Help me respond (or not) to this message

[TellMeHowToLiveMyLife]

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

I think you've done the best thing.

It's also worth baring in mind that she may well have known he was with you when she first got together with him - she is just questioning when he ended it with you completely. If you were definately (and openly) together until 9 years ago and they've been together for 10, it could be she was the OW that you didn't know about, but she's just realised it carried on for longer than she thought.

I'm glad you've replied. You haven't done anything wrong and if Dave has then it's not your fault that she knows about it, he shouldn't have done it in the first place. The argument to not get involved because there are children in the equation would be valid if you were asking if you should start shagging him, but you're not. If there was an overlap, that doesn't cease to be the case because he now has children.

I'm so pleased you replied, and told her the truth. Although different, many times I wanted to message the women my exh was cheating with but chickened out.
For whatever reason she asked you, I'm pleased she has an answer

She should get the message if she still has her as a friend. I would call your mum and tell her what has happened. What a shitty position to put you in. If you are removed from her friend list then you will have to do it again. Friend her and then send it and then delete her after a day or 2.

MadMags - I agree with your entire post.

OP - if you blocked her before the message was delivered to her device then I don't think she'll get it.

Although will she receive the message if you blocked her straight away?

No. She won't receive the message if you've blocked her. It won't show in her messages. You'll have to unblock her until it shows she's read the message.

HorridHenry - if you block someone on fb they are automatically removed from your friend list

Friend her and then send it and then delete her after a day or 2

You can send messages to non-friends.

Yes, but it could be filtered and she wouldn't see it.

You can still see messages if the persons blocked you. It just shows from 'Facebook user' My exs new partner did this to me. Would message me then block me so I couldn't reply and couldn't block her to stop future messages - bloody psycho that she is

Tell her.

Show her some compassion - she's obviously tormented by it & it doesn't hurt you in anyway.

I suspect the woman is very anxiously awaiting OP's response, so is unlikely to miss it, even if it's in another folder.

If this FB 'friend' is saying she has been with her husband for 10 years, surely it's the OP that's been cheated on for a year?

I wouldn't have blocked her.

Ah that's good Red. Also found this:

If someone shows as "facebook user" it just means that person deleted or deactivated their account, so they are no longer on Facebook, their posts are all gone, all that exists is what you have in your messages. If someone blocked you, their name and profile would still be there, just you would not be able to respond.

I'm glad you told her the truth, she was obviously asking for a reason. I just don't get why you blocked her though? You wouldn't have known about any overlap if you hadn't looked through her FB.

Ooh I hadnt considered her not being able to see the message if I blocked her. Is that likely?

Yes, she'll still receive the message, but it'll come from "Facebook User" and no profile pic associated.

What I don't know is whether your message thread will remain in her usual message inbox, or be relegated to whatever they call the "other messages" folder now...i.e. more likely to be missed?

Me neither WellErrr. It'd make me feel properly shit about myself and as if I'd been a nuisance / seen to be harassing.

OP, tell your husband about the message, just in case Dave's wife begins to stalk or harass you for being the "other woman".

Tell her the truth, it's the right thing to do. I'm quite sure she's already asked Dave and he's lied to her otherwise why would she go to the trouble of messaging you to find out? The poor woman probably already knows that her DH is lying to her and she just wants some proof that he's cheated through most of their relationship.

Op, be thankful that you didn't marry this man!

The Op done the right thing now so she owes her nothing more. It would be weird to continue a facebook friendship, its not real. Its up to her what she does with the information and whether she wants to stay with her husband. She don't need no more information from the Op she got what she wanted.

Daisyfrumps: If someone shows as "facebook user" it just means that person deleted or deactivated their account, so they are no longer on Facebook, their posts are all gone, all that exists is what you have in your messages. If someone blocked you, their name and profile would still be there, just you would not be able to respond.

Not in my experience. I blocked someone who was annoying me via FB messages, and as soon as I did, I could still see their string of messages, but not their name/pic - just "facebook user".

They then apologised in person so I unblocked.

At no point had they deleted or deactivated, and yet it definitely didn't say their name while they were blocked.

Slightly different take - I could be overthinking this, but here goes:
Suppose she comes back and says "you stopped seeing him 9 years ago? Phew, that means you weren't at risk of having caught from him"
or
"You were still seeing him 8 years ago. Right, this is hard to say but you might want to be tested for "

Just a thought...

Well, you could say "Oh! Soyou're the other woman."

Or claim you can't remember, or have no idea you and he were always pissed, or tell the truth. Or act indignant that she's friended you dishonestly and then defriend her pointedly.

I'd have told her too. I think you did the right thing. I'd have possibly not deleted her right away though, but on the whole I think you did the right thing.