Ex dp saying all the things I would have loved him to day months ago. Says he's had a shock and realises how much I did and how selfish he's been. He wants to try again etc etc. I do still feel love for him. I enjoy the fantasy that we could be happy together as a family. However the practical part of me says it's too little too late. I think self preservation instinct has set in and I just can't risk him hurting me again. Not sure I even want to try again or just feel nostalgic for the good times. Feelings are complicated.
Thanks for all the support I've had. Somehow it's been even more helpful than my real life friends. Something about typing my thoughts that makes things clearer

Hi op. It's taken you splitting up and him taking on a fairer share of parenting and housekeeping to realise that you were right. If he's serious then I would carry on separated but maybe don't commit to selling the house just yet. In a few months you can see how you feel.

I agree you don't need to rush to sell up.

You can ask him to go away and think seriously on a weekly basis over the seasons how he would see family life together - what he would be doing, what you would be doing. Seriously a list of chores and childcare duties for both of you plus what family time you would have etc. Would be interesting to see which hobbies he would drop to accommodate that...

He can start taking you out on dates after arranging childcare etc.

Also go to some couples therapy - he needs to truly hear how much he has hurt and disappointed you and let DD down.

Even if 6 months down the line you realise you can't actually forgive him and you don't want to get back together you will know without doubt you gave the relationship every chance to work out.

Hi OP... I have been where you are. Infact we could have been the same person except for the fact that I've three kids. I read your thread and boy did it resonate. I will say though, that feeling better, stronger, more sure of your instincts is possible. It will be a bumpy and at times lonely road however there is no other way through it. Take care of you, cry when you need you, laugh often. Best wishes x