Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unrealistic expectations of 10 year relationship?

185 replies

Penguin82 · 10/01/2017 22:59

Considering ending my 10 year relationship but feeling a bit like I don't have the right to as he isn't abusive, or like I could be over reacting? My parents had an unhappy marriage so not sure that I always know what's normal..
Dp does have lots of good points:

  • made sacrifices and moved country to be with me when we met.
  • lovely with dd (4) and when he's home he does everything with her. Leaves the hard stuff to me if he can but if I'm not there he does it all.
  • happy for me to pursue my own interests. Took care of dd for 2 weeks when I went away a couple years ago
  • doesn't cheat, drink heavily, gamble etc

But.... We've (not just me, I know he has too, but maybe mostly me) been unhappy for monthe, perhaps more. This is why I think it is:
*I had a full time but easy job for a couple years so managed to do all cooking cleaning etc easily. Changed jobs 9 months ago to one with more money but more responsibility and so expect him to chip in more. We have a weekly cleaner but I also expect him to do his share of tidying, cooking (it's him that wants the big meals every night), laundry etc. He does pull his weight mostly when he's here but he isn't here much.

  • dp has several very time consuming hobbies. 2 team sports and 1 moto sport. Moto sport officially takes 1 day a onto but there is lots of time and money spent on 'tinkering'. Other sports take 3 evenings a week, 1 morning and 1 afternoon eachieve weekend. He also has 2 worm at least 1 evening a week

I feel that the time and money spent on his hobbies means that we have no family life. It's not too bad in the winter but every summer Im home alone most nights, and often my own interests (and even my paid job at times) are expected to come 2nd to his hobbies. We never haduch in common on paper, but always had fun together. The last year or so it's felt like I'm just a housekeeper most of the time and that he only spends time with me and dd when it fits round his hobbies.
I've told him how unhappy I am before, eve wrote him a letter once, and things improve a little but I think it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to prioritise time with me over anything g else.

OP posts:
Every1lovesPatsy · 11/01/2017 17:11

Now that my children are a little older it is easier to organise babysitters and sleepovers and his family are helping (him) out more. His family are very strict though, if there is a sleepover he will collect between 10-11 am the following morning, while they help out they are not martyrs to him either.

Findmuck · 11/01/2017 18:40

Hi Penguin I just wish I'd left him years ago when I found him looking on no strings sex sites. He denied doing anything and was full of remorse then too promising he'd change. I'm currently considering my options and getting my finances in order. I'm taking my time and doing what's best for me. I have only myself to think of now thankfully. I have no wish to remarry or be in another relationship at the moment

RandomMess · 11/01/2017 20:01

Don't forget he will have to pay you child maintenance so you may well be better of financially and actually gain some child free time if he does decide he wants a relationship with his DD.

I do think far better now than in a decades time. He is so very selfish to think family and work should come behind him having 3 time and £ heavy hobbies!!!

Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 20:09

Random I hadn't planned to ask for much maintenance, just 50% of childcare costs. I earn more than him, and dp's mum buys most of dd clothes (she likes doing that, so we let her). Was thinking I could tell him that if he sets himself up and has dd regularly, say 2-3 overnights weekly, that 50% of childcare would do. Of course if he barely has her then I would expect proper maintenance as I'd be doing everything. We'll need to sell current house and both start again of course.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/01/2017 20:21

I'm not sure how you expecting him to do 2 nights per week as he's always out with his hobbies...

He would have to pick her up from childcare in the evening and take her back in the morning - do you really think he'd do that?

Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 20:27

i don't know, he could do it if he just sacrificed a few things, but whether he would or not im not sure. I don't think hed want to never see her, currently he can fit in play and cuddles in between work and sports, in the mornings etc. obviously if we split it wont be so easy for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 20:39

I suppose I'd hope to encourage him to have dd more by asking for maintenance (above the 50% childcare) if he doesn't. I don't want him to become a Disney Dad by just having her every other weekend and not dealing with the weekday hard stuff like homework etc.

OP posts:
RogueStar01 · 11/01/2017 20:41

the good thing is that once you've split, it's not your problem who bails him out to support his hobbies, at least you won't have to feel like a leftover. I'd go for 50/50 too, the maintenance you'd get probably wouldn't compensate for the fact that your time would be restricted 12/14 days and his would be completely unencumbered...

wizzywig · 11/01/2017 20:48

It sounds as if yes both of yr lives would be easier if you did separate. I do think its stoopid to let a hobby dictate your relationship but thats him doing it, not you . You could continue and just start to mentally act as if he is not there. After a while he will realise that you are ignoring him.

RandomMess · 11/01/2017 20:52

Really sad isn't it that you think he will give up the hobbies to have your DD but he won't cut back just to enjoy having family life with you all!

Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 20:52

Yeah part of me feels that he is a good guy and after the initial unsettled period, would be happy on his own or with a gf who actually shares his interests. I am expecting him to move on romantically quite quickly, most men do and dp is good looking and has probably the best body I've seen....ok my resolve is wavering now! Am so shallowGrin

OP posts:
JeepersMcoy · 11/01/2017 20:57

It sounds to me like you have already worked this out. You know what you want to do and how it will work out. You are just looking for reassurance that it is OK to do what will make you happy.

Let me reassure you. It is OK. You do not have to settle with someone just because there are other people who have it worse. You do not have to make do. You have a right to pursue your own happiness. You are clearly capable and perfectly able to take care of yourself and your DD. Please go forth and be free :)

JeepersMcoy · 11/01/2017 20:58

And a great body is no good to you if it is never around. :o

Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 21:02

Ok jeepers I think you got me spot on! I've seen so many real bastArds I feel like a prime bitch for considering letting a lovely man go, even if we have zero shared interests and he's a bit selfish and not here a lot....
Gonna have a chat tonight (he's not here now!). Or maybe on the weekend if I chicken out.....

OP posts:
RogueStar01 · 11/01/2017 21:14

i don't see how having shared interests would help really - DH & I have shared interests but as the DC always need looking after, we can't enjoy them together at all without a very expensive babysitter. The bottom line is you'd need to have shared interests that could be done at home when your DD is asleep and that doesn't seem like it can materialise

NickyEds · 11/01/2017 23:08

There's always some other arsehole they can point to and say 'well I'm not as bad as him' or some acquaintance you can look at and say ''their relationship is so rotten how can I even think of leaving mine'. There really is nothing wrong with wanting more.

NotAMammy · 11/01/2017 23:27

Penguin I don't have much to add as I think you know what you have to do. I just wanted to wish you luck with it. It's ok to end a relationship that's not working even if it's not awful and he is a hottie.
It sounds like your career is in a good place right now, taking the leap and ending it seems like a good next step to having a great life.

Original poster
Penguin82 · 11/01/2017 23:34

Thanks everyone. Your support (combined with a wine and watching tonight's corrie) has made me a tad emotional! It scares me that me, and many other women, have been conditoned to accept low level unhappiness rather than rock the boat. I don't know if I will have the talk tonight or not, but I will. When I do I will update.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/01/2017 00:46

He's more than a bit selfish! I think you are doing the right thing. I can't believe he thinks his hobbies come before your work, much less family. No matter what you say , you need to immediately stop apologising or arranging childcare so he can do a hobby while you work , or when you need to do some in an evening. If you haven't had it out yet just say breezily 'look on the bright side ,you can still get to Monday Wednesday Thursday Friday and Sunday hobbies! I'm at out Saturday so that's your problem though.'

KarmaNoMore · 12/01/2017 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cuppaqueen · 12/01/2017 01:28

Read this, went away and have now come back because your situation really got to me! This behaviour of his is so evidently not fair. If you look at all the free hours you both have in a week (after formal working hours), what percentage of those is he actually spending with you and/or DD versus the few extra you spend working? How much childcare/ chores are you each doing? Put it to him straight: you want and expect a fair division that includes time together as a family (surely important to your DD), and if that means he has to cut down on hobbies then he needs to do it now, willingly, or the relationship is over.

You know being single will also have its challenges but that's no reason to put up with being unhappy in a relationship. There are worse men out there and there are better. That's a gamble but if you gamble, sometimes you win. However, if he finally understands that you won't put up with this unfairness any more, I hope he might change. You had a good Xmas together and maybe that's how things could be if he had the balls to realise he cannot have his cake, eat it and bake another one all at the same bloody time.

Angry on your behalf!

Surreyblah · 12/01/2017 07:54

Suggest you don't discuss arrangements for DC, finances etc until you've had legal advice, and seen whether it seems likely, if single, he WILL change for his DC.

NameChange30 · 12/01/2017 08:03

He sounds incredibly selfish.
His actions are not the actions of a lovely man.
Spending all that time and money on his own hobbies when you don't have anything like as much leisure time or disposable income is not the behaviour of a loving, caring and supportive partner.
I don't think he will see the error of his ways, change or make amends so I think you should LTB.
And use the CMO child maintenance calculator to work out the legal minimum he should be paying. It's the bloody least he could do.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2017 10:12

I hope he hears you when you do manage to sit down and have a chat.
My OH has a hobby that takes him away a lot of weekends in spring and summer.
It took it's toll last year I must admit.
But we are working on it and we'll see how it all goes.
That's not the only issue we have though.

Surreyblah · 12/01/2017 10:30

You hope he'd be a better parent should you separate, but sadly it's uncertain that he would.

It sounds like he doesn't do much parenting at all at present.

I wouldn't want to agree anywhere near 50% custody with a parent like this without clear indication of ability and willingness to "step up".