Losing friends when life changes for the better!

[oxosmoothie]

I come from very humble beginnings and found I made friends with people of similar backgrounds growing up. We had similar troubles: problematic parents, difficult relationships, lack of money etc etc.

I'm now in my 30s and am still friends with some of the people I became friends with in my late teens/early20s, when I was facing a lot of these struggles still.

Ive worked hard to alter my mental health for the better, been well educated, got myself a decent job, made a decent living and changed my life around for the better. I've married a good man, with a good job and we have enough money to live on the lower end of comfortably.

We have recently moved to a bigger house, a detached house, in a nice area with a nice garden, nothing huge, but nice and comfortable. I recently invited a small group of these friends to the new house and was so excited to show them around. However the reaction I got felt a little flat they almost seemed annoyed and not happy for me at all, i sensed a bit of eye rolling actually. So I just made sure I told them how hard we've had to work for all we have. I've not been boastful I don't feel and I still go out with them and organise social events for us all.

However since inviting the 3 friends to my new house, I haven't heard from 2 of them, despite contacting them. There was also a recent night out which I wasnt invited to, I always include them all when I arrange anything. I feel a bit upset really. I'm still the same person, just worked hard and done ok for myself, but I can't help but sense their annoyance or jealously I guess. Which I do understand, I know a couple of them really struggle to get by. I just thought they may be happy for me? Is that too much to ask though? How can I change the way I relate to them so that they can continue to like me and we can continue to be friends, despite us having a different quality of life?

And I have never been shown round someone's house in my life either

All my friends helped us to move onto this house so no showing round was necessary.
I would never dream of defining myself as successful and worse, telling my friends how they could be just like me.
For starters, they probably do not want my life. They know how little free time I have and have made different choices. Can't really say that mine are better just because our household has more.
Secondly, I am fit, healthy and educated. All the luck of the draw. Some of my friends have chronic illness, one of them is a full time carer. I think they work much harder than me just to live.
Money is nice but it isn't everything.

And you clearly perceive your life as something to aspire to - not everyone does. It comes across as smug and judging others

I've never invited people over to show them a house. I invite people over for dinner or lunch when we've moved but only one or two have asked if they could look around. Showing around is a form of showing off.

You haven't done anything wrong in asking your long time friends to see your new home. If they've taken umbrage, it could be that they've misunderstood you?

I'd say, try to relax about it and don't fret. If you want to remain friends with them, keep in touch and don't mention your house and how hard you work in order to justify your lifestyle to them. Enjoy what you and your DH have achieved, but don't expect everyone else in your life to feel the same way as you do about it. You sometimes have to tread carefully, even with the people you think you know well.

Hope all continues to go well for you.

I don't think you sound smug OP. Some people are better at being there when times are bad than when things go well.

In hindsight I'd probably invite people round rather than give the grand tour but that's done. When you do go out with them again, when they're over it I'd just not mention your house or anything you're doing to it.

There will always be people out there who make comments like; you only have what you have because X and Y (usually marriage). Ignore these people they sound resentful. A true friend, no matter how rubbish life has been for them, will always be happy for you. If their lie changed around you would be happy for them.

I hate this nasty notion that a if a woman is married and in a nice home it must only be "because she met dh." Of course 2 salaries/one very good salary (dh) is always going to be better and helpful, but we all know how mothers often juggle kids with jobs and all the rest. So this attitude that she is lady muck in a big house on dhs hard work is such a bitchy, old fashioned attitude to have.

Op, enjoy your house, don't look down on anyone, enjoy the life you have and spend it around people who are happy for you.

The working hard thing is tricky it implies others don't work hard and that there is shame in being lucky. Personally if people ever comment on my home or life in the way your friend did I just say "I feel very fortunate" whether it's hard work or luck it is fortunate to be in a comfortable life position.

I don't think OP meant it in that way. I was at a party at MIL friends house and somebody was making digs at the lady's wealth and lifestyle. She responded saying her life wasn't all parties that it was pretty much bed to work as a corporate lawyer working to 1am most nights. People say about hard work as a deflective comment in order to show that their life isn't as easy as people think, that it comes with its own unique problems and sacrifices when they see other people judging them for having a lot

I think when you move into a substantially bigger house than your friends, the normal rules don't apply and you have to be really careful to make sure you don't alienate people. The house you buy is only partly down to how much work you put in; a bigger slice is down to how much you get paid for that work, and a lot is down to luck and circumstance. The concept of the deserving rich and the undeserving poor is understandably going to irritate the hell out of people. Also, never forget you can lose just as much as you acheive.

So while it's normal and usual to send friends links to the new house you're thinking of buying, or to invite them round to show them your new place, it's only going to be a diplomatic thing to do if you're buying something that's a relative improvement on what you had, or is comparable somehow to what they have. If you suddenly have something substantially bigger than your friends, then a bit of discretion can prevent some hurt feelings, and stop people perceiving that you're just boasting or being smug.

In any case, no matter how tactful you try to be some people will always find it hard to feel happy for someone else's good fortune. You can't help that, but what you can help is not inadvertently rubbing your friends' noses in it, or mistakenly implying that they could have all this too if only they had worked as hard as you did.

I ve had this.

In fact i went from 3 great friends who i saw a lot of to none at all within 6 months of meeting dh.

