Unrealistic expectations of 10 year relationship?

[Penguin82]

Considering ending my 10 year relationship but feeling a bit like I don't have the right to as he isn't abusive, or like I could be over reacting? My parents had an unhappy marriage so not sure that I always know what's normal..
Dp does have lots of good points:

• made sacrifices and moved country to be with me when we met.
• lovely with dd (4) and when he's home he does everything with her. Leaves the hard stuff to me if he can but if I'm not there he does it all.
• happy for me to pursue my own interests. Took care of dd for 2 weeks when I went away a couple years ago
• doesn't cheat, drink heavily, gamble etc

But.... We've (not just me, I know he has too, but maybe mostly me) been unhappy for monthe, perhaps more. This is why I think it is:
*I had a full time but easy job for a couple years so managed to do all cooking cleaning etc easily. Changed jobs 9 months ago to one with more money but more responsibility and so expect him to chip in more. We have a weekly cleaner but I also expect him to do his share of tidying, cooking (it's him that wants the big meals every night), laundry etc. He does pull his weight mostly when he's here but he isn't here much.

• dp has several very time consuming hobbies. 2 team sports and 1 moto sport. Moto sport officially takes 1 day a onto but there is lots of time and money spent on 'tinkering'. Other sports take 3 evenings a week, 1 morning and 1 afternoon eachieve weekend. He also has 2 worm at least 1 evening a week

I feel that the time and money spent on his hobbies means that we have no family life. It's not too bad in the winter but every summer Im home alone most nights, and often my own interests (and even my paid job at times) are expected to come 2nd to his hobbies. We never haduch in common on paper, but always had fun together. The last year or so it's felt like I'm just a housekeeper most of the time and that he only spends time with me and dd when it fits round his hobbies.
I've told him how unhappy I am before, eve wrote him a letter once, and things improve a little but I think it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to prioritise time with me over anything g else.

Written down like this I seem like such a doormat for putting up with it all! I suppose the reason that I do is because he really does do his bit when he is at home. he makes breakfast every day, and as one of his sports isn't ramping up till next week, he'll probably spend tonight fixing the car, watching dd while I go to gym, generally being around. Days like this make me feel like I'm overreacting, even though I know I'm not.
I know he can look after dd competently, he coped fine when I went away in 2015, and last year took her away without me to his mums for a couple weeks (I'd just started new job so couldn't go).
To be honest I think as well as the issues with his hobbies, we have drifted apart generally. the closeness is gone and I'm not actually sure if I want it back.

Again, things like that are not much to expect.

Also, you say you went to the gym and he looked after your daughter because one of his sports was on a break, ie he doesn't regularly do that or prioritise his DD or you over sports.

I can relate to this! We didn't have kids, so it's not exactly the same, but my ex had a hobby which was basically his whole life (to the point where he hated it being called a 'hobby' because it was apparently so much more than that... still a hobby in my book!)

He worked Mon-Fri, then spent all day every Saturday at said hobby. He would also be out most weekday evenings until about 11pm. For nearly nine years, our only day together was Sunday and he'd always be too tired to do anything other than sit in front of the TV. We pretty much never did anything together.

He'd cook and do a tiny bit of cleaning on the odd free evening, but otherwise he expected me to have his dinner made and waiting for him when he got home late at night from his hobby. I was also expected to run various errands to help him with his hobby. All this while I worked far more stressful, high pressure full-time job earning double what he did and basically subsidising his lifestyle.

Towards the end, just before things started to properly fall apart, I remember spending yet another Sunday on the sofa when he suddenly announced 'today has been so boring, I think I'm going to see if I can arrange another hobby session on Sundays from now on'. I realised then that spending time with me meant very little to him and that he was never, ever going to put me first.

People will say it's not fair to expect your husband to give up hobbies for you, but it's not about that. It's about feeling like you're just a sidebar in someone's life, there to kill time with when there's nothing more interesting going on, and knowing that they'll always put their other interests first.

Bloody hell Frieda that's even worse than my situation! No wonder you left.
I've text dp to say that I want to have a proper chat later as I'm just not happy, that I'm not saying its all his fault but the bottom line is we cant continue bickering all the time as its not nice for dd to witness.
DP was talking about us having a night out together this weekend, and I just don't think its fair for me to string him along when I've already decided that we don't have a future.

It's about feeling like you're just a sidebar in someone's life, there to kill time with when there's nothing more interesting going on, and knowing that they'll always put their other interests first.

The above : 100%

I hope the discussion goes ok OP.

