Help me respond (or not) to this message

[TellMeHowToLiveMyLife]

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

I'd tell her the truth.

It was 9 years ago she don't know who he is now or what he is like. He could be a loving husband to her and her children. She could have stumbled on that message and pictures and paranoia sets in her head. None of us are perfect were all fucked up one way or another. Don't look for trouble or drama you don't know her or him. You fooled around with him 9 years ago and that's all it was you don't know him personally.

being vague and telling a half truth is lying FOR him essentially
Telling the truth eliminates you instantly from the whole situation and she can go and do whatever she needs to do.

I'd go with : hi, wow Dave that's a blast from the past, hope he's doing well. So long ago must be 9 years or more ?
Say hi from me.
Then run

Ridiculous Henry

Tell her the truth, you haven't done anything wrong and if you were in her position, wouldn't you want to know the truth?

Oh, can't really remember, but at least nine years, I would think. Why do you ask?

That's not true though! They were sleeping together up until 8 years ago. Why would you suggest lying to her and then being nosy and asking why she wanted to know?

Say hi from me.
Then run grin

LOLZ how funny, have a joke at a woman who is most likely going through a shit time

I'd be quite dismissive of it tbh - say, "gosh it's all so long ago I barely remember. I'm happily married and that's all in the past for me". Don't enter into discussion about it. If she carries it on, then unfriend her. Let them deal with their shit on their own.

Chickenpoops response all the way.

Another vote for the courageous stranger who must be going out of her mind if you'll respond and if you do, what the message will be. If you have the ability to soothe that discomfort I too feel it's similarly courageous and considerate of you to respond with the truth. Granted, it could change life for the FP perfect family, but change can be good when that family isn't really perfect. No family is, but in her shoes, if my husband based the first period of our relationship as an affair, I'd want to know. Give her the truth and let her and 'Dave' deal out with the fallout. She may wonder whether 'Dave' would have chosen to stay with her, had your relationship come to a close. She needs to know.

And also . I think I'd feel similarly disappointed if a past-love turned about to be a two-timing cheat. And then I'd be thankful I didn't marry him!

I'd go with: hi, wow Dave that's a blast from the past, hope he's doing well. So long ago must be 9 years or more?
Say hi from me
Then run grin

That's horrible. I hope you never find yourself in the situation that this woman is probably going through. If he really did get together with her 10 years ago, he spent TWO YEARS cheating on her. But yeah, hilarious.

OP doesn't tell her, and unfriends her: OP's life continues as normal and Ex's wife remains in limbo
OP lies or is vague, and unfriends her: OP's life continues as normal and Ex's wife remains in limbo
OP tells the truth, and unfriends her: OP's life continues as normal, and Ex's wife actually gets to address whatever it is she needs to address

Why is this even a discussion? Why would the OP not do something that makes no odds to her either way, but could make a hard decision easier for another woman?

I'd go with "Wow, that's all ancient history! Maybe ask Dave, he might remember better than me."

That way you haven't been untruthful, but really she needs to sort out her marital problems with her husband in person, not with his ex of nearly a decade ago via Facebook.

Also stunned at how many people are saying to ignore or be vague!

I stand by my earlier suggestion of "when I met my husband, about 8 years ago".

That should tell her all she needs to know. If she then starts pestering then delete and block as appropriate. Personally I'd delete once I'd replied as you aren't friends.

Don't look for trouble or drama you don't know her or him. You fooled around with him 9 years ago and that's all it was you don't know him personally

Let them deal with their shit on their own

Some more lovely responses. Great