Before i met dh and i had these 3 friends we were all very similar. We all worked in minimum wage jobs, had no children and no partners. Two of us lived with our parents, one in a flat but we all struggled finanially in our minimum wage, unsociable hour jobs. (Not the same jobs as each other)

Then i met dh. He is a very high earner. I quit my crap job after 4 months of meeting him and moved in with him and started helping him with his business so i gained a wage from there.

Thats when things started going wrong. I still saw them the same as i had always done but they stopped returning calls etc. I then fell pregnant and they cut contact with me all together. I never ever got a reason why and i never saw them again.

Im still with dh but i do still feel very sad that they just dropped me like that. I never once discussed money with them.

It would have put me right off, the 'I worked hard'.

Who doesn't? It's grating. Most people work hard, but doesn't mean life still isn't hard. I would go so far as to say some of the hardest, slogging people out there are the most poorly compensated.

It's quite simple. You never, ever discuss money. You do not show off about houses, cars or holidays. You do not brag about the privileges your DC have. You STFU and check your privilege.

If it's a whole group eye rolling and avoiding you, it really isn't them - it's you

And what KatieScarlett said ⬆️⬆️

They are just jealous. It's not a nice feeling and they probably aren't very proud of feeling the way they do. You = make them feel shit by comparison. So it's easier to let the friendship lapse and be around people who make them feel good about themselves.

It's not exactly your fault, however the showing them around your new house thing was showing off even if you didn't intend it to be.

The only correct response to 'you've done alright for yourself haven't you' is 'I know, I've been very lucky'.

Inviting everyone to your new house is normal, showing them around if they show any interest is normal, but 'making sure to tell them it came from hard work' is very smug. To them it sounded like 'if you worked hard you could have this too'.

Your situation does not sound so remarkable as to have induced uncontrollable jealousy, and the fact that you think they are jealous says a lot about you.

If you want these friendships to last, never mention money or hard work again.

I think that's a bit harsh Katie of course if your friends with people you inevitably discuss money while it mightn't be directly how much you earn things like where your planning to go on holiday or what new things your're buying do crop up in conversation and this can indicate the amount of disposable income someone has. I think OP and her friends have moved apart and she needs to evaluate the friendship. If you can't talk openly and honestly with friends or are so on tenterhooks about upsetting them then perhaps the friendship should be layed to rest

All of them are jealous? Perhaps they don't want to be reminded that they haven't 'worked hard' enough to get all this....

Most people won't cut ties purely because someone has more than them. If that someone is smug about it they will

No I don't speak about money to my friends - it's crass.

The 'marrying a good man with a good job' has no doubt helped your financial 'luck' no end. There are plenty of people working very very very hard each day and just about making ends meet, so working hard does not necessarily equate to living a comfortable life in afraid.

I do not discuss money with anyone except DH. No one has ever asked me either (except the bank ).

If they were good friends they would just be happy for you .

My best friend and I grew up in similar circumstances , single parent family , tight budgets etc..

She was as chuffed for me when I took her on a tour of my council house as I was for her when I first went to her 4 bed (almost paid for)detached on the best side of town.

She knew my struggle to settle when I had crap tenancies and landlords , so was thrilled I felt secure ...I knew how had she hard worked (2hr commute plus uni on top of 60hrs a week for 4 years) and was equally as thrilled to see the fruits of her labour .

But then I'm happy with my lot , maybe op's friends are not so much

OP, I think this is sad but unfortunately quite common.

My DC go to a state school with a wide intake in terms of socio economic background. Some wealthy families who could easily afford private school send their kids there (because it's an outstanding primary), and there are also kids whose parents are on benefits.

I have found that the single biggest factor that determines friendships between the parents is money. I honestly believe this isn't only due to snobbishness. It's just easier and less awkward to socialise together if you have a similar size house, similar budget for holidays etc.

If I were you, OP, I'd avoid inviting these friends to your house and meet at a pub instead.

One thing you might want to ask yourself is why you needed your friends to come over, swallow any envy or insecurity they might have felt at comparing their circumstances to yours, and be nothing but happy for you?

There is nothing wrong with being proud of what you have achieved with your hard work and celebrating that. You have clearly worked your butt off, and it is wonderful to see positive outcomes from all your hard work.

However not everyone gets the same positive outcomes, no matter how hard they work. Are all of your friends able to do the work on their mental health you did? Have they had similar opportunities for good jobs? Have they got families and partners who are supportive and financially stable?

There is this idea that hard work automatically equals a pay off, across many levels, and if it doesn't? Then you didn't work hard enough. When you emphasised how hard you had worked, I understand you were doing so so it didn't seem like you had randomly won the lottery, but to them it quite probably came off as implying they haven't worked as hard as you.

The other thing it might be worth looking at are your own ideas about 'deserving' what you have. Are there any parts of you that fear going back to your roots? That feels in some way you don't deserve the upturn in your life? Is this why you wanted your friends to come and see how you have done and celebrate with you?

It is true that you will always encounter people who are envious of whoever they perceive to have 'more'. Some people are even jealous to the point of actively wishing failure and bad things on those who they think have more somehow. It all comes down to this idea of who 'deserves' what. Is there any part of you that feels like perhaps they, too, could have had what you have if they had made similar choices? Do you judge them at all, deep down? Because they will have picked up on that.

The best friends I have are one' where we can talk about this stuff openly. Where we can be happy for each other but also talk about areas of our life where we feel insecure or maybe envious of what the others have. Then we work on supporting each other to get to those different areas.