Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

[kath1987]

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

Is anything or anyone stopping you from packing some things and going to your dad's? I feel worried about what happens when his rage about your actions hits.

I am really, really worried for you OP. He will be lovely to you at first, happy and self-satisfied he has wormed his way back, but underneath he will be very angry with you for involving the authorities and want reprisals.
The average is 7 attempts to leave before an abused partner is successful. Some obstacles are here
Remember to think very carefully before you put his name on baby's birth registration. If you do, he will have a right to be involved in all the decision-making about baby's upbringing and have financial responsibilities towards him. However, unless your partner is wealthy, and even if he is, the gain of child maintenance payments may be outweighed by the aggravation and control he would try to exert over you and your child - till the day your partner dies.
Phone the Women's Aid/National Domestic Violence Hotline 0808 2000 247 (staffed 24hrs, 7pm-7am is quietest) to enquire about obtaining an emergency non-molestation order and an occupation order to keep him away and get him out of your home. I think you have 13 days to apply but please check.
Be strong. You can do this for you and your DC. We're rooting for you, here on MN. There is so much support waiting for you - reach out and take it.

Could you phone your dad and ask that he helps you leave at the very next opportunity? You are not a "lost soul" btw - though you are disorientated by fear and the powerlessness that takes over when an abuser is in control of everything you think and feel. I think you need help to leave and then a shed load of help to stay away from returning to it all.

Oh op you have to get out. Please just go as soon as he goes to work. Pack a bag and get your dad to pick you up. If you stay at home far from a support network you'll be vulnerable

Talk to as many people as you can about this. The more outside people you speak to the more it will hit home that what he is doing to you isnt normal or right. You need to get away from him. If he has problems he needs to sort out he needs to sort them out himself, away from you and putting you and your child in danger.

Latest update:
He attacked me this morning and drove off with my baby. Managed to get BABY back and he is currently in police custody. I am at home after giving a statement. Packing mine and the kids stuff into mine and my dads car and leaving for good. Thankyou for all the supportive words x x x

Bloody hell Kath!!!
Hope they throw away the key
Hugs xx be safe xx

Good god what absolute bastard he is! Well done for calling the Police, let's hope he gets what he deserves.

Look after yourself and your little ones x

It was bound to escalate. So glad you have your baby and he is in custody. Thinking of you and sending good wishes. Have the police mentioned a non-molestation order? Be safe and hope you can relax a bit at your Dad's after this ordeal.

He is a worthless shit of a human and this was his last desperate act when he realised you weren't going to be cowed by him any more. Hope he rots. You're a star, OP, though you may not feel like it.

Thank goodness - what a shitty bastard he is

I love the way you wrote "drove off with my baby" - yes, YOUR baby - he doesn't deserve a lovely baby

I'm so glad to hear you've managed to get away from this abusive man. I hope it all goes better for you now you don't have to live with him.
He'll never get custody. Have you registered the birth yet- it might be worth looking into whether it not you should put him on it.

Oh no I was worried something like this would happen

Hopefully you're going to have as little contact with the scumbag as possible but please please please do NOT let him worm his way back into your life, ever. Stay as far away from him as you can! Please keep yourself and your children safe, because none of you will be as long as he is in your life xxx

Agree with glassspider - he will be upping the ante to charm you back if you're not careful.

Does he know where your dad lives? Does he have a key?

This has been a horrendous experience for you and the dc but in time you'll see the blessing and strange magic of the last few days building up to this crescendo. Let the various authorities support you in getting this man out of your life for good. Don't even consider anything to do with access - doubt he has much by way of a chance regarding that given his potential to abduct. You might find that your depression starts to lift quite soon too.

Don't put his name on the birth cert; as I understand it, you don't have to as you aren't married. You have your life back, kath. Grab it with both hands, even if they're shaky right now. Remember that he is not your friend, he can only change for the worse and he has already promised you he'll do whatever it takes to "win". Which means his intention is destructive every step of his twisted way. Stay safe, keep dc safe and don't hold back from letting the legal system throw the book at him.

If you do go back to your old home, can you change the locks? Sorry, I know you have lots to think about at the moment! Xx

The services left you wide open, and at some point they should take responsibility for their role in what happened to you and your baby this morning!
For now though, it would be a good idea to request police alarms for your dad's house, and to ask police to refer you for an IDVA to help you get non molestation orders.
I hope you're ok, I realise you might be feeling far from ok right now :( x

Me and kids are all safe with my dad. I can't stop shaking Can't believe it's all come to this.....I'm sure it will take a few days to sink in. I loved him so much and he's just not that same person anymore. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I know I'm better off now though and my 2 babies safety and happiness is all that matters x x

Your story has really got to me and I'm so relieved that you and your children are safe.

I found myself in a similar situation 12 years ago when my little boys were 2 & 4. It's v hard as you do think about all the good bits and how much you once loved them, but it's really important to resolve to stay strong. I nearly went back to him so many times when I was having a wobble. Looking back, I'm so relieved I didn't as he would never have changed. He's gone on to abuse 2 more women and is still as aggressive as ever if I ever have any dealings with him ( which is hardly ever now DC are older).

My advice to you is to make sure you press charges. I didn't and it meant he carried on making my life difficult for a number of years as there was no restraining order. Its an awful thing to press charges against the father of your children, but it really is the best thing you can do to protect yourself and them.

I would also like to offer you some reassurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel. 12 years on I've got a lovely home and my children (now teens) are well adjusted and growing into lovely young men. Things do get better, although it does take time

I hope you manage to relax a little and get some sleep tonight x

He never was the person he pretended to be. I'm sorry. Xxx

You haven't lost anything, you haven't lost a good man as he never was one. You've got rid of a lowlife though. And you must stay rid of him, but you know that already.

Onwards and upwards now. You've got the rest of your life to live. So have your children. Give yourself as much time as you need to recover, be kind to yourself. Don't look back.

He has always been that horrible person, he just hid it well while he reeled you in.

Well done. You're an amazingly brave woman. Stay strong

Stay strong Kath. X

My ex kept up the pretence of being a decent human being for quite a long time too. The ones who do that over a long period of time are really quite sinister, that's a frightening amount of self control, unnatural even.
It will take days, and coming to terms with everything that has happened will take longer than that. Even still now, I'm piecing it all together.
And expect anger too. Anger can't come to the surface when you're terrified, and as the fear gradually eases off, that anger will come up. You've got every right to be angry, it's a natural response to a cruel and unnatural situation.
But first things first. Please press charges if you're given the option, even if it seems hard, it will protect you all for years to come.
Have you thought about changing your registration date and location for the baby? Ask your dad to take you, my dad took me and I felt safer with him there.
I hope you're taking it easy and cuddling your lovely children, we are thinking of you x