Update - we had 'the chat' this afternoon, dd is at a friend of mines for supper and bath (it's late afternoon here). Dp initially got defensive, and I'm sure he still thinks of done nothing wrong and just expect too much. However once he realised that I just want to be single and am unlikely to change my mind he was fine. We started talking about practicalities.
Where we live it's impossible to find rental properties and selling house will take a while so we've agreed to remain in the same house, share the vehicle, use the shared shop accounts etc for now. This sounds mad but it's either that or one of us moves to a friend's sofa, which would lead to more upset.
Told him I'd rather he have dd overnight 3 times a week when we move apart and he said he wants monday, Tuesday (would drop a sports practise for it, Friday nights (after footie) and all day Saturday. Thus seems fair.
Dp suggested that I don't move out of the bedroom yet, as we sleep better together. Howe very given that we have a comfy spare room I think I should use it.
So far so amicable. If this had happened a year ago I'd be upset by how little he seems to care about losing me. However I think so many of my feelings have died (not all of them to be fair) that I'm glad he's taken it in his stride.
Thank you everyone. I will continue to post her and there, as I've enjoyed the support.
What scares me a bit is that if I was a sahm, or had several kids or was less confident in myself, I might never have had the guts to do this. How many women out there are putting up with the same (and much worse) but think that they are better married and miserable than single and happy?

Well done for making the decision, not an easy one but definitely sounds like the right one.
Good luck for the next steps - onwards and upwards.

He didn't put up much of a fight did he.

I guess maybe you both feel the same. He does seem to have semi checked of this relationship already.

What time does he finish football practice on Fridays, given your daughter's only 4? Where does she go after school?

I bet he thinks that not much is going to change

It's sounds like it is the right thing for both of you to be honest. Hopefully this means you can have a genuinly amicable split and get on with your lives once you get past the difficult living together still bit.

Erm, Friday after footie - why am I not surprised!

He really doesn't get it does he

I hope things can remain amicable, it makes the whole thing much more bearable and better for the DC

Thanks. Yes he hasn't resisted much. We are lucky in that we live in a small place and have a great nursery that does school pick ups so logistics should be easy once housing sorted.
Gloria I think footie finiches at 7ish I am going to push for him to have Saturday nights instead if possible

Of course he is dictating the arrangements around his hobbies, no change there!

But maybe ending the relationship will help you be more assertive about making arrangements that fit around what you and the children need.

To be honest I don't mind him having first pick of the days. Once I know which they are I can adjust my life accordingly. He's actually chosen days that suit me (I have a Monday evening activity and often need to go to work Saturdays). Once we've separated him properly I won't take his selfishness to heart so much, currently his lack of consideration bothers me a lot as it makes me feel like he doesn't love me enough to consider me. Now we're splitting it won't feel like that, as he's not supposed to love me anyway. Make sense kind of? Does to me!
We're going to local cafe to have supper and pick dd up together. However I am moving to spare room tonight and will use family bathroom (he'll have en suite). As we are likely to be sharing a house for a while I don't want us to start getting on 'too well' again...

I'm glad for you that you have managed to discuss it calmly and plan for the short-term future.

What about the domestic stuff - cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking?

Who's going to be sorting out the house sale, pushing estate agents and such like?

It sounds like he's getting a very easy deal out of this, but if it works for you then that's all that matters.

I really think you need to push for EOW - otherwise how will you ever go away for a weekend either with or without DD? What if you want a new relationship with someone else? He's not then going to suddenly give up weekend hobbies so you can away with someone else...

Be careful of agreeing something now that won't be suitable in the future. One weekend day each is far from great.

To answer some questions - we have a cleaner and have already agreed that if we're cooking we might cook for the other but I won't be expected to cook if I don't want to. Might stock up on some ready made food for the freezer so we both always have something in.
I'll probably end up doing things like advertising the house for sale etc. Dp will be doing some bits round tgd house which he feels will make it look better for viewing (cutting the grass, a few outstanding did jobs etc).
I take your point about the Friday nights. I think sat morning till sun morning will work better. We are a good 2 to 3 months from living separately so plenty of time to sort details. I dont really feel the need to have the whole weekend to myself but it's something to think about.
Thanks for the article karma I'll read that now

Oh bum just seen its a book! Will take about 4 weeks to deliver to me (very remote place)

Do you have a Kindle or other e-reader? Might be available as an ebook.

Told him I'm staying in spare room for now and he didn't understand why. Because before Xmas I said we could work on things in the new year and his family only left a couple days ago he feels I've not given him a real chance. Has now started to offer to drop some of the non essential training nights. What he doesn't get is that it's years of feeling second best that have led to thus, not one pigging football season! I don't think he'll ever really get it tbh

I was wondering if he wasn't taking it seriously too, he didn't put up much resistance. I'd want sat am to sun pm personally EOW with 50/50 for weekdays, that's the most equal split. I don't quite understand why you'd constrain your chance of having a weekend away, or do a handover at 7pm, but you have plenty of time to sort details as you say and think them through. Sad for you op, you must have all sorts of complex feelings, be kind to yourself.