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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

271 replies

kath1987 · 07/01/2017 20:46

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

OP posts:
SadTrombone · 16/01/2017 06:16

Check out this thread and think about how far you've come

picklemepopcorn · 16/01/2017 06:23

I'm so sorry to read all this- nothing helpful to add, the pps have great advice. Just Flowers

Phoebefromfriends · 16/01/2017 06:32

I've been lurking on this thread for a while as it's been quite disturbing and I'm so relieved you left. Everytime you think about how nice he is or how hard it is for him remember how stressful it was when he wouldn't let you feed your baby, or when he drove off with your baby. He isn't a nice person and doesn't deserve your attention. Please stay strong and don't fall for the trap of contacting him.

I'm not an expert so someone can correct me is there a potential that if you returned SS might try to remove your children? I really think you need to prioritise them and block his number or change your numbers, you have to keep being strong. I know you can do it as you've already taken the first step.

Phoebefromfriends · 16/01/2017 06:48

Also I would make a list of the date and times he rang your dad's house and what he said and I'd take that and your phone with the text messages to the police, I'm sure he's breaching his bail conditions by contacting you and even if he isn't I would push for a restraining order.

For the sake of your future safety and that of your children you have to stay strong and not give into his sob story. You were lucky (if that's the right word) that no one including your baby were seriously hurt when you left.

You are so brave just keep focusing on that and block him out.

Violetcharlotte · 16/01/2017 10:22

The conflicting emotions are tough aren't they? I remember feeling sorry for my ex, it's difficult to switch your feelings off for someone you really loved. You need to remember though, it's his actions and behaviour that caused this situation, you've not done it to him.

Try to stay strong, you've done so well so far. I would really advise blocking his calls and keep a record of every contact he makes. I didn't do either but really wish I had, looking back.

And most importantly, take care of yourself - eat properly, sleep as much as you need to. You'll need your strength to get you through this next bit x

FurryLittleTwerp · 16/01/2017 12:36

His behaviour is entirely predictable I'm afraid.

Have you watched Murdered By My Boyfriend? That poor girl keep being persuaded to go back Sad

Sorry to point that out, but you really mustn't even think about contacting him at the moment. It's hard to switch off your feelings for someone.

keepingonrunning · 16/01/2017 13:06

I, too, was maliciously reported to my GP by abusive XH with lies about non-existent schizophrenic-type symptoms. It's frightening. He portrayed himself as the concerned, loving husband doing the right thing.
Please block your partner's number. And please remember the man you fell in love with does not exist. Your partner created the illusion of himself as the perfect lover. But it was only so you would become emotionally dependent on him, making it very difficult for you to leave when he abused you later and even more so after having a baby together.
You are grieving for the person you thought he was but he deceived you. He is not that person and never has been. He was pretending. It's a horrid realisation but you will get through it. You have a bright future ahead without him.

WalkingDownTheRoad · 16/01/2017 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kath1987 · 17/01/2017 14:11

Received a solicitors letter today to attend mediation. Has anyone had experience with this? X x

OP posts:
Greypaw · 17/01/2017 14:26

Yes, I was told by his divorce solicitor that I'd have to go to mediation before we applied to court to sort the finances. I contact Women's Aid. They said on no account should I have to go because of the abuse, and if I attended the initial MIAM alone, they would fill in a form that said mediation wasn't suitable in our circumstances. She was very assertive about it not being a good idea to go, even if we weren't having mediation in the same room as each other, as although an abusive ex might behave in the session they could wait for you outside etc (apparently more common that one would think).

The issue of mediation was only raised as a precursor to applying to court though. Did the letter mention that at all?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/01/2017 14:43

You should never go to any kind of counselling or mediation with your abuser.
As PP has said, contact Womens Aid they can help you with this issue.
Or your DV person if you have one allocated where you are now.

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 14:50

You DO NOT have to mediate with an abuser. You can't reason with the unreasonable.

BantyCustards · 17/01/2017 14:52

Kath - within 48 hours of my ex and his family realising I meant business they were calling just about everyone they could think of to try to have my children taken off me: funny how none of them had concerns when we were together and I was a full time SAHM whilst he went to work. they didn't succeed. It's all part of the control.

Stay strong.

Lostsoul231 · 17/01/2017 14:58

As far as I know, mediation is not required in cases such as yours where there has been domestic abuse.

Hardtokeepgoing · 17/01/2017 16:33

Hi OP,
Ring the mediator directly and explain about the police and social care intervention. If they knew you were frightened of him and had to get your things when he was out, they wouldn't invite you to be together.
Be careful - although we were in different rooms we had to stand together in the reception to pay (cue snidey comments) and then he waited for me outside when I walked to the car (verbal abuse and mind games).
Avoid xx

keepingonrunning · 17/01/2017 17:43

I don't understand why mediation would be relevant when you are not married.

Original poster
kath1987 · 17/01/2017 17:55

Mediation for seeing the kids x

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 17/01/2017 18:06

No experience with this Kath but I would agree with other posters and not attend the mediation before you've had some advice from an expert. Is there a local DA group supporting you? Hope you're doing ok x

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 18:28

I wouldn't. Also I spent a thousand pounds on mediation at my ex's insistence and he never did one single thing he agreed to. Not one thing. It's not worth the paper it's written on and is a complete waste of time if you're dealing with someone abusive.

KenzieBoosMummy · 17/01/2017 18:31

Kath1987 I have! Pm me again?? I've been in this exact situation and you are entitled to full Legal Aid. As I said if you PM me, I'll explain x

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 18:31

Mediation for seeing the kids

Tough shit. He should have thought about his kids whilst he was abusing their mother. Mediation my arse.

Original poster
kath1987 · 17/01/2017 18:31

I would get legal aid as I have little income. The domestic abuse team contacted me today so I will give them a ring tomorrow x

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 17/01/2017 18:44

My God Kath. Obvs do not go back, he is highly dangerous.

Keep strong, and Good luck

Violetcharlotte · 17/01/2017 19:08

It's probably another way of him trying to control you. He's obviously told his solicitor a pack of lies, and the solicitor has, well meaningly, suggested mediation, which he'll use as an opportunity to get at you and your kids. Ignore, ignore, ignore!
Good luck with the DA apt x

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 19:11

You need specialist legal advice. He attacked you and took your newborn. Police and social care are involved. He's one cheeky fucker getting a solicitor to write to you about mediation. Be strong. Thinking of you.

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