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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me respond (or not) to this message

234 replies

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife · 06/01/2017 21:01

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

OP posts:
Whattocallbabyboy · 07/01/2017 00:00

Why block her?

Bexta147 · 07/01/2017 00:03

I would not have blocked her. I know if it was me that had sent the message and you had wrote back and then blocked me immediately I would be thinking that you knew all along that there was an overlap.

Scrumptiousbears · 07/01/2017 00:05

Yeah I wouldn't block her but I would befriend her I think. Although I'd want to know her reply if there was one.

glitterazi · 07/01/2017 00:06

Not read all the replies. Although why would she be contacting you and chasing dates if there was no reason to do so?
I'd like to think I'd keep well out of that one.
As an aside, I hate the "seen" side of FB messaging that has emerged lately. Makes you feel you have to reply as the sender knows you've seen their message the minute you read it!
Maybe I don't want to reply straight away or have nothing to say?!

TheObserverOne · 07/01/2017 00:07

I think you should unblock her in case you have jumped to a conclusion, this may have nothing to do with him being unfaithful. It could be any number of things, as BadGrandma pointed out...

PollytheDolly · 07/01/2017 00:08

Tell her

FeralBeryl · 07/01/2017 00:14

I think you did the right thing.
You certainly don't owe him any favours-but as others have said, she must have been feeling shitty about something to have to send it.
I'd also unblock her, if it is what you think - 'Dave' will now just write you off as a shit stirrer who has caused a problem with the truth and legged it.
Oh and I don't think it would be an awful thing to mention it in passing to your mum btw, if there does turn out to be trouble in Dave and Mrs Messages marriage then it's likely his mum would mention it to a close friend.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 00:19

I think you did the right thing as well.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 00:20

I would not have blocked her. I know if it was me that had sent the message and you had wrote back and then blocked me immediately I would be thinking that you knew all along that there was an overlap.

^^^^^^ This

choli · 07/01/2017 00:26

*A college friend was asked a similar question a few years ago. She answered truthfully.

It became very unpleasant afterwards as the woman subjected her to a litany of bullying and abuse. Some will always find it easier to blame the other woman no matter what.*
Yes, it happened to a friend of mine too, which is why I think the OP should tell her husband about the message now, and show it to him, in case a shit storm begins.
Dave's wife could be genuine, or she could be looking for a way to stir up drama and get attention.

Tywinlannister · 07/01/2017 00:35

I'd have told the truth too. I think you did the right thing there. If she does come back with some shit, point out that he wasn't faithful to you either and technically she is the other woman too. Dave is the guilty one here!

On a personal protection level, I'd make sure that your public profile shows no work/children's school details on it though. Even groups you might be in for exercise or clubs etc will give her info. If she is intent on causing you some trouble, blocking her will solve nothing as there's always a way of finding things out.

MrsMcMoo · 07/01/2017 00:37

Tell her the truth

joystir59 · 07/01/2017 00:37

I would ignore her, unfriend her and make sure she is blocked from seeing your posts and photos OP. Why open this can of worms which is nothing to do with you? She is fishing for information on her partner's past- which has nothing to do with you.

stiffstink · 07/01/2017 00:44

By blocking me, I would 100%think you were colluding with him.

Imscarlet · 07/01/2017 00:46

If it were me, I think I would have responded something along the lines of 'Gosh, blast from the past, um, a LONG time ago. Ask Dave, he might have a better memory than I do.' That would leave it open to her to make a response to you such as voicing her concerns that it may have overlapped and you would see what angle she was coming from. At that point I think I would have excused myself from the conversation. Because the reality of it it is, whether she stated she wasn't or not, it IS strange behaviour to send a message like that. There are boundaries there that she has overstepped - imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and your DH got a message from this guy? You would consider it rather peculiar. It's a situation you would want to be well out of.

However, seeing as you have responded, I do think you have to follow through somewhat and allow her to respond.

Tywinlannister · 07/01/2017 00:53

She is fishing for information on her partner's past- which has nothing to do with you.

But it has everything to do with OP. She is the very past that Dave has seemingly been lying about.

Let's remember that OP isn't acting maliciously by responding with the truth here. Dave is the cheat.

lottieandmia · 07/01/2017 07:59

I've contacted women before to find out the truth. One of them was someone my dp worked with. I found that he was trying to ring her in the middle of the night and sent her texts saying he missed her. She was married and replied that she had no interest in him and not to worry. I think she was telling the truth as the persuit did appear to be all from his side. Although that was a problem in itself. Another woman (same dp!) I asked about her experiences of him as a partner - she replied that they had never even been in a relationship but that he'd proved to be a rather horrible friend! And had abandoned her with her luggage because she didn't want to be with him (nice)

I wasn't trying to start any drama with either of these women I just wanted to know the truth and felt they were in a position to help me.

prettywhiteguitar · 07/01/2017 08:09

I think you did the right thing by replying but why block her immediately?

WipsGlitter · 07/01/2017 09:06

I agree - why block her?

rainbowstardrops · 07/01/2017 09:17

I'm glad you were honest with her but I'm also baffled why you've blocked her.

Ellisandra · 07/01/2017 09:32

Definitely the right thing to tell her.

I do think that when replying, posters should add a footnote as to whether they have ever been in the position of trying to work out if their partner has cheated on them.

As you can guess, I have.

OP has responded now, but I would have said preferably state the facts, or if you choose not to get involved then ignore. Never send vague hints or vague cover ups - will send the woman mad having a half answer - better nothing at all.

eternalopt · 07/01/2017 10:22

Yeah. Think you need to unblock her for her to get the message. Think there is a "blocked" list you can find her on to do this

showmetheminstrels · 07/01/2017 10:35

I think you did the right thing replying as you did but I think it was a bit mean to block her. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Original poster
TellMeHowToLiveMyLife · 07/01/2017 12:07

I unblocked her after I'd seen she might not have been able to read my message. I can see she's read my message so now blocked her again. If she thinks that means I was colluding with Dave re any cross over then so be it. Not my circus and all that. I'll probably mention it to dm as Dave's dm is lovely and will hopefully be able to help in se way (wish she was my mil but that's a whole other thread!)

Thanks everyone for your advice. I didnt want to cause upset but realise telling her the truth was really my only option.

There's also no need for anyone to be concerned with my sexual health as I never had unprotected sex with Dave and was tested before doing so with dh.

OP posts:
Honeypot1 · 07/01/2017 12:53

Really good point Biscuit. Op, what are you going to do?