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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me respond (or not) to this message

234 replies

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife · 06/01/2017 21:01

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

OP posts:
BlueClearSkies · 06/01/2017 22:08

I would answer saying I don't think it's my place to get involved and she should talk to her DH if she has questions about his past relationships

This is what I would say. She should ask her husband if she has questions about his previous relationships.

If you do tell her anything it could come back to you, and you find that you have further messages and be caught up in their drama.

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 22:09

If she was confident that she could "just ask him" and definitely get a straight answer, why would she ask the OP?

SickTiredDesperate · 06/01/2017 22:09

You've got to tell her. Imagine if you were her, to have plucked up the courage to send you that message and then never get a response. As PPs have said, she must have a good reason for wanting to know. Just be honest.

^ THIS ^

Please don't ignore her or lie to her on his behalf. It must have taken immense courage to contact you knowing how easy it would be for someone to dismiss her as a fruit loop so she must be desperate for truth here. Hazarding a guess that her 'D'H is giving her cause for current (probably legit) concerns but is gas-lighting her so she is simply trying to find some solid ground to stand on. Please don't be his aide, if he has done nothing wrong then there will be no consequences. If he has (is, most likely, which is why I guess she's looking for other things to help her decide what to do) lied to her, you would be doing her a great disservice to join him in doing so.

Women that just want the truth, even if painful, are not 'loons'; they are worthy and just desperate IME. Please just answer an honest question honestly, any consequences are on him not you and I seriously doubt she would be asking unless she has current reasons (IE not you) for trying to establish the truth of her life. I think the PP's one (sorry, not very well so can't name them) of 'we saw each other until I met my DH 8 years ago' is spot on.

And I too have no idea why so many are telling you to ignore, or to dismiss, or posting grins (WTAF? What happened to sisterhood? Let's mock em eh? Hmm ) when the likliehood is she must be utterly desperate to have built up the bottle to contact you. Please do the right thing, imagine yourself in her shoes Flowers

lazydog · 06/01/2017 22:10

Tell her the truth. What harm does it do you, and at least then you're not complicit in his possible probable deceit. She can't blame you, but she deserves to know.

I agree with something mentioned by previous posters - it's plausible that she's learnt of a recent affair and therefore feels the need to know if that's a one-off, or whether he has "form" for cheating, before deciding what to do.

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 22:10

I would answer saying I don't think it's my place to get involved and she should talk to her DH if she has questions about his past relationships

So we've done:

  • lie to her
  • get the goss
  • laugh at her
and now we're on to patronising her? "hey! why don't you ask your husband"

smug nasty mean thread!

FatOldBag · 06/01/2017 22:10

Tell her the truth exactly like in your OP. She deserves to know if he was shagging round for 2 years and only stopped because you got a bf and didn't want to continue. What a git!

spudlike1 · 06/01/2017 22:11

Why don't you call.her on the phone , find out what this is really about, then respond .
messaging is so insincere on both sides

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 06/01/2017 22:11

TinselTwins. I'm with you, I don't get why it's even a question either, unless people like covering cheaters arses for them. It's bad enough their mates cover for them, but an ex covering for him is really bloody awful.

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 22:11

Speaking from experience I would not get involved. It is up to you she may want to meet you and find out more.

ReggaeShark · 06/01/2017 22:12

I'd ignore, unfriend and block. None of my business.

midcenturymodern · 06/01/2017 22:13

I'd tell her the truth. Sisters before misters and all that and people don't trawl about on FB looking for ex girlfriends unless they have some pretty major decisions to make. Let her have the info to make an informed choice.

For all you know Dave told her 8 years and someone else has told her 5. She might be thrilled to hear 8.

If she has had 2 kids under 9 I would guess she is under 40 and could build a great Dave free life if she wants too. Not that older women can't but I would be very hacked off to find out later that I'd wasted both my 30s and my 40s with Cheating Dave.

EweAreHere · 06/01/2017 22:13

Tell her the truth.

No one asks like a question like that 10 years and 2 children into a relationship without a very good reason.

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 22:15

Speaking from experience I would not get involved. It is up to you she may want to meet you and find out more

Ignoring the message now is not staying un-involved. Radio silence would be torture (although some of the proposed replies on here also come close Hmm )

Ignoring the message is a sort of answer! But it's most likely to be interpreted as the relationships overlapped and the op knew about the overlap. If the OP was unaware of the overlap, why wouldn't she just say when it ended?

There's nothing to stop the OP from deleting and blocking the woman after telling her the dates - she doesn't need to have any further involvement.

pluck · 06/01/2017 22:17

What a sad thread. Why protect "Dave" in this situation? I can't understand how that could help anyone! This woman isn't going to go off half-cocked at you or anyone else if she gets confirmation that he's cheating. By contrast, she may just get time to have her financial affairs in order and protect the children from a messy, uncontrolled explosion!

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 22:17

smug nasty mean thread!

Totally. It's sad that people are this selfish and spiteful that they would not help someone who is reaching out to them. I am sure that the wife has already thought of the brilliant suggestion of asking her husband. Because that will definitely get her an honest answer.

I always think about how I would like to be treated if the roles were reversed. I bet some of these spiteful posters think that they would never be in that situation so it doesn't apply to them. Sad.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:18

It's bad enough their mates cover for them, but an ex covering for him is really bloody awful.

This X 1000

lljkk · 06/01/2017 22:18

There aren't any good answers, the wife will need to hear it from him direct to know for sure & act on it, anyway.

If it was me I'd go with at least 8 yrs ago & leave her knowing she doesn't really have the answer she wants, yet.

Bant · 06/01/2017 22:18

"I saw your message on Facebook, it looks like there was some overlap at the end of my relationship with Dave & the start of yours, I'd be upset if there was, because I thought Dave was a decent bloke.

We officially broke up on x date, but totally stopped seeing each other when I met my now DH on y date.

I hope you're OK.
"

This.

You're being honest, factual and empathetic.

It's the right thing to do

Giddyaunt18 · 06/01/2017 22:18

She might be on mumsnet.....

ElfOnMyShelf · 06/01/2017 22:18

I think you need to reply as someone said above
"When I met my husband, so 8 years ago"

It's up to her if the fact he cheated at the beginning is an issue.
But I'd block her

JaniceBattersby · 06/01/2017 22:19

I would absolutely tell her the 100% truth. That poor woman.

Giddyaunt18 · 06/01/2017 22:20

Never accept a friend request from someone you don't know!

Mrsjudelaw66 · 06/01/2017 22:21

I'd tell her the truth. Sounds like the poor woman has her suspicions he's shagging around. You've done nothing wrong. Be honest. It's his shit storm to deal with.

Clankboing · 06/01/2017 22:22

I would write the truth adding the husband bit then end it with 'I hope that we did not overlap as this would not be pleasant for you.' or something similar.

Clankboing · 06/01/2017 22:22

I would write the truth adding the husband bit then end it with 'I hope that we did not overlap as this would not be pleasant for you.' or something similar.