Unrealistic expectations of 10 year relationship?

[Penguin82]

Considering ending my 10 year relationship but feeling a bit like I don't have the right to as he isn't abusive, or like I could be over reacting? My parents had an unhappy marriage so not sure that I always know what's normal..
Dp does have lots of good points:

• made sacrifices and moved country to be with me when we met.
• lovely with dd (4) and when he's home he does everything with her. Leaves the hard stuff to me if he can but if I'm not there he does it all.
• happy for me to pursue my own interests. Took care of dd for 2 weeks when I went away a couple years ago
• doesn't cheat, drink heavily, gamble etc

But.... We've (not just me, I know he has too, but maybe mostly me) been unhappy for monthe, perhaps more. This is why I think it is:
*I had a full time but easy job for a couple years so managed to do all cooking cleaning etc easily. Changed jobs 9 months ago to one with more money but more responsibility and so expect him to chip in more. We have a weekly cleaner but I also expect him to do his share of tidying, cooking (it's him that wants the big meals every night), laundry etc. He does pull his weight mostly when he's here but he isn't here much.

• dp has several very time consuming hobbies. 2 team sports and 1 moto sport. Moto sport officially takes 1 day a onto but there is lots of time and money spent on 'tinkering'. Other sports take 3 evenings a week, 1 morning and 1 afternoon eachieve weekend. He also has 2 worm at least 1 evening a week

I feel that the time and money spent on his hobbies means that we have no family life. It's not too bad in the winter but every summer Im home alone most nights, and often my own interests (and even my paid job at times) are expected to come 2nd to his hobbies. We never haduch in common on paper, but always had fun together. The last year or so it's felt like I'm just a housekeeper most of the time and that he only spends time with me and dd when it fits round his hobbies.
I've told him how unhappy I am before, eve wrote him a letter once, and things improve a little but I think it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to prioritise time with me over anything g else.

Rubbish typos! it was fine right I'm off to bed now but would appreciate more chat tomorrow if anyone has time xxx

My god, what a self entitled twat, sorry I could not live like this, playing second fiddle to him and his hobbies, how many hobbies can one person have.

He's basically living as if he were single.

it's easy to be generally supportive and make the right noises, physically being there is something else, sounds like he can't walk the walk. It doesn't sound like a shared life op.

He's basically living as if he were single.

^^ yup and you have the privilege of paying for it!

If you weren't living with him then your life would be simple and you'd get more free time.

Sad to think that one partner reduces role of the other one to a housekeeper but I used to feel the same in my marriage and it sucks.

the comments about him living like he's single is exactly what one of my close friends says. Its difficult because at times when he is around, he does pull his weight. This week not all his hobbies have started up again, so he was out from 6pm till 9.30 last night and will be gone all evening tonight from 5pm, but then that's it till Sunday I think. if it was like this every week I wouldn't mind at all. When he's home this week he will bathe dd, play with her, do a bit of tidying etc all while I go out with friends/go to gym/whatever - but then next week he probably wont be here to do those things apart from on Monday night, and for an hour or so either side of his hobbies some nights.
We never had much in common but it didn't matter in the early years, we used to go hiking, watch movies together, play board games, just be silly together. Now that's all dried up we're left with no common interests outside dd.

those can be regained, i sometimes feel like that but it's a signal we need to re-focus, it is only what you say, not prioritizing relationship time. if he won't do that though, it's a sad situation.

Okay time for (yet another) serious chat.

"DH if we split you do realise that you will be having DD EOW as a minimum, you won't be able just to pop in and look after her in my home for 2-3 evenings per week. Do you realise that you will have to drop your involvement in your hobbies or are you seriously not going to bother having a relationship with DD if we split?"

Unfortunately I think he may well choose his hobbies and you will end up a single parent but I guess then you won't have the resentment, perhaps get an au-pair to help out?

You are right Random. He will choose his hobbies, no way will he drop any. We don't really do au pairs where I live (not UK), but we have a fab nursery which does school runs, cooked lunches etc. plus I am able in my job to do things like work from home, bring dd in with me if I'm just popping in to check on something quickly, so life wouldn't be too difficult.
I think perhaps its time to just tell him that the relationship isn't working for me anymore. I'm bored of the constant battle to get him to put me first. If he wanted to then he would already.

OP I feel for you. I have been in the same position for many years although I am older than you now and my children are self sufficient. My husband is kind enough, we used to watch films and do stuff you mention together. Like in your relationship this dried up and it became all about Hs job and hobbies. Despite a reminder chat that I'm more than just a housekeeper and several letters written over the years nothing changed although empty promises were made.
Nothing was bad enough for me to leave as he was always pleasant and life was comfortable. However all this has changed now as I found evidence before Christmas of him cheating on me. He said it meant nothing and all of a sudden he's attentive and will move heaven and earth to spend time with me. A bit late now.
He won't change OP and it's up to you if you want to trade "the easy life" being married ( being ironic here as it's not easy!) or face the upheaval of a split. Your husband won't believe you'll actually leave him until you do it then he'll realise what he's lost.
I wish you luck x

Findmuck your post has really struck a chord with me, I have thought to myself that if we are to split up, better now while I'm in my mid 30's and dd is young enough to just accept it (hopefully).
I also worry that what I feel is raising serious concerns about the relationship is just seen from his point of view as 'nagging', which will eventually drive him to look elsewhere. Meanwhile I drink too much and comfort eat in the evenings out of sheer boredom and loneliness. DP meanwhile has an amazing body due to all the sport lol!
Findmuck, what will you do now? Its easy for strangers to urge you to leave, but practically how easy would that be? Is that what you want? I hope you are OK x

So frustrating as I feel it's not that uncommon for a generation of men who were brought up my men (therefore role model) whose wives did all the domestic and childcare.However we are the generation of career women so we have ended up with both roles.

Your h has as good life, and nothing will really make him change.In his shoes what motivation would you have? He has home, family, wife and access to cash & time for his hobbies.
You mentioned he offered to move out, which suggests he's not really invested or willing to fight for the relationship.I have a theory that some men choose to be over indulgent in hobbies or sport as way to avoid relationship intimacy.

I had one of these (spent 10 years together). It wasn't immediately apparent - only realised once we had a child that he went to work and all the rest was left to me while I also worked FT. He didn't actually really have hobbies either but it was as if he did his bit by working and didn't really need to do anything else.

He's now remarried to someone who also seems to do it all and I've moved on with someone who wants to be involved and doesn't think that I need to do it all or be there to service all his whims etc.

Resentment will grow and it will split you anyway.

mini update - I came home at lunchtime to work from home for a bit as my office is cold. DP had come home for lunch (doesn't usually, usually at gym), and I asked him to remind me of his weekly schedule as some activities starting up again. He'll be busy tues evening, weds evening, thurs evening, fri evening, sun mornings and some sat/sun afternoons. I said I felt a bit sad as we'd had a lovely Xmas, and that we should be careful not to get back into the habit of eating separately etc etc. DP got all defensive, and said he didn't see the problem and that we have plenty of time together.
We then fell out over another issue - currently got only 1 vehicle running, which he needs to drive himself and teammates to an event in different town at 16.30. I'd planned to get the car to him in time (usually not a problem), and still hope to - but as the boilers packed in at work I need to be there when the engineer comes which may not be till 4pm. So, although I should be able to get the car to dp on time, I cant promise. He's not too happy, and I can see that he does need it, but again work has to come before hobbies in my book!
Sorry to hear so many of you do/have put up with the same crap. Ironically, I see myself as a feminist, and used to be a bit smug that DP and I were much more equal on the domestic front than other couples I know. That was back in the day when he was home more and we had no child...!
So glad now we never married, splitting up is difficult enough to contemplate with shared mortgage, car, dd etc. without having to think about a divorce too!

Your list of "good" things includes many things that should simply be a given, eg not boozing or cheating, caring for his DC when you went away.

Sounds like he has checked out of your relationship already: you certainly have just cause to leave, although being unhappy with him would be enough!

How are the family finances? Sounds like he is spending far too much family money on himself.

My ex hubby was similar and what drove me to split up 3 years ago was the realisation that life is short and you have to do what makes you happy (I was 34, my father had died the year before and I got a jolt of life is too short to be unhappy - my children were 3 and 4 at the time).

I earn, am self sufficient, I bought him out of the house.

When we broke up I went for the totally wrong guys - stoners(!!) and it was purely little Summer romances (x 2). What I realised was what absolute losers are out there and while it's fun to hang out with people with limited responsibilities and act like a teenager, those guys are absolutely bad news in the long run. Those losers are crazily entitled, much more so than the likes of your husband or my ex-husband.

I don't regret us splitting up, I am happier on my own, but let me just say that the pickings on the decent men front are very limited. Men in general are entitled. Your husbands behaviour is very, very common amongst men.

