Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

[kath1987]

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

You know feel down he won't change...but understandably you want the dream...I did too I stuck with him and he was upset and remorseful to....it lasted a few months. He he really wants to change he would work on himself...counselling...courses ..etc....that takes years. By then you will have a new lif and no interest..what strong

Oh Kath, for a minute I thought your ex was my ex as the way he has "totally changed" over the past week sounds exactly like him when I threw him out in April 2015. Even the words are practically the same.

I did take him back. I couldn't resist the way he was being with me- it was like all of a sudden I was his whole world again (just like when we first met), instead of being shit on his shoe.

It didn't last. I got pregnant with baby no 4 two months later and he almost instantly went back to being a cunt. The emotional abuse left me sobbing in bed for hours at a time, leaving my three children to fend for themselves. I was terrified about the effect the stress would have on my unborn baby. Obviously ex didn't give a fuck.

He went on to get pissed when I was 8 months pregnant and wrote my car off while I was asleep. I STILL stayed with him. In the end he left me when the baby was a few weeks old because the poor lamb missed the single life. I've never looked back. He couldn't believe I'd taken the control back and didn't want him in my life. He wasn't pleasant. Thankfully now contact is via his mum as social services got involved. I'm with someone new and much happier (so are the children).

I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done, but please, please don't fall for his bullshit. You've done the hardest bit and now it's onwards and upwards. Please don't go back x

I remember a counsellor at Women's Aid once saying to me "if you get into another relationship, before you commit, make him angry".

Controversial, maybe, but it tells you so much about the man you're with. Your ex is running the gamut of emotional responses right now, maybe because he's genuinely emotionally dysregulating (which speaks volumes in itself and may not be something you want to be involved with...), or because he's trying to find out which buttons to push. You're seeing the one now that's the most difficult to deal with, but if you resist it my bet would be that he'll very very quickly switch to a different emotion and within perhaps a matter of days he'll have moved from contrite and conciliatory to angry and frustrated, smearing you, making statements about your mental health etc.

When the Women's Aid counsellor said to me "make him angry" what she was saying was that it's easy for abusers to pretend to be nice and to say the right stuff. When they are angry the real self comes out and that will tell you what's potentially in your future. You've already seen him angry. I'm sure he has the capacity to be wonderful, loving and generous. You know he also has the capacity to be aggressive, violent and hostile. Sadly you're not going to be able to chose one over the other; he comes as the whole package.

Kath I'm so sorry, you have to accept that you are never going to be able to play happy families with this man. He has shown his true colours. when he attacked your newborn and you. You know that newborns are fragile. Their heads are too heavy for their tiny bodies. Violent handling can damage their necks.
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE don't go back to him. IT'S A TRAP. His sort of person ALWAYS says how ashamed they are, how sorry they are. If you go back and it will all happen again, usually worse.
You urgently need to get on a Freedom Programme where you will learn the tactics of abusive partners. I know it's bizarre, but it's like they all have the same handbook. Yours has reached the 'page' which says: Convince her you're sorry, you're ashamed, you will change, it's all going to be different, you're all going to live happily ever after, you will cut off your right hand/climb Mount Everest/swim with great white sharks to convince her to come back. The silly moo will almost always believe you because she is normal and kind and believes there is good in everybody, that bad people can change - they just need love and help and she has buckets of love and help to give, to exploit. Then she will be trapped and you can start your mind games and punishments all over again, but they will have to be even worse so she is too frightened to ever think she can escape again.
Don't be that person!
The reality is some people are just bad and can't/won't change. It's not your job to help him. Your priority is yourself and your children and the best thing you can do for all of you is to KEEP AWAY from him and go no contact.
You are on the radar of all the authorities. They will help you to stay safe and free. But if you go back to him they may not give you their unquestioning support because they have your DC's welfare to consider. Unlike you, your DC do not have a choice about whether to live with dangerous people or not and the authorities have a statutory duty to protect them, even if it means taking them away from you.

If you go back you are effectively saying that the way he treated you was acceptable. The message you are giving him and your DC is that you value him over yours and your children's physical and emotional health, is that true? Do they deserve to live in a violent household?

He tried to harm your baby, how can you possibly return to someone like that just because he's cried? Him showing emotion doesn't absolve him of his behaviour, he's just upset he got caught. Did you put him on the birth certificate and has the baby got your surname now?

I remember a counsellor at Women's Aid once saying to me "if you get into another relationship, before you commit, make him angry".

That's interesting. I can see merit in that.

Even if he was 100% genuine about the remorse, and was one of the extremely rare people who counselling etc. Could change.
You should never go back to him, as it would be far too easy for him to relapse. A bit like an alcoholic would find it much harder to resist if the returned to the pub where they had always fed their addiction.

I think one of the hardest things Kath is accepting that your partner/ husband is an abuser. It took me years. Although he was going all of these things, I would always think to myself "yes, but he doesn't mean to do it he's stressed/ tired has mental health issues, etc, etc.. I'm not the same as these other women living with domestic violence, deep down he's a lovely person and really cares about me...."

I really think you need to talk to a DA support worker in really life if you can x

So now you're faced with a choice. Him or your kids. You can't have both as he's dangerous and can't be trusted not to hurt your innocent baby, if you choose him you're looking at a future filled with fear and uncertainty. If you choose the kids you face a tough start but a future filled with optisimsim. Your choice but its a non brainer for anyone reading this thread

It's a trap

From my experience anyway, some abusive people are damaged people who are fundamentally lacking something; they aren't proud of their behaviour and when they break down in tears I think some part of them really is sorry. Even then the difficulty is that they find it almost impossible to sustain anything healthy.

