Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me respond (or not) to this message

234 replies

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife · 06/01/2017 21:01

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

OP posts:
chipsandchilli · 06/01/2017 23:17

i would unblock now, she might not even notice then at least you can see she has got the message and read it instead of worrying about it. If she responds being negative just say speak to Dave about it, i don't want to get involved, we were in a relationship from x-x, we broke up x and seen each other casually until i met my DH and moved on from Dave, as far as i knew he was single whilst we were together. If he has lied to you this is something you will need to discuss with him, then block

chipsandchilli · 06/01/2017 23:18

just say you meant to delete the message and realised you had blocked her and were working out how to unblock as your not FB savy.

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:18

They have children I doubt they are full of diseases.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 06/01/2017 23:19

I wouldn't have blocked her.

Honestly, some of you have the compassion of rocks.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 23:19

They have children I doubt they are full of diseases.

Were you born yesterday HorridHenryrule?!!

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:22

BadGrandma Fri 06-Jan-17 23:14:08
Slightly different take - I could be overthinking this, but here goes:
Suppose she comes back and says "you stopped seeing him 9 years ago? Phew, that means you weren't at risk of having caught from him"

Sorry Daisyfrumps I was posting to BadGrandma.

DearMrDilkington · 06/01/2017 23:23

BadGrandma I wondered that too.

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:23

She should warn her mother in case anything gets back to her door step.

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:25

She might feel threatened that the Op's mum and his mum are best friends.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 23:26

HorridHenry - I know you were talking to BadGrandma. I thought you were being ignorant.

And what's her mother got to do with anything?

Are you quite alright HorridHenry?

neveradullmoment99 · 06/01/2017 23:29

Its a very odd questions to ask. I'd ignore it. Who cares what she thinks?

This^ Ignore, block, move on. She sounds like a bloody weirdo.

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 23:29

She should warn her mother in case anything gets back to her door step

You're full of good suggestions tonight aren't you? No she shouldn't, because that really would be stirring the shit. Why put the mum in an awkward position? She has answered the message honestly and she does not need to do anything further.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 23:30

Ah I get the mother reference now HorridHenry - apologies.

However I don't understand why you feel Dave is disease-free because he has children?

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 23:31

This^ Ignore, block, move on. She sounds like a bloody weirdo

neveradullmoment but plenty of bitchy, nasty moments it seems....

GimmeeMoore · 06/01/2017 23:34

Enough already.you don't know this woman.you have no reason to discuss timelines With her
So don't pretend about doing right thing,or setting her straight it's not your responsibility
I think it a bit mawkish that you're considering any dialogue with her.close this down

BlueFolly · 06/01/2017 23:36

I think you did the right thing. Why wouldn't you just be honest in this situation?

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 23:41

Place marking to see what happens

WicksEnd · 06/01/2017 23:44

I'd reply with:
'What d'ya mean you're married to Dave? I'm married to Dave and have been for 10 years!'

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:44

Would it make you feel better if I didn't post because according to you I am ignorant. I shouldn't share my experience or opinion. She don't have to follow it. His mum and her mum are close that's why and it could get back to her. I'm sure her mum has seen Dave and his wife and what if she says some thing to her mother. I'm giving advice that's all she done the right thing by telling her. She cant just sit back and forget about it they all know each other.

WannaBe · 06/01/2017 23:45

What a lot of projection on this thread. She's tormented/anxious/will be awaiting a response/has asked for a reason - how on earth do people know that? What if she's one of those types who goes through her Partner's every contact and demands to know when they were in his life and whether he shagged them, even if he didn't.

Ten years of fun doesn't necessarily mean shagging, they might have spent time drinking/partying and got together somewhere in the midst. They certainly weren't married while OP was with him, and if she came on to the scene while he was with the OP then she was in fact the OW.

I seriously wouldn't get involved in something which happened ten years ago which you were likely not even a part of.

I would unfriend and then forget about her. You owe her nothing.

AddToBasket · 06/01/2017 23:46

I would not have responded.

My experience is that no good comes of being drawn into other people's drama. Plus, there's always a bit of residual camaraderie with my exes (I'm lucky on this, I don't have exes I hate) so I wouldn't want to be involved in their marriage issues if at all possible.

But, yes, I would never have accepted the friend requesting the first place!

user1481838270 · 06/01/2017 23:47

A college friend was asked a similar question a few years ago. She answered truthfully.

It became very unpleasant afterwards as the woman subjected her to a litany of bullying and abuse. Some will always find it easier to blame the other woman no matter what.

pieceofpurplesky · 06/01/2017 23:49

I would unblock
Because I would want to know more. But then I am a nosey bugger!

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 23:51

USER I can relate to that I remember getting beaten up when I told the truth. The amount of shit that came to my family's door I had to call the police it was getting that bad. He's a saint and I'm a slag. Oh well.

HelenaGWells · 06/01/2017 23:57

I would just say you know I can't remember exactly it was so long ago. It was around X year. If he's a cheating asshole that's hardly your fault. If she harasses you just block.

Swipe left for the next trending thread