Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

[kath1987]

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

Thinking of you.
Take care

It's devastating when you realise he's a conman who was only nice to you to trap you so he could abuse you. It was pre-meditated which, as a pp says, is very sinister.
So glad you have broken free.

I loved him so much and he's just not that same person anymore.

A note of caution - I have no doubt he was wonderful to start with, and was/is still periodically wonderful. They all are, otherwise no one would fall for them. Slowly the rot creeps in - some will say they were never that nice person and it was all an act, some will say they are both the nice and the nasty person. Either way, it's all a bit Jekyll & Hyde.

Here's the point: abused partners never go back to Hyde - they go back to the nice Dr Jekyll. Because that's the person they fell for and the person they formed the relationship with, they think that this is the "real" side of the man, and that Hyde just reared his ugly head because of stress, or jealousy, or a bad childhood, or something, anything. So they go back to the "real" man, thinking that if they just get the combination right again it'll be ok; if they can just get that magical formula like they must have managed in those wonderful early days, then everything will be ok again.

That's what most women go back to - they don't go back to an abuser, they go back thinking and believing that this time the real him might be back to stay.

You don't need me to say this, you know the punchline. You've seen the real him, and it's the him you'd see much more of if you hadn't left. In the days that come, if you find yourself feeling sad or guilty, or if he comes at you with promises to change, just remember that. Well done on getting out and keeping you and your babies safe.

I'm a year down the line and still have days of questioning and blaming myself - these types of people are incredibly good at it.

The final straw that had my ex arrested came when, snstead of crying and begging, I reacted with a calm 'ok' to him telling me what a nightmare I was and to fuck off out of his life: that was the moment when he realised he was losing control and got hold of me and hurt me. A year down the line he still.bleats on about me being the crazy and abusive one.

Please don't go back - his true colours are only just starting to blossom: give yourself the opportunity of allowing him to unleash them in full force so you can see them in all their glory and have the chance to truly move on to better, brighter, safer things.

Thankyou to everyone for their kind words and advice. They have really helped me see the light. You've all helped me realise I'm not going mad, I'm not alone and that I've done the right thing. My 4year old is quite upset, and having to answer the questions he has is so difficult. I've tried telling him that as long as him, mummy and baby are together that's all we need to be happy ❤ x x

Well done to you for coping marvellously with all that's been happening.
I've was with a physically and emotionally abusive husband for 15 years and left 18 months ago, he followed me and really badly beat me up after I left. That was the moment I realised finally that I was doing the right thing.
The temptation to go back with him though was huge, I worried he was right and I wouldn't cope on my own, I worried about setting up a home on my own...but after living in homeless accommodation after leaving my beautiful home last year I finally got the keys to my own house in December 2016 and I'm so happy, I never thought I'd feel this free and happy and careless ever. I was with my ex since I was 16 so I've never been on my own really.
I've done it, I have a house I'm providing for my children and we have a safe living home.

Honestly if I can do it you can, please please see this through and don't be tempted by whatever pathetic bull shit he tells you eg, stress from work, past problems. You're out of it now and please stay out of it.
Enjoy the new life for yourself you're about to create!

Much love and hugs and sending masses of hope encouragement to you x

Safe LOVING home I mean.

Also do you have support from a domestic abuse dept at the local council or women's aid? Practical advice may be something that's glaring obvious but in you're current state of mind you may not have thought of?

Yes I got a phone call earlier from the domestic abuse service in the area I've moved back to x x

Kath I'm so so glad you had the courage to leave. You've got my number or can inbox me if you need any help with anything at all. I've been there. It WILL get easier. Xxx

Kath, you are a very brave lady! So happy for you that you have had the courage to get yourself out of this awful situation and that the lovely ppl on MN have helped. Take care of yourself and your littles! xxx

How are you OP? I hope you're ok, as well as can be x

Still feeling a bit jittery coming to terms with things. Ex contacted my dad yesterday begging to speak to my eldest (not his biological son), my dad said no. Got a phone call from social services saying they'd had a call from my ex expressing his concerns for my kids safety as I was mentally unstable. He the msgd me last night telling me he loves me and he's thinking of me. I'm exhausted and my heads just all over the place x x

Oh Kate he is following the abusers script! They all project! Try and make you question your sanity. My SBXH said I wasn't mentally stable enough to have dcs. ..scared the life out of me. ...I then realised that he was the one with the drink problem...later diagnoised with N/BPD.. stay strong I went trpugh two years of what you just left...having been together 20 years...4 years later dd is still struggling. I wish I had gone at the first sign...as it does esculate before you realise it. X

The malicious call to Social Care is a timely reminder of what you are dealing with. Are they going to do anything? Did you tell them why you left? Thinking of you. Sending good wishes and hope your Dad is taking care of you.