The other type (the more controlling type I would say) - their tears are far more manipulative altogether, and their nice guy/bad guy double act is almost designed to throw you off balance.

Either type is just bad news really.

However, OP from your posts your "ex" sounds like the latter type. Nasty, controlling and destructive, manipulative too. His latest tears. apologies and promises honestly make him sound like a completely unstable and unhinged nutjob! V. dangerous. I really hope you get this scary and unpleasant man out of your life as soon as you can, and use all the support and advice you can get to do this! There has been great advice on this thread - particularly not putting him on your baby's birth certificate - this can really help you distance yourself from him. Keep planning and keep moving forward, you will get more and more strength over time.

Goodness, I have just RTWT.

OP you have had problems in the past with your ex, and then he became nice again and persuaded you to stay. You had problems and then you fell pregnant. You had problems and then at Christmas he was all nice and proposed.

There is a pattern, Sweetheart. When he has been violent or abusive and you are considering leaving, he becomes nice again - the man you fell in love with - long enough to reel you back in. Abusers are often nice people, loveable, charming, persuasive. It's why we fall in love with them, and one of the ways they maintain control.

Your dcs need you, and they need you to be with someone who respects you, who listens to you, who does not put you down, threaten or attack you. He may have rights to see his child so if he has changed, that's great. He can use his new found kindness to build a positive relationship with his child.

No-one should have to be spoken to, and treated as you and his dc were.

No-one should have to live like that. For him to want to change, and become a decent father, will take years of work on his behalf.

On average it takes an abused woman 7 goes to leave a violent partner. You left a few days ago, then the police let you back in. You said then, I wish I had stayed away. He will be nice to you now, but if you went back, you have lost all of the opportunities you have taken this week to take control of your life.

Think about your two babies. Do you really want to move them again to a remote village miles and miles from your dad to risk it again. If your stbx really wants to be close to you, he could move nearer to you, letting his baby see him occasionally. You do not have to go back to the middle of no-where, and put yourself back into his hands again.

Thinking of you.

He may be sorry, but only because he's 'lost'.

He will say ANYTHING to get you back, and if you relent, it will escalate. He could kill you, or your baby.

Have you accessed the Freedom Programme yet? Do you have someone to talk to?

You are a HERO for getting this far - you are doing fantastically. Don't falter now - keep yourself and your beautiful children safe and away from this man.

Hope you are doing ok OP.

Please don't be swayed by his words. They are just words, I doubt he's attending counselling and if he IS I doubt it's his choice but another motion to go through to appease SS/Police etc.

He will never give up his home or job - he will promise it but will just delay, procrastinate, make excuses. It will never happen.

His rage will be simmering under the surface right now, he will be outwardly contrite because he has no choice as everyone is watching him! But inside he will be blaming you for this. For involving the police, for flagging him up to authorities, for shining a light on him in front of family/friends etc. If you go home I can guarantee he will punish you for this. You've humiliated him and he will not let this one go. Please please don't go back.

Thinking of you OP.

Please remember if you go back to him you will probably lose your children. It's too dangerous for them and you too to be around him. Don't be fooled by his waterworks. No-one changes personality in a few days it just isn't possible. He's just saying what he thinks you want to hear to get you back. Pretty soon he'll be a cunt again.

He says never to think I can outsmart him, because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off.
Don't forget this OP. Really, remember those words of his.

With people like your ex-partner, his behaviour is all to do with WINNING and nothing to do with love, respect, caring.
Please don't be fooled. If you go back, in his mind he will have won.

I will be staying put in my home town where I have my friends and family. Got a lady from the domestic abuse service coming to see me today so she's going to help me get some things figured out hopefully. My ex is undergoing therapy but I've explained it will take along time for any sort of trust to be there again. We have mediation on Friday to discuss contact with the kids. I will be firm with what I want x x

Please be aware some people, the ones without a conscience, can not be helped by therapy and from what you have described, I suspect your ex-partner is one of them. Normal people instinctively know not to rough-handle a newborn baby. There is something inherently wrong with your ex-partner to flout this rule of society and no therapist, doctor or medication can fix this very dangerous part of him.

When you have done the Freedom Programme and feel ready, look for a man who is kind, caring and respects you and your DC.
You will sell yourself very short indeed if you ever go back to this freak. You can easily find 1million% better.

He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off.

IMHO this alone is a reason to have nothing to do with him ever again. I really believe to do so is to unwittingly give consent for evil having a place to flourish at the centre of your life, even if you think you are motivated by being forgiving and caring. But its your decision of course. I hope you get help from domestic abuse service.

I'm so relieved to hear you're not going back to him... it's really hard not to fall for their lies. I think you're amazing, you've been so strong through all this and put your little ones above everything x

kath may I ask what has the DV officer advised..? What has WA. told you?

I only ask, because it is well documented that mediation does not work with an abuser. If you do decide to mediate, personally l would ask that it not be done in a meeting together (mediators can go room to room), I would also choose someone with knowledge of abuse as well.

If it were me, I would avoid mediation altogether and ask him to take you to court.

I would also suggest, that you get another phone and keep the other for him to contact you on. This way, it avoids the emotional blackmail and manipulation that he is doing. BTW, he may well be in therapy but if he was truly trying to change, then he would be giving you space.