Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

[kath1987]

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

Ignore the solicitor's letter.

You are completely entitled to LA provided your income is not above a certain amount as you now have proof of domestic violence.

Tomorrow morning call Women's Aid and asks for a list ofsolucitirs in your area who have experience with DV and children's matters. Get yourself initial appointments with at least a couple and go and meet them.

Do not let a letter from his solicitor rattle you.

He's using every single abuser trick in the book - you'll have an Abuser Bingo full house shortly.

Every single one of these turds pull the exact same tricks and it is unnerving but you have a lot of folks on here who have been through it supporting you and you have your lovely dad.

It's going to be ok.

Just RTFT.

As above DO.NOT respond to solicitor or any messages from him re:mediation. He's not interested in mediation, he's interested in intimidating you, getting control over the situation and discrediting you. He's also not interested in the kids- it's another tactic to control YOU. Get advice asap and don't send any correspondence that has addresses or contact details he doesn't already have.

You are being amazingly brave and level headed in the face of this mans manipulation and aggression.

This man is incredibly frightening. He is in complete control of his actions, this is not a man that is suffering from MH issues or is unstable/needs help. His actions are premeditated and he has given this a lot of thought and made the effort to contact a solicitor and spin them a lie. He's not panicking, he's doing this coldly! He absolutely knows what he is doing.

Please, please don't fall for it. Your children need to be kept well away from this nasty piece of work. He is v dangerous imo.

Good luck to you OP. Stay with your dad, you are safe there and so are your kids. You are doing bloody amazing!!

A solicitor's letter has no power at all, it's just a letter on headed paper. You don't have to respond at all if you choose not to.

Definitely get a LOT of proper advice before you decide what, if anything, to do. I would think having tried to take the baby by force and the police involvement, social services/midwife may feel strongly about how any possible contact should go in future, and I'd think it's likely to be supervised at best

I was told he was advised by social services to approach the subject of mediation. I am going to ring SS in the morning and the DV team as well and get what info I can off them. It's such a struggle to know what to do for the best x x

Who told you that? I doubt they would be suggesting that after what happened, if his family are telling you that either he's lied to them or they are lying to you. Either way don't take any information as valid or true from his side of the family. Have you reported the text messages and phone calls to your dad to the police? I really think you need to be reporting that stuff, because I suspect he's going to try and build a case where he makes you out to be a bad mother. You have to stand up to him at every opportunity.

He's playing a game here and trying every avenue he can to regain control, don't believe any of it. He's exceptionally dangerous.

Keep being strong OP.

Every word he says now will be a lie. He wants to scare you and take back power. Please don't listen to him or his messengers.

XP referred us for mediation. I delayed it for as long as I could, and spent weeks utterly terrified. When I first received the letter, I called the service and explained our background, and they were so reassuring. I had the initial meeting and talked through what he had done to us, I showed her the threats and read out some of the correspondence between us, and she physically recoiled. She said there was no way she would risk putting us in the same building. I begged her to go ahead because I was scared of court, and she said that the judge needs to know what XP has done to us, and to not fear it.
While it was a very distressing experience, it was empowering too, just to be believed, understood and respected. And this was by someone who had already met him and heard his bullshit, the bullshit that I had believed for a long time.
Mediation is a first step before court, and it demonstrates a willingness to find a solution, but a good service will recognise that it's not always safe. This may be wrong, but I was told recently that mediators can do a write up for the court, whereas I had previously thought that they just issued a certificate to say that it had been attempted.
But take your time. He doesn't get to bully you by rushing you. If he's serious, he'll self refer. If you receive a referral you'll have a timeframe in which to reply.
I made sure that they wouldn't let XP know when my appointment was x

Over the past week I have heard a completely different side of him. He genuinely sounds heartbroken....he breaks down in tears in every conversation. He's not the emotional type at all. He says he's physically disgusted by how he's been acting, that it's like he's been living someone else's life.....he's even sought help from a mental health charity. He says he's willing to do anything to prove he's changed. He's even willing to give house/job up to be closer to me and the kids etc. I'm so confused and I really want to believe he's had this massive realisation.

Do not believe him, he was violent towards you and your children, how can you forgive him for preventing you from feeding your newborn son.you HAVE to cut contact and you HAVE to seek counselling. He's only contrite because he's lost control and it's become serious after you called the police. This man is Seriously dangerous. For the sake of your future happiness you must stay strong. Please speak to a counsellor and get some help, he's messing with your head. Don't you remember feeling scared and on edge all the time?

Please read this thread again, this man is never going to change. I also don't know what social services will think about you getting back together when he's shown aggression towards his son. Next time you might not be so lucky when you try to leave, do your kids deserve to live on a house where there mother is abused? Stay strong OP.

Ah Kath I can totally understand you're desperately hoping he's changed and want to believe him... sadly I have to agree with the other posters. What has changed to make him change his behaviour? The answer is that you've left him. He can no longer control you through emotional or physical abuse, so he's changing his tactics and trying to make you feel sorry for him.. and of course you do, as he's the father of your baby and you once loved him.

I do know how this feels... I fell for it. went back and after not very long he was back to his old self. You've come this far, of you go back now, you'll have to do all this again the next time he hurts you. For yours and your kids sake, please don't fall for this x

Has he been charged with assaulting you?

Ok - so he's remorseful.

Is there an abusers programme available to him that also includes your (separate) input?

I can see you're wavering and I completely get it so in the interests of protecting yourself, your sanity and the children stand firm:

Make him go on the programme if it's available and do not allow him back into your life during the process.

Right now I'd be more inclined to believe Presudent Clinton's denials about a certain Oval Office event (or series of events) before I believe your STBeX.

If (and it is a HUGE IF - very very few of these types of people actually see the light) he wants to change you allow yourself the space, the time and the guidance from supporting organisations to see if he follows through - and following through is going to be a very long road (and I'm willing to bet my last penny it's not one he is willing to traverse)

Keep yourself safe. Please.

Rosebz he was cautioned x

If he was truly remorseful, he would not be piling on the emotional pressure, crying because he feels sorry for himself etc. He would not keep calling and would give you some space...I'm afraid to say that this is all part of the script to reel you back in.

Please be aware, that SS (as I am positive the police would make a referral) will advise you to stay away from him.

How can you believe him when he's lied and manipulated you before? Please seek some help and advice from women's aid before returning. You have to stay strong, we know you can do it. Your DC don't deserve to grow up in a home filled with emotional and physical abuse.

If a friend had written this post and wanted to return what would you say?

He's a liar and a good at manipulating you. Block his number and ring for counselling.

Hi,
Yes he says he's remorseful but he's said that before, hasn't he, when he said before there was something not right with him? And look what he went on to do. You sound like you're doubtful that he has had this massive realisation, and I expect your instincts are completely correct. It sounds like he just wants his control back. I don't feel it's a risk worth taking - not for your safety, and not for the children's safety. If he really is remorseful, and has any genuine insight into his own behaviour, he will understand you not taking him back and will not harass you. If he's begging for yet another chance i'd say he hasn't learnt anything and will not change. Keep strong xxx

I'm surprised he was offered a caution for some kind of assault involving domestic violence. But it is now a no-brainer. He has admitted to assaulting you. If you have him back SS will see that as YOU putting your children at risk.

Totally agree with Rosebz. You risk losing your children, your sanity and possibly your life if you return, is it really worth it? You weren't happy before he actually assaulted you, it's only going to improve temporarily if you do return and will then get much, much worse as he wears you down emotionally and physically. If you can't do this for yourself do it to protect your kids.

Remember he was telling people you were mentally unstable, he's not above blatant lies to get what he wants and that's you.

I entirely agree you should cut contact and do whatever it takes to protect you all from him. Xx

At best, he is not in a good state mentally at the moment, that seems obvious.

Please steer well clear.

sending warm wishes

Over the past week I have heard a completely different side of him. He genuinely sounds heartbroken....he breaks down in tears in every conversation. He's not the emotional type at all. He says he's physically disgusted by how he's been acting, that it's like he's been living someone else's life.....he's even sought help from a mental health charity. He says he's willing to do anything to prove he's changed. He's even willing to give house/job up to be closer to me and the kids etc. I'm so confused and I really want to believe he's had this massive realisation.

Oh look. He is no longer in the position of power. Poor him. I almost feel sorry for him. But only almost.

Tell him to fuck off.

OP. You are out. STAY OUT!

And cautioned? What...that's it?

Fuck me. What a let down, no wonder he is turning on the tears now....

DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

Meant to say as well
Offering to give up his job/house hardly seems like the action of a rational man.