Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

[kath1987]

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

You are a hero. Your actions are those of a brave, fierce and dedicated mother! I'm proud of you.

Kath I'm so relieved to hear this, from what you were saying I was afraid he'd hurt you or the baby. So very glad you have your midwife and social services now batting in your corner and your dad on your way. Very very well done, you've been so brave to speak out

If you haven't already been to HV or midwife, ask her to take a look at your boob/vagina or something else private. Then he can't come with you. Make something up- anything that gets you 1-to-1 with her. Good luck x

Sorry, inadvertently skipped a page- seen you've been to midwife. Well done you

Well done Kath. Hearing that your safe has made me so relieved. It's so awful when you know someone's in a horrendous situation and there's nothing you can do to help. You're being really, really brave. Just meed to make sure you stay strong and don't let your resolve weaker, no matter what sob story/ excuses he comes up with (as no doubt he will)

Hope your Dads taking good care of you and your little ones x

Fantastic!

Great news

Well done. You might be in for a tough time for a little while but it'll be completely worth it in the long run. Stay strong and seek help from everyone around you. I'd be there in a heartbeat of a friend or relative needed me in that circumstance so people will be there for you too if you ask them. Good look and you've done a brilliant thing today.

Do not fall for any of his manipulation - in fact go no contact.

You have done an amazing thing for your children. You may even have saved their lives or yours. Hold on to that if you wobble over the coming weeks. The future is already looking brighter.

Thanks to you your lovely children won't grow up around an abusive twat. Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly.

You have been amazing, I hope that you are safe with your Dad now x

Well done OP, you have been very brave.

Try to focus on one day at a time rather than getting bogged down in big stuff. Stay safe, let SS, midwife and family help, and little by little things will get better.

Well things didn't go quite to plan. I rang for an escort but was told there wasn't the resources so ended up going home with just my dad. My partner refused to let me take my son and called the police. They turned up and talked to us both and basically said I can do what I want and if I want them to stay while I pack my stuff they will. I said I'd be ok and I wanted to stay at home and the suggested my partner leave (which he did) but once everyone had gone home he came back pleading with me to give him another chance. I wish I had just gone with my dad x x

You can still go and stay with your dad. Your DP has already broken his promise to leave! How can you trust him? If your DP really wants to change, he needs to spend time alone and get help. If you feel scared, that's no life and your 4 year old needs to feel safe and secure. He'll pick up and every little sign.

OP, see how he starts snivelling as soon as you stand up for yourself even a little? I thought he could always outsmart you and would always win? If you knew how weak and pathetic he is, truly knew, you'd have no fear. If you haven't let him in, don't. Get in contact with your father and midwife and arrange your support. Do the police know he threatened you and your kids?

It takes almost all abused women several attempts to leave properly, don't feel bad.

He really cannot handle the idea of losing his control of you and your children, can he? At least your Dad and the authorities are aware of the situation and will help if you ask them to, and you're not fighting this alone. Can you still call your Dad and ask him to take you all? Please do all you can to escape, and leave this scumbag once and for all x x well done for being so brave yesterday xx

And continuing to be so brave, I will add! Xx

so did you tell him to go or did you let him come back home? Please do not forget this is the man who wanted to keep you away from your son. He does not deserve the steam off your tea, let alone anything else.

It took several attempts for me to leave my ex husband. He even took a load of pills once, after I'd left him and had started to rebuild my life. Like a fool, I went back. It was all emotional blackmail and abuse!

I eventually left for good and went through hell as a result but it was worth it in the long run.

He won't change. You do know that don't you? If you can, go and stay with your dad.

It's so hard to leave and often takes many, many attempts. I really feel for you as I can imagine you're feeling really mixed up and confused. You need to think of your little ones and do what's best for them, which is for them to grow up in a safe, loving environment. This man will never change.

OP please be careful. Can you "pop to the shops" or go for a walk/car ride to "get baby to sleep". Anything at all to get you out of the house?

Go back to your midwife, or a baby walk in weigh clinic, or the nearest coffee shop and call your local Women's Aid. Hull's is 01482 446099 if that's close to you. They have helped me in the past and been extremely supportive.

Don't leave this over the weekend when there are less people "on duty".

If you can't do any of that official scary stuff then please call your dad to come get you? If baby is being breastfed every thing else you might need you can pick up cheaply at asda/Tesco to tide you over.

I'm rather sceptical at how quickly he set up and attended this therapy session. Sorry but I find it highly unlikely he's even been to one!

Even if he does have some mental health issues, your very first duty is to safeguard your children and yourself. Take care.

OP you are doing brilliantly, what you did takes courage and if the resources had been there to help you you may be in a different position now. Even so, as others have said, it often takes a couple of attempts.

I'm concerned for you because if the cycle of abuse runs true to form, he will be worried about you leaving for a while, knowing he pushed it too far and apologising. But this won't last, and cycles of abuse tend to get worse as they go on, because the perpetrator stores up more and more anger and goes from feeling sorry for overdoing it, to switching the blame for his behaviour to you: i.e., that if you hadn't acted this way or that way, he wouldn't have HAD to overdo it. And by telling other people and attempting to leave, you exerted some control which I'm sure he'll find it hard to let go of. Women are most at risk when they are at the point of leaving a relationship for this reason.

I'm cautious about posting all this because I don't want to scare you, and the fact that the midwives, police and social services all have you on their radar is good because it means that a) you've got someone looking out for you and b) he might behave himself in the short term if he knows he's being watched. But I do think these things cycle back round, and he'll get to the point where he'll be angry with you for having tried to leave. So is there any way you can still follow through with your intention to get to safety, before he gets to that point?

Presumably your kids are now known to social services as being in an abuse situation. The agencies you've engaged with have a duty to protect your children, they won't just back off because he cried and promised not to do it again.