Help me respond (or not) to this message

[TellMeHowToLiveMyLife]

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

Never accept a friend request from someone you don't know!

So, go back in time then? what a helpful thread!

She has obviously realised that he wasn't single when she got with him and he is possibly being unfaithful again. I think you should be honest with her. Why cover for him! He's probably lied to her and you covering it up will make him feel vindicated and make her feel like an idiot.

He's probably lied to her

He also probably lied to the OP! Not that that matters to the OP now, but surely it means that he's not worth lying for? (and lying doesn't just mean outright lying and making up a fake date, "oh I can't remember" is lying too!)

The simple truth, nothing more.

Tell her the truth and ask her why she wants to know. You have nothing to hide, you've done nothing wrong. It seems like she is already onto the fact there was a crossover , it must have taken some nerve to ask you, it would be cruel to ignore her or lie. I would also want to know if I'd been cheated on by Dave!

Bet you're regretting accepting her as a friend now! I think you're screwed whatever you reply. I think if you don't reply honestly then it might be the type of thing that you think about a lot in the future. Well I would anyway. I think you should either tell her the truth or go with the 'can't remember, it was so long ago ask Dave' type response.

Just say well I have been married for 8 years so some time before that. Hth. You must add that its an odd question to ask

If you really have to respond as I am losing the argument with this one. I would tell her you have been with your husband for 8 years and it was some time before that. Try not to get pally with her delete her friend request I hope didn't accept because that would be weird. Good Luck Op in what ever you decide to do.

@TellMeHowToLiveMyLife we've lost you in all this madness! Come back & restore peace

as I am losing the argument with this one

Is this a sport? You know this is the relationships board not a competitive arena?

Agree with tiej
"The simple truth, nothing more."

You don't need to draw any conclusions for her or offer any comment, IMHO.

10 years of fun sounds a bit vague, and could well mean that she's dating it from when they were friends.

Just tell her the truth, she's a grown woman, you don't need to baby her or think of her children. She can do that for herself. OR tell her you're not comfortable answering her question, unfriend and block. But don't lie.

Just reply with the truth, it's cruel to ignore her

Right. I've messaged her saying we were in a relationship until about 9 years ago and were seeing each other on and off until 8 years ago. I have now blocked her. I really hope my message hasnt caused her any upset but I would hate someone to lie toel me in similar circumstances.

My dm is best friends with Dave's dm and we do have a fair few mutual friends from school. As neither of us still live in our home town there's very little chance of us bumping into each other.

My first thought was to ignore. But I can't imagine what kind of place she is in to send that message and in the first place. She must be feeling desperate and I think I'd have to give her the answer she is looking for, even if it's not the answer she might want. Be honest.

Well done op! Although will she receive the message if you blocked her straight away? I'm not sure how all that works.. so might be wrong!

I would tell her the truth too. I couldn't knowingly let her dwell on whatever suspicions she has. That shit just eats you up and destroys you. I imagine she feels like you're her last hope at finding out the truth. If she felt like she could get an honest answer out of him then I recon she would be asking him instead of you.

I've been in a similar position and the desperation for answers isn't nice.

Sorry X-post. I'm glad you've told her.

Right. I've messaged her saying we were in a relationship until about 9 years ago and were seeing each other on and off until 8 years ago. I have now blocked her. I really hope my message hasnt caused her any upset but I would hate someone to lie toel me in similar circumstances

not knowing is usually the part that hurts/upsets the most
Once you know, it is upsetting, but you can at least move forward one way or another xx

Ooh I hadnt considered her not being able to see the message if I blocked her. Is that likely?

FWIW I dont normally accept friend requests from strangers but as we had so many mutual friends and half recognised her name I just wanted to have a look at her pics, see if I could work out who she was and thrn block if I couldnt.

Are you going to tell your mum about what happened. You left that bit out that your mum and his mum are best friends. I would have got on the phone to my mum first and asked her about it. She could have told what was going on and what you should do.

Never accept a friend request from someone you don't know!

Yeah because God forbid you might actually be able to help someone resolve something they're probably agonising over

And good for you for not lying OP.

You can still see past conversations if someone's blocked you, at least on the Messenger app I can.

My God.

Years and years of women posting on here, devastated because they suspect their OHs are cheating.

Lots of times told that they should get proof so he can't worm his way out of it.

Then a poster comes on, and has the opportunity to be honest with a woman who was clearly cheated on and the suggestions have ranged from trying to get gossip on her life to basically taking the piss out of her.

That's really nice, isn't it? Ridicule her because her marriage being based on a lie is just hilarious!

I'm glad you told her, OP, but I don't think you should have blocked her straight away. You don't have to have any more involvement in their car crash but what if she can't see it??