Stay strong. Stay calm. Don't trust him. Don't even think of talking to him or meeting with him. He needs to keep away and give you space. But don't fall into the trap of relenting and feeling sorry for him whatever you do. Write down everything he did so you don't forget it. This is to protect you and DCs. You have done really well!

Kath love, he stuffed himself permanently when he was arrested and the police had to help you leave. He doesn't stand a hope in hell of convincing anyone that you're the one his children are in danger from. He's just notching up more evidence of him being abusive.

Am so glad your Dad refused to let him speak to your boy, your ex is doing all he can to get back his control over you all and doesn't care who he hurts to get it. Hopefully social services will be wise to these tricks. Stay in touch, people on here are wonderful, as I have found, and give great support and advice xxx

Kath reading this makes me so mad!! This is just what my ex did, used to use my eldest (who was also 4 at the time to try and get at me). As he is their biological Dad, and I didn't report what he did, he had contact with the children and every single week was complete hell. He used to try and make out I was neglecting them, said he's get custody... like point back it's all laughable, but when you're in the situation it's very, very upsetting and scary.

Block his number so he can't text or call you and get your Dad to do the same. Make sure you've got him blocked on all social media. This next bits going to be really tough for you, but you can do it, you've already proved how strong you are.

If you're ever having a wobble, please do come and talk to us in here. So many of us have been in the same boat and know what you're going through and always happy to listen x

God he's an arsehole. Arrested and got the thick skin to ring SS then the brass balls to be the "poor me but I love you" in a text later?

Thank god you're with your Dad and out of this toxic crap.

Classic abuser! Tries to destroy your mental health, then harps on about concerns for your mental health 😡
When I left XP, he said he was concerned about my MH and said he'd have to tell the midwife and ss. Unfortunately for him they already knew who and what he is. I've still got that message now. When I was heavily pregnant, he tried to convince the judge I was an unfit mother, luckily for my baby the judge didn't believe him!
In fact he's still harping on about my MH, while still trying to destroy it. So glad to be away from him!
One thing I learned on the freedom programme, that keeps being reinforced on here, is that abusers are pretty much all the same. Same agendas, same tactics. It's weird how the same stories are being played out around the world, really horrible x

"She's got mental health issues" is such a classic line from abusive men that I'd be surprised if SS etc don't do a little eye-roll every time they hear it. They have to ask you about it, of course, but this is a line they'll be wise to.

FWIW, when I finally stood my ground with my abusive ex-H, he went straight to his GP and said he was worried for my mental health and told her he believed I needed sectioning. His GP contacted my GP, who called me to go in and see her, and when I told her what had been going on she said "glad to hear you're finally standing up for yourself, well done". But yeah, he asked to have me sectioned. He'd also convinced me the year before to start seeing a psychologist because I "clearly had mental health issues". Rather brilliantly it backfired when the psychologist gave me a clean bill of mental health, which I could wave like a banner every time he tried to trot out that line.

All par for the course, OP. He sounds like he's running scared. Hopefully you continue to get good support next week.

OP you're amazingly brave. Well done x

How are you feeling now OP? x

Feeling drained really. Ex messaged me again yesterday pleading for me to go home, he also rang my dad who had to explain 3 times that I wouldn't be going back. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him which I know is wrong. I miss him so much (the nice him) and all I want to do is message him. His family are being really supportive which is good. Waiting from a call from SS today to see where I go from here x x

Stay strong pet. The worst is over - you just need to hold firm for the sake of your DC and baby.
Whenever you feel like going back, pop your hand on your bump and remember his reaction to the surname situation. Ask if you'd want your baby to be born into a house where that behaviour is going on.