My children are fine, well adjusted and doing well in school. As they get older in some ways I find the separation is a little more painful. They were too young to understand (no big fights, all very civil, daddy just moved to another house). Now they are 7 and 8 they understand that we are not living the rose tinted happy families lifestyle, their understanding of the situation is deepening and while it isn't awful, it pulls on my heartstrings a little. For example this year my ex took them to his mothers house on Christmas day for a few hours and while I was half heartedly invited it was clear that he preferred me not to go (slight discomfort due to us both having met other people - it appears we are both single again..but anyway). The longer we are separated the more it is necessary to have some boundaries in place, because we are no longer a couple and there may be new people in our lives from time to time. We are both becoming more conscious of boundaries, and while this is a good thing, it is also something the kids are picking up on, and it impacts on family time together, family days out..birthdays, religious events etc.

I am happy to be single and not constantly frustrated with my ex, but he wasn't a bastard and there are some serious assholes out there.

Everything is a compromise.

The main thing I have since we split up, is so much more time to myself. Ex Hubby has the children 50 % of the time, there is no maintenance, we are both responsible for ourselves. His family have had to help him out much, much more than they ever did when we were together. The childcare is now truly 50 /50 and he no longer takes financial advantage of me (whereas he did so in the past just because I let him do so to avoid fights...simple things like him spending lots of one on leisure activities and never saving). I am happy with my lot, but bottom line is men in general are very entitled, we don't fix them or force them to be fair. We have to be happy on our own and if we happen to meet someone who takes on their fair share of the burden well that s awesome but it's rare. It's much easier to get on with someone before you have kids with them rather than after. Even if I meet prospective dates (now) I realise we can have a great laugh but it would reduce dramatically if we were co-parenting.

Surrey our finances are the best they've been, as I recently got a better paid job and now dd is at school childcare is less. However he spends £200-£300 monthly on hobbies, most of which is payments to a credit card that he bought a motorbike on a few years back! We aren't rich, probably have a joint income of around £55k. I'm the primary earner but only by a few grand. We've definitely struggled in the past, particularly when his sports have taken him abroad (heavily subsidised trips but he's still had to contribute).

And I presume your spending is far less. Sounds like you can afford to be single.

How would it work if you spent roughly the same on your own interests? Is there that much spare? Do you have a rainy day fund? Are you (both) contributing as much to your pensions as you might?

From what you have described, it sounds like an attitude problem, if he cannot see how grossly unfair he is being. You can do whatever you want, so long as it doesn't disrupt his lifestyle. Big of him.

I don't think he'll change op. He has no real reason to has he. He has his nice home, lovely child, great wife, he can come and go as he pleases, indulge his hobbies etc. On hearing about your day his first response wasn't 'shit, penguin is the boiler going to be a pain? Is it going to mess up your day?' was it? His first thought was how it would interfere with his hobby.

Patsy - that was really interesting to read, thank you. I am quite good at being single, and envisage myself being along with friends and family in my life rather than another man. I am also lucky in that I have the exact number of kids that I want (one!) so would not have any urgent need to meet anyone. I hope I can end up with a similar custody arrangement to you, I don't want him to be a weekend dad, dd adores him and needs more of his time than that. Not sure when he'll fit her in if we split up but I'm (perhaps naively) sure that he will not just abandon her.
Surrey - yes, I think I'd be the same if not better off. Once we'd sold the house and I'd moved to a smaller one anyway.
Finally - its only now that we'd be able for me to afford to spend the same. If I did then we wouldn't be able to afford the big holiday we have planned later this year. I haven't booked the tickets yet by the way, have been putting it off just in case...
Nicky - you are right. He doesnt want change. just wants me to stop nagging I think!

Patsy - if your husband was the same as my dp re. hobbies, how does he manage 50 50 custody? Does he skip his hobbies or just get family and friends to bail him out?

He has reduced the hobbies a little (he was doing night courses two nights a week....now doesn't bother...they never propelled his career anyway...I think they were partially an excuse to get out of the house).

He maintains his interest in rugby and tennis and his family bail him out for those events. He would still go to the opening of an envelope, but if just means that I am not the one providing 100% support for his social life.

Also he is finally realising the impact of socialising to the extent he did on his finances, up until now it was being shouldered somewhat by me. But he is reigning it in now, because we have finally sorted out finances.

I am very good to save but not good to monitor the savings, so he was dipping into the joint account for about 18 months after we split up, but there is virtually nothing left in there anymore and all my money goes into my personal account now (I was a fool ....I know).