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Original poster

Losing friends when life changes for the better!

186 replies

oxosmoothie · 07/01/2017 10:29

I come from very humble beginnings and found I made friends with people of similar backgrounds growing up. We had similar troubles: problematic parents, difficult relationships, lack of money etc etc.

I'm now in my 30s and am still friends with some of the people I became friends with in my late teens/early20s, when I was facing a lot of these struggles still.

Ive worked hard to alter my mental health for the better, been well educated, got myself a decent job, made a decent living and changed my life around for the better. I've married a good man, with a good job and we have enough money to live on the lower end of comfortably.

We have recently moved to a bigger house, a detached house, in a nice area with a nice garden, nothing huge, but nice and comfortable. I recently invited a small group of these friends to the new house and was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually. So I just made sure I told them how hard we've had to work for all we have. I've not been boastful I don't feel and I still go out with them and organise social events for us all.

However since inviting the 3 friends to my new house, I haven't heard from 2 of them, despite contacting them. There was also a recent night out which I wasnt invited to, I always include them all when I arrange anything. I feel a bit upset really. I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life?

OP posts:
Cel982 · 08/01/2017 18:23

It is a class thing, I think, which is why you don't get it.
Money can't buy it for you, remember

Grin Oh dear. I'm afraid you're way off the mark here, but nice try anyway.

Cel982 · 08/01/2017 18:25

Yes, it is a class thing. Nothing wrong with showing people round your home at all. But in upper class social settings, it is considered gauche.

Actually, the genuine 'upper classes' will definitely give you a tour of their homes, complete with history of the paintings and the more significant books in their library. But that's not really what we're talking about here.

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 18:31

Upper class? I was under the impression some of the discussion was about the middle class.

Lonelyatxmas · 08/01/2017 18:32

Actually, the genuine 'upper classes' will definitely give you a tour of their homes, complete with history of the paintings and the more significant books in their library

Yes, this is true for estates but there would also be private areas that would not be part of the "tour".

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 18:41

"Cel982

It is a class thing, I think, which is why you don't get it.
Money can't buy it for you, remember

grin Oh dear. I'm afraid you're way off the mark here, but nice try anyway."

Hmmm. I doubt it. Your post contained little touches which make me question the status tinwhich you allude. For instance, you refer to a "great size back garden" which is clunky, as is the reference to the position of the garden irrelevant.

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 18:42

CaraAspen

"Cel982

It is a class thing, I think, which is why you don't get it.
Money can't buy it for you, remember

grin Oh dear. I'm afraid you're way off the mark here, but nice try anyway."

Hmmm. I doubt it. Your post contained little touches which make me question the status to which you allude. For instance, you refer to a "great size back garden" which is clunky, as is the reference to the position of the garden irrelevant.

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 18:44

"Cel982

Yes, it is a class thing. Nothing wrong with showing people round your home at all. But in upper class social settings, it is considered gauche.

Actually, the genuine 'upper classes' will definitely give you a tour of their homes, complete with history of the paintings and the more significant books in their library. But that's not really what we're talking about here."

As someone else has suggested - no, they certainly would not! Even when a grand house or castle is open to the public, the family's apartments are always private.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/01/2017 18:45

I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life

You sound incredibly snobbish and patronising OP and from this and the title of your thread (not to mention the fact that you refuse to take on board any kind of criticism over your behaviour) it's clear you've already made up your mind about who's at fault and what the problem is (even though it's a whole group of people excluding you, even though there are a huge number of posters who say you've been tactless/thoughtless, even though your friends might not give a single shit about how well you're doing but understandably not enjoy being shown off to and patronised with a hard work lecture)

If you are honest with yourself, willing to accept that you might be partially at fault for the way you handled things, that you were perhaps showing off a bit and also that having a nice house etc isn't the be all and end all so you can maybe get past all this (i.e. seeing beyond the end of your nose) you could potentially salvage these friendships.

But to me, from the way you talk about these people, you seem to think you are better than them (whether that's financially or as a person) - so what is the actual point?

MaMaof04 · 08/01/2017 18:51

Dear Oxo! You worked hard and you deserve your house, and I hope your husband deserves you. You did nothing wrong. This is human nature. They have wrongly interpreted your invitation and explanations/justifications. You know what they say : Noblesse oblige. You have done better than them all then it is you now who will have to be gracious and forgive them all. IMHO do not expect any congratulations on their part especially if they are still struglling. It is also up to you to rebuild your relationships with them. You can I think tackle the problem quite diplomatically by telling them : 'hey I noticed that I have not seen much of you recently. You know I do miss you.' You can even maybe organise another event in your house that would echo what you used to do. Not having a tour of your house but:
1- just sitting in the living room and talking about their problems- (do not share your problems - they might seem trifles to them- just let them talk and listen to them attentively and with empathy) - and
2- poking fun at each other -
Maybe you can also provide the drinks and snacks and food you used to have in the past and you just slowly rebuild your friendship, and erase the previous showing of your house that went so wrong. I am happy that you were able to make it and through hard work extracted yourself from the background in which you grew up. Good Luck!

CakesRUs · 08/01/2017 18:52

I've got a friend who has done exceptionally well for herself, more than most, we've always instigated the "come on, let's see your new house" and when we've visited she's genuinely humble, whilst I do the gushing (it's worth gushing about). I'm happy for her, she's been lucky but also worked very hard. I'm chuffed for her.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 19:03

I'm howling at 'noblesse oblige'

You know the OP isn't part of the aristocracy don't you despite how she likes to appear

As for 'being gracious and forgiving them' - there are no words Grin

MaMaof04 · 08/01/2017 19:03

CakesRUs not everyone is as sweet as you! Cake

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 19:04

Cakes If your friend decided to be superior about it, I'm sure you wouldn't be so keen

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 19:05

"MaMaof04

... Not having a tour of your house but:
1- just sitting in the living room and talking about their problems- (do not share your problems - they might seem trifles to them- just let them talk and listen to them attentively and with empathy) - and
2- poking fun at each other -
Maybe you can also provide the drinks and snacks and food you used to have in the past and you just slowly rebuild your friendship, and erase the previous showing of your house that went so wrong. I am happy that you were able to make it and through hard work extracted yourself from the background in which you grew up. Good Luck!"

How utterly patronising your suggestions are. I thought your post was a spoof, when I first read it. Wow.

CaraAspen · 08/01/2017 19:07

Gracious and forgiving. Yep. It is a spoof.

MaybeDoctor · 08/01/2017 19:08

I think two things were happening here:

A bit of cognitive dissonance amongst your friends that you are clearly moving into a different income level/sphere/way of life. Which causes them to question your situation and their own situation in life....

I think the tour might have been a bit of a blunder. Much better for guests to see your house naturally as you welcome people in, move into another room to eat, show people the way to the loo...

I don't think you have done anything wrong as such, but suspect that your friendships might not survive it. Sorry. The advice about sending a nice message and leaving the ball in their court is probably the best option.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 19:13

Cara Dammit I'm so gullible Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 19:27

GrinGrinGrin

lovelyshinyhair · 08/01/2017 19:41

I do t think you sound smug at all how else are you supposed to write your post without describing the situation. It doesn't sound like it's just down to luck that you've done well for yourself sounds like you've worked hard to improve your life for you and your family. I'm pretty sure there's not many people would turn their nose up at a nice home and comfortable life. Sounds like jealousy to me! If they were happy with their own lives and truly cared about you as a friend they would celebrate your success and enjoy spending time with you and seeing you happy in your lovely home. Forget them, sometimes you just have to move on.

TatianaLarina · 08/01/2017 21:29

The better you feel about yourself, the less you need to haunt an Internet thread bitching at the OP.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 21:38

Arf at 'haunting' - you know you can access MN on a phone, right? This allows for casual use.

TatianaLarina · 08/01/2017 21:50

I'm well aware how MN works. It's not the means at issue, but the obsessive nature of them. It just comes across as a bit tragic.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 21:51

Oh okay. Thanks for putting me right Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/01/2017 21:51

Perhaps you could tell everyone how many times they are allowed to post?

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