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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing friends when life changes for the better!

186 replies

oxosmoothie · 07/01/2017 10:29

I come from very humble beginnings and found I made friends with people of similar backgrounds growing up. We had similar troubles: problematic parents, difficult relationships, lack of money etc etc.

I'm now in my 30s and am still friends with some of the people I became friends with in my late teens/early20s, when I was facing a lot of these struggles still.

Ive worked hard to alter my mental health for the better, been well educated, got myself a decent job, made a decent living and changed my life around for the better. I've married a good man, with a good job and we have enough money to live on the lower end of comfortably.

We have recently moved to a bigger house, a detached house, in a nice area with a nice garden, nothing huge, but nice and comfortable. I recently invited a small group of these friends to the new house and was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually. So I just made sure I told them how hard we've had to work for all we have. I've not been boastful I don't feel and I still go out with them and organise social events for us all.

However since inviting the 3 friends to my new house, I haven't heard from 2 of them, despite contacting them. There was also a recent night out which I wasnt invited to, I always include them all when I arrange anything. I feel a bit upset really. I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 17:15

It could be a class thing - one of those things that perhaps the lower middle classes do to show how they are going up in the world - think Hyacinth Bucket Grin

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 07/01/2017 17:28

OP true and genuine friends would be happy for you.
Okay maybe a little envious of the divide, that's human nature, but not jealous.
For what it's worth, over time I have seen all my friends houses, when new to them, from top to bottom and likewise they've seen mine.

It's not showing off - just a normal thing to me/us.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:02

It's really not always about jealousy.. Sometimes people are smug and superior about circumstances that arise through luck. It seems a bit odd that they are all jealous, far more likely that she expected them to ooh and aah and be impressed by how hard she has worked etc and the fact they all eye rolled kind of implies she has been like this for a while.

oxosmoothie · 07/01/2017 18:02

Never heard that saying Joys Mum! Will have to remember that one! So very true!

OP posts:
oxosmoothie · 07/01/2017 18:06

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:19

Accusing me of sock puppeting? Fuck off - I post under one name only.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:19

Is it such a shock that more than one person thinks you are smug Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:20

Although I'm flattered that you think I would bother sock puppeting over such a twattish issue Grin

PovertyPain · 07/01/2017 18:24

Wow, OP. The more you post the more I can understand why your friends have distanced themselves. 😮

Butterfly2017 · 07/01/2017 18:27

Oxosmoothie, congrats on your lovely new home.

Your old friends are no longer on your wavelength, it is what it is.

If you had shown me round your house, I would have been so happy for you but that's me...

It DID take hard work to get what you have,..and I didn't think your OP came across boastful at all. Some people just don't like to see people getting on in life.

You do you! :)

WinnieTheWilt · 07/01/2017 18:30

I had a friend a bit like this. We were invited to camp in her 'grounds' for her husband's 40th. The house itself was shut off apart from one room. A lot of the women had the same hairdo and as the evening wore on they asked the band to play 'House in the Country'. Apart from saying hello, my friend didn't speak to me all night, although her stuck up in laws made a few jokes about my tent. Next morning I packed up and moved down the round to a campsite. I haven't been able to feel the same about her since.

Joysmum · 07/01/2017 18:34

Is it such a shock that more than one person thinks you are smug

No it's not a shock that strangers are capable of projection and prefer to think badly and be goady of another stranger based on their own insecurities. Grin

Oxo font fall into the trap of taking the rantings of a stranger personally when they don't know you personally Wink

Joysmum · 07/01/2017 18:35

*dont

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:38

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YouHadMeAtCake · 07/01/2017 18:45

I don't actually think you sound smug at all OP. I have experience of this.Friend of many many years decided to ghost me.It has really upset me and I miss my friend terribly but I am not responsible for her feeling towards me or her jealousy. I had heard from my sister and my other friends that she had made comments etc.

GloriaGaynor · 07/01/2017 18:55

Tbh Drusilla you do sound a bit overly invested in this thread in a negative way.

OP you don't sound smug at all, of course I'd want to see round a friend's new house.

I totally understood what you meant when you said you worked for it. You meant that it hadn't been handed to you. That wouldn't have offended me at all. It wouldn't have offended me even if it had been handed to you!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 18:59

Not overinvested no - it's called a conversation or a debate.

I am however amused at the people jumping on the 'they are just jealous' bandwagon Grin

At least I have never accused someone of sock puppeting just because they have disagreed with me - otherwise I would have been bored with this thread a while ago Grin

GloriaGaynor · 07/01/2017 19:00

In your case it's neither conversation or debate, more of a harangue.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:02

Meh - plenty of people have agreed with me but feel free to have a dig Grin

Cel982 · 07/01/2017 19:02

I'd find it very strange to be invited to a close friend's new home and not be offered the Grand Tour, to be honest. And I'm talking about small terraced houses or three-bed semis generally, not palatial mansions. People who've bought a new home want to show it to their friends, there's nothing in the least bit 'smug' about that. (And I often do feel jealous as we're still stuck in a crappy rental and would say so openly, but it wouldn't make me anything but happy for them.)

I think you've had an unduly harsh time here, OP. Congratulations on your lovely new home Flowers

GloriaGaynor · 07/01/2017 19:04

It's not me doing the digging & namecalling...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:09

Oh I'm sorry I didn't know that it was not allowed to disagree with an OP. I do hope you will take it up with the other ones who disagreed too or are you just going to point the finger at me?

oxosmoothie · 07/01/2017 19:15

There's one thing disagreeing Drusilla and another being blatantly and persistently cruel, ridiculing and accusatory based on the small amount of information you've been given. As Gloria has pointed out, your over-investment in the thread plus your constant projections is quite telling of your own insecurities.

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 07/01/2017 19:16

I'd definitely want to see around your house op, all perfectly normal to do a quick tour when good friends pop round for the first time.

But, while I have a better lifestyle than you and therefore have nothing to feel jealous or insecure about, references to buying it through 'hard work' would irritate me too.

I have a friend like this. I am one of very few friends who still see her, although I know her comments are insensitive and thoughtless rather than mean iyswim.

I think you're a nice person op. Call your friends, arrange to meet somewhere neutral and never mention money again.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:16

Cruel? So you are prone to overreaction then... Grin

As I said upthread other people have disagreed - whilst I realise you think that it me going to the hassle of namechanging every time, I'm afraid it isn't.

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