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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

271 replies

kath1987 · 07/01/2017 20:46

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 08/01/2017 09:29

Why on earth would a newborn be taken off his mum?

On your partners word? "Ooh she's mental she is!" Hmm

Kids don't get taken off their mums cos their partners say shit like that. They don't get taken off their mums cos they've got a prescription from the GP (actually a prescription means you're actively managing your health I.e. doing a good thing)

He may have a persuasive way of words but may as well be just fart noises if he is lying.

He will say ANYTHING to keep you in the house. ANYTHING. It's all bollocks.

HeavenlyEyes · 08/01/2017 10:08

so you need to report his behaviour to Women's Aid, your GP, midwife and HV - the more people you document this with officially the better for you in the long run.

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2017 10:17

Just call your dad ASAP and the rest will all work out. Honestly.

He's playing you, poor me, I'm a mess, I don't mean to hurt you.

He does. Leave with your babies. Hell will freeze over before he gets the baby.

Greypaw · 08/01/2017 10:58

This all sounds like classic "cycle of abuse" stuff to me. For some reason he realises that he's gone too far, so is into the apologising phase. Right now the line is "there's something wrong with me", which could be highly manipulative and a coercion for you to stay. In the future I wouldn't be surprised if this line moved to "you know there's something wrong with me so you shouldn't set me off" to a blatant "it's you're fault I act like this".

In most areas there is a pretty good system within maternity services to help women at risk of DV, because DV commonly starts or escalates during pregnancy. There is usually a way to get this information to your midwife or health visitor. If not, you can tell your GP who will also be able to help. Calling Women's Aid is also a really good idea too of course, but if you tell your healthcare team, most areas will have systems in place to help you.

The "I'll take the children away" is a classic line, by the way. Most abusers seem to use this one when there are children involved. This means the family court system and the various agencies have heard it over and over and over again, and pay very little attention to it. The thing about abusive men is that they do tend to use very similar tactics and are usually very charming and compelling to outsiders. People experienced in DV know this and aren't fooled by it.

BrightRedSpinner · 08/01/2017 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 08/01/2017 11:26

You need to leave. If he is willing to get proper, progressional help that's good but he can do that and sort himself out with you safe and away from him. Then you can monitor the situation.

However, if he is a narcissist, and it sounds very much like he is, gaslighting, cyclical behaviour, making you doubt yourself then I'm afraid you will need to close the door on him forever. Lost cause.

kath1987 · 11/01/2017 18:33

So the past few days my OH has been back to his normal self. He had his first session of therapy yesterday and he said it went really well....even asked if I would go with him to the next session. Today it's like a switch has just flipped and he's back to being a vile human being. Threatening to take my son off me if I don't do as he says. He says he will get full custody and if not then he will even risk going to prison in order to have our son. I recorded him threatening me so I could send it to my friend and I accidentally pressed play while he was stood near me. He flew at me (knocking my glasses off) and snatched my phone off me. He threatened me if I tried to get my phone off him then I would get hurt. Also went to breast feed my baby and he took him off me saying "better get used to daddy feeding you from now on" I wanted to reach out to my midwife tomorrow for help but he is adamant on coming with me so I won't be able to ask for help. I'm too scared to do anything x

OP posts:
Butterfly2017 · 11/01/2017 18:44

Please get your children, pack a bag and leave now. I'm so worried for your safety with this man.

You are not crazy, he is just making you feel that way.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 11/01/2017 19:07

Right. He's now assaulted you and he's escalating.

Honey, you need to realise he is potentially a serious danger to the baby. He has gone off the rails since the birth, he has now hurt you, he has taken the baby away from you. Unfortunately domestic violence can peak when a new baby arrives and the younger the child the higher the risk of the abusive partner hurting them. If you possibly can, contact your father to come and get you and the children. If your father can bring any other large friends with him, so much the better.

You can, as a pp said, slip your midwife a note tomorrow that says 'i am being abused and threatened, he has become violent and assaulted me, I am afraid for the baby. Please help me'. The midwife SHOULD then find a reason to take you into another room alone, and if he kicks off or tries to prevent you then he's creating evidence right in public in front of people. But you would do better to ring your dad right now and get the hell out of there.

If he has a mental health issue with times of clarity then during the clarity he will understand and support that you HAVE to keep the children safe, and that means away from him. He will want what's best for his child. If he is an abuser playing mind games then there will be no clarity, just more mind games, and it will be all about him. In which case you need to be out of the house.

Report the assault to the police (tomorrow, when you're well away from him) that he pushed you, took your phone, took the baby, has made multiple threats, refuses to let you see professionals alone. You also need your midwife and health visitor in the picture. They will help you organise what comes next. Step one: get the hell out of there.

kittybiscuits · 11/01/2017 19:11

If you can't leave toniget write a letter to the GP/midwife and hand it to the receptionist the surgery tomorrow if you can, or leave it in the toilet. Write 'This is not a hoax. I am not safe and need help to get away' and give your details. Ask them to send the police and social care. Do anything you can do not to leave the surgery. Pretend to faint. Get on your own with a GP or nurse. I am so worried for your safety x

kittybiscuits · 11/01/2017 19:12

Sorry - cross-posted

Greypaw · 11/01/2017 19:14

Do you think it is too risky for you to attempt to leave now, without backup? I'm guessing he still has your phone. Are you ready to ask the Police to help, and if so is there a house phone you can use in safety? I'm not sure how else you can get a message out for help without him noticing or overhearing.

Many maternity services have methods you can use to let them know you need help. If yours doesn't, would it be safe to put a message to your midwife in your maternity notes as rumbling suggested?

PollytheDolly · 11/01/2017 19:14

Oh god! Please leave.

Greypaw · 11/01/2017 19:14

Cross posted. What kittybiscuits said.

ElspethFlashman · 11/01/2017 19:15

Midwives are on high alert for this stuff.

This means you can either slip her a note, or if you're too afraid of that, you can go to the loo whilst waiting (you probably have to go to supply a urine sample anyway) and once around a corner, tell another midwife to pass a message on to your own. That you need protection from your partner, and your name. It will take 10 seconds.

It will not be the first time that's happened, believe me. Midwives see and hear it all.

BantyCustards · 11/01/2017 19:19

Right, so if he is insisting on going with you tomorrow then let him. Write a note to hand to the first professional you can get alone and do not leave that surgery with him.

43percentburnt · 11/01/2017 19:26

On arrival tomorrow ask for a sample pot. Go to the loo. Return and hand over counter with a note asking for help, be very clear on it 'partner is abusing us, will not let me see midwife alone. I need urgent help'.
Reporting and documenting everything is the best way to reduce his chance of contact. Tell them everything, especially not letting you feed baby.

icanteven · 11/01/2017 19:32

Does he still have your phone? Are you online on a computer and can you email your Dad, or GP surgery?

FeelTheNoise · 11/01/2017 19:49

My love you need to get away from him as soon as possible, and believe me you can do this. I'm so worried about you and your babies x

KenzieBoosMummy · 11/01/2017 20:04

Kathy PLEASE PLEASE can you inbox message me somehow??

I can help xx

KenzieBoosMummy · 11/01/2017 20:08

Oh and Kath, I am also very near to you. I can help, please message me. I'm new to Mumsnet but I'm guessing you can message other users or give out email addresses???

FeelTheNoise · 11/01/2017 20:15

I want to help too. OP if you'd like, pm me your details. I'd call your local police force on your behalf and request a welfare check in which you're spoken to alone. I can assure you they're legally obliged to respond. Also, the police officers I've seen in relation to my abusive XP have been fantastic. All you'd have to do is tell them the truth and you'll never have to be alone with him again x

kath1987 · 11/01/2017 20:16

I've no idea if/how to private message Hmmx x

OP posts:
FeelTheNoise · 11/01/2017 20:17

Would you like me to message you?

FeelTheNoise · 11/01/2017 20:18

On the very right hand side is the option to message poster x

Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse