Losing friends when life changes for the better!

[oxosmoothie]

I come from very humble beginnings and found I made friends with people of similar backgrounds growing up. We had similar troubles: problematic parents, difficult relationships, lack of money etc etc.

I'm now in my 30s and am still friends with some of the people I became friends with in my late teens/early20s, when I was facing a lot of these struggles still.

Ive worked hard to alter my mental health for the better, been well educated, got myself a decent job, made a decent living and changed my life around for the better. I've married a good man, with a good job and we have enough money to live on the lower end of comfortably.

We have recently moved to a bigger house, a detached house, in a nice area with a nice garden, nothing huge, but nice and comfortable. I recently invited a small group of these friends to the new house and was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually. So I just made sure I told them how hard we've had to work for all we have. I've not been boastful I don't feel and I still go out with them and organise social events for us all.

However since inviting the 3 friends to my new house, I haven't heard from 2 of them, despite contacting them. There was also a recent night out which I wasnt invited to, I always include them all when I arrange anything. I feel a bit upset really. I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life?

I think you are hung up on where you came from - you married a good man from a better background than you and have got yourself a better life .... maybe your friends are jealous or maybe they like their lives and are not ashamed of where they came from and don't feel the need to move out of it ....
You seem quite calculated.

I don't see anything wrong in showing friends around a house. I have always been happy to see a friend's house even when I was living in a house share, I see it as taking an interest in my friends lives. Same for families' houses. The thing in life is there will always be people doing better than you and you will be doing better than some people. As long as you weren't acting in a superior way then I don't think there is much you can do. Keep the door open and continue to be a supportive friend if they get back in touch. If they feel uncomfortable in your house, meet in a pub or their houses. I don't think you can win, if you stop seeking them out or decline their invites, they would say you are a snob who has abandoned her old friends.

I don't get the not showing fiends around your new house thing one bit. When I lived on my own, renting in my 20s, finding it difficult to save for a mortgage, I had friends at work who would show me around their lovely, mortgaged houses and I always felt happy for them.
Perhaps it's more of a mindset thing? Some people compare themselves to other and some just get on with their own thing?
Looking back at some of the more constructive comments, I can see why me saying we had worked hard may have offended people. But that was more a mistake of words on my part than an intention to upset my friends. I don't see how people can judge otherwise given the small amount of information I've given and how little people know me?
I can see by the barage of negative comments from some posters that I've clearly offended some people with my wording. I think it shows that due to out own strengths and insecurities, we all take things in completely different ways.
Thanks to those who have set out to be helpful and constructive rather than plain nasty like other posters.

I think you sound smug!

I don't think they are jealous either, probably irritated.

I don't think these friends are the types to say these things therefore they've distanced themselves from you. You've probably not got much in common with them.

...and maybe that's not the only thing that's annoyed them (without you realising).

Other than asking where the toilet is, I have never been 'shown round' a house - but then my friends aren't that smug

Tbh OP, even some of your responses on here have been somewhat patronising...

Putting it like that, it makes sense Baking addict. You sound much better off than me affording all of those holidays each year!

Piece of Purple: I am certainly not indicating that you don't work hard. You work much much harder than me as a single mum!

I think there is a strong chance that you're actually coming across as smug and a bit supercilious to them, regardless of your intention.

I've never been shown around a house either. Unless I've asked.

I don't get the not showing fiends around your new house thing one bit. When I lived on my own, renting in my 20s, finding it difficult to save for a mortgage, I had friends at work who would show me around their lovely, mortgaged houses and I always felt happy for them.Perhaps it's more of a mindset thing? Some people compare themselves to other and some just get on with their own thing?

No, I don't think it's in the least a mindset thing. I think it may, in this country, be a social class thing. I'm not from the UK originally, and I would find it deeply weird to be invited to a friend's new house and shown around the house. Housewarmings are normal enough, imo, where you might casually say the place looks nice if you've not been there before, but I can't imagine being shown around someone's utility room or invited to admire the bath - I would find it pretty crass, and wonder what kind of reaction was expected. I mean, no one is that interested in anyone else's house, are they?

(The only neighbours who seemed terribly interested when we bought our current house turned out to be amused by the fact that we'd ripped out the previous inhabitants' ghastly luxury kitchen and repainted everything, because they'd been friends of theirs... )

And I'm also from the absolute bottom on the working class, but by a combination of hard word, stubborness and luck, working in a v middle-class profession.

X-post with Livia and SheFeeds - yes, I've come across references to being shown around people's houses on Mn, but I have never in my life being shown around anyone's house, unless by an estate agent!

Is it a class thing?

BEEN shown around, sorry.

I dont personally think you've come across as boastful. If your friends aren't happy for you then that's their problem. I wouldn't want chums like that!

Proud owners have invited me to their new homes for a nosey, that's what you do isn't it?! Wander around looking interested, oohing and ahhing in the right places etc.

It sounds like things haven't come easy to you in life, youve done well, and you're naturally proud. I'd never be jealous of others achievements. The green eyed monster is not a nice trait.

I don't think you come across smug at all OP, what you have here I think is a classic case of invert snobbery/green eyed monster and it's common.

Proud owners have invited me to their new homes for a nosey, that's what you do isn't it?! Wander around looking interested, oohing and ahhing in the right places etc.

Errr no - it's a tad wanky tbh. It screams 'look at my fabulous home and isn't it perfect and aren't I good for having worked so hard'. I would dump a friend that did this because I don't like pretentious twats

I don't think you're smug at all!

I absolutely get why you invited them round, I'd be the same, as I'd also be itching to see a friends new house. Have been shown round pretty much most of my friends houses at one point or another!

The 'done well for yourself' could very well have been a dig at you, and your reply was instinctive and yes YOU worked hard to get your life better, meeting your dh further enhanced it, but it's not like he plucked you for the gutter

As is plentiful on this thread, there are countless sad and jealous people who don't get pleasure from seeing others happy

If your friends aren't there for you when life is good, then they are happier seeing you down. I had family like that, never happy unless I was unhappy. Agreed that's more extreme than your situation, but you genuinely don't need sad bitter people in your life, you need people happy for you.

You've outgrown them, they're bitter.

My boyf earns 20x what I earn, when we move in together, i dare say things may change between some aquaintances and I. True friends will be happy for me, as I would be for them.

I think the nice thing to do (with friends) is to ask for the tour and then congratulate them on their beautiful home/taste.

You see, that would genuinely never even occur to me as a normal, or even a polite thing to do. But then I am fairly certain that none of my friends have invited me in the hope that I would be congratulating them on their beautiful home, or admiring their splashback or stair runners....

Is it an English expectation?

It's totally normal in my world to show/ be shown round a house you're proud of. You've gotten a hard time here op. Your pride in your home has not been received well for whatever reason. Some people love to think people are up themselves. Maybe it's that or maybe you came across smug. Let it settle, never mention money or houses again in their company. This is a good rule of thumb, especially when people have less than you.

I have to laugh when anyone who doesn't like smugness is called 'jealous'. Seriously, someone offering to give me a tour of their house is generally going to be a smug twat.

Also a bit about people 'itching' to see someone's new house - why? I wonder if those are the same people who look into people's windows when they don't close their curtains

No it's not an English expectation. In fact generally the English think it's a tad crass to talk about money!

I didn't really think it was an English thing - I do have English friends, and I've never been shown around someone's new house or renovations.

Yet I've certainly seen some references on Mn to an expectation that people invite people over specifically to show them their renovated/redecorated/ new house or flat, and some people on this thread also seem to think this is a normal thing to do.

That's why I was wondering whether it was a class-specific thing?

Sorry, OP, I'm derailing.

I think how people react to you shows as much ch about them as it does about you.

I too came from very humble beginnings. My parents were the first to buy their own house and I was the first to go through university which me and DH funded when I was a mature student. I shan't state more about our current setup because somebody with their own issues would seem that a stealth boast!

People project things on to you that they want to.

There was never a truer saying than "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions".

Yes I think if those friends were very satisfied with the things you are satisfied with then I think it wouldn't be an issue but if not it will be seen as bragging.