Losing friends when life changes for the better!

[oxosmoothie]

I come from very humble beginnings and found I made friends with people of similar backgrounds growing up. We had similar troubles: problematic parents, difficult relationships, lack of money etc etc.

I'm now in my 30s and am still friends with some of the people I became friends with in my late teens/early20s, when I was facing a lot of these struggles still.

Ive worked hard to alter my mental health for the better, been well educated, got myself a decent job, made a decent living and changed my life around for the better. I've married a good man, with a good job and we have enough money to live on the lower end of comfortably.

We have recently moved to a bigger house, a detached house, in a nice area with a nice garden, nothing huge, but nice and comfortable. I recently invited a small group of these friends to the new house and was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually. So I just made sure I told them how hard we've had to work for all we have. I've not been boastful I don't feel and I still go out with them and organise social events for us all.

However since inviting the 3 friends to my new house, I haven't heard from 2 of them, despite contacting them. There was also a recent night out which I wasnt invited to, I always include them all when I arrange anything. I feel a bit upset really. I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life?

Thanks January, I won't!

Op, I think you're maybe a little materialistic and impressed with yourself. And that's fine. I'm ex council house and my own home is approx seven figures in value. I get it.

However, I think where we differ is when I recently had some old friends to stay, friends in a very different financial bracket, I didn't show them round. Just there's the loo and my husband will shove your bag in your room. Will point it out to you later, now what do you want to drink?. Walking them round would have felt like I was showing off. Plus they were there to see us, we wanted their company, the house was irrelevant. I didn't need them to ooh and aaah.

I also have a friend whose house is worth several million. When I went round once her hubby said let me show you round. And she said, no, don't be silly to him. It would have just been me oohing and aahing and basically me admiring it.

So I think whether you meant it , you did indeed have them round so you could show off your home to them, even though you understood they were financially struggling and I think they got that and possibly thought less of you for it.

Your thread title indicates you think they don't want to be your friend as your life is now better. Nothing about how you made them feel.

It's tough but you'll make new friends.

I don't think the OP wants to take any comments on board.

I find it extraordinary that anyone would think showing friends around your house was showing off. To me it's just basic manners.

I'd be offended if someone decided I wasn't well off enough to be shown their house without being awed or envious. I don't care how much money you have. Why does that mean I can't see your house?

There can be a lot going on, lots of different reasons for reactions. I really wanted to be happy for my friend when I saw round her new home a few years ago. But the whole thing was quite awkward, we were living in a one bedroom council flat with our baby and whilst I didn't begrudge my friend's 4 bed new build for her and her partner, it was hard seeing the excess of space when our conditions were so cramped. All I wanted was a nice home, it was hard to look at one we could never afford even though I didn't think she didn't deserve it.

And it was all tied in with my worry for her, she had bought the house with someone wasnt divorced, and I was concerned that the money he put in may not have been entirety his yet and that they could be forced to sell. And I felt sorry for her, showing off bedrooms for his teenage children that she hadn't yet met (I'm not sure she has even now, they didn't go to the wedding). So there was awkwardness because I so wanted a home like that and because I was concerned about the house tying her to a relationship that didn't seem good for her.

It also wasnt the sort of house she had been looking at previously, she is an outdoorsy, horsey person and had been looking at smaller houses with more land. So seeing them choose a new build, over priced, with more rooms than they needed and no 'room for a pony' made me wonder how much was really her choice and how much of her was being swallowed by a relationship which he was still keeping secret.

I knew she worked hard for it and I was glad she had a nice home but it maybe was a bit awkward sometimes that first visit even though she is down to earth. I love her to bits and it was easier once our own housing situation improved. Unfortunately shortly after their wedding they were both made redundant and really struggled to find work which paid as well so their house was at risk. It was really hard for them but they got through it and eventually got into her. My friend has always been a good grafter (worked through school and uni in low paid jobs) despite being underestimated by teachers etc, so I'm really proud of her and I'm glad she didn't drop me because I was a bit awkward the first time I visited her home. I said the awkward "you've worked so hard for it" when she was a bit embarrassed, though it was true, the reason we can't afford a house like that isn't because we don't.

Now I know all that is a bit specific and is unlikely to apply in OP's situation but sometimes its not straightforward smugness versus jealousy.

It's normal to show friends around a new home. Real friends would be happy for you. The comments here about you being smug or showing off are the same as the attitude of your so called friends. Some people have real chips on their shoulders and can't be happy for others. This obvious from the bitchy comments on this thread.

It's normal to show friends round your new home !

She eventually got back into her industry.*

I find it extraordinary that anyone would think showing friends around your house was showing off. To me it's just basic manners

I wouldn't think it was 'showing off', but I'd think it was pretty embarrassing for the showee to be taken around someone's house as if it was a National Trust pile with a guide reeling off stuff about the Van Dyke and the bed Queen Anne slept in.

was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually

It's perfectly possible that your old friends are fond of you, but just found it as weird as I would have. Honestly, OP, it's lovely that you're excited about your new house, but what were you expecting from the people on your house tour - shrieks of admiration at the grouting? Moans of envy at the bedroom carpet?

I don't mean that in the least nastily, but no one's that invested in anyone else's house, and I can imagine that trying to appear as 'excited' as a host might seem to expect, all the way through to the en suite/garden shed might strain even the most dutiful. Especially if you don't all get together often and/or they had come a long way and were longing for something to eat/drink/a sit-down/the loo, and instead got a guided tour of your airing cupboard...?

(And can I ask the people who have habitually been shown around their friends' renovations - what is appropriate to say? How excited do you have to appear? I'm another person who has literally never done this, or had it done to me!)

Had a significantly better house than some friends (they thought outbuilding was a neighbour - it's not) and they ASKED for a tour. Felt awkward, but how can you say 'no'. Friends should be friends no matter what OP. I know that if DP and I were to get ill we'd lose our lucky lifestyle.

Butterfingers, you sound like such a begrudging person. Even if you are trying to dress it up as humour

Monday, are you genuinely interested in someone else's grouting or curtains? I'm not in the least begrudging - I have never been given a house tour, in this country or anywhere else I've lived (someone did show me what she thought was a filled-in well in the garden once) and I'm interested that a lot of people on the thread think it's normal good manners for here. (Especially given that one of my first impressions of this country was that the worst thing you could do was to be suspected of 'showing off' possessions or accomplishments - but your new house is an exception, clearly, judging by this thread.)

The OP seemed upset her friends were begrudging her her new house. I'm just suggesting maybe it's not what she thinks, and her friends were just embarrassed or taken aback by the fact of the 'house tour', not being hostile to her comfortable circumstances.

I am another one who thinks it normal to be shown around new houses- I saw a 4.8m one yesterday and a 300k one about six months ago. Just as excited for both of them.

We all do tours when we have moved or had work done.

Yep, normal here too, all my friends, from different walks of life , have asked to look round my house on a first visit.
You don't come across as smug or money orientated to me op.

No, Butterfingered, I don't think anyone gets excited about grouting But it's not difficult to come up with a heartfelt "Ooh, I love the tiles in the bathroom" or "That's a great size back garden". Do you honestly find this weird? To my mind, showing them your house is part of giving a genuine welcome to close friends or family - it's saying that you're comfortable enough with them to let them see the less 'public' parts of your home.

Van Dyck.

I'm genuinely interested in a friend's new house, and I'd want to see around. If they didn't offer I'd think they were quite gauche. (I don't actually have any friends that socially awkward tbh).

I don't quite understand why peolle can't grasp the difference between showing around and showing off.

It's a bit like not introducing members of your family.

It's not a British thing, I've lived all over the world.

Butterfingers, it's not showing off to show a friend your new home. You are coming from the assumption that everyone's home is better or bigger or more expensive than yours.

I would be just as happy to be shown around a friend's new 1 bed apartment or 5 bed detached house. If they are happy with their new home then I am happy for them.

Also, not everyone who posts here is from "this country" as you put it.

I moved in to my new house less than a year ago, and everyone has had/wanted a tour. I think it's really normal to show old friends your new home, but not at all normal to show new friends your old home!!

What LionelRitchie says:
Imagine making a judgement that some friends aren't "well off enough" to be shown around your new home, whilst others on a similar financial level are? That's utter nonsense.
I'd like to think my friends are able to accept me as me regardless of what I do or don't have. I think if anything, my surprise at their reaction shows I am less materialistic, as I don't see why houses, things and money should impact on a long standing friendship.

I do find it ironic that some of the most unpleasant replies have come from those preaching good manners on this thread

People just desperate to "have a go" at OP on this thread, as Doughnutsmademefat pointed out. On the basis of almost zero information or knowledge - they really don't know the OP or her friends!!! Have people nothing better to do with their lives?

I may be wide of the mark but it sounds like you almost apologised for doing so well and they decided to make you their 'victim' and indulge in a bit of bullying. Find new friends.

I may be wide of the mark but it sounds like you almost apologised for doing so well and they decided to make you their 'victim' and indulge in a bit of bullying. Find new friends.

I think it is a difficult balancing act. We live somewhere people may consider quite "posh" but I have never talked about my home to work colleagues and we earn a very average wage. The house came about simply through buying and doing up houses. We have run out of steam though as we have grown older and when we had it valued recently the estate agent mentioned "presentation". Not offended, it was true.

I think you were perhaps a little over enthusiastic in an awkward situation op, your own excitement perhaps overtaking sensitivities. Its not a criticism, after all why should you feel down beat about something you are happy about.

Some people are just waiting to be offended. At primary school runs, there are two mums the same age as me (ie older). If they ask me anything and I do not reply within the constraints of what they view as the right reply, I do catch the eye rolling. Not everyone is going to like you.
I think your friendship with these people is over op.

As single parent who who works full time with little financial or practical support from exh, I too would be offended if I was a friend of yours and been shown round your new house.

I earn above average salary but unfortunately I am stuck in the rental trap as I don't have enough to save for a deposit.

You told your friends you got your house through hard work but go on to say you work part time. This sort of comment can make others who work twice as hard as you feel quite upset as it suggests, if they don't have what you have, they don't work as hard as you. That's absolute bollocks.

You are lucky to be able to work part time and have a well paid husband to support you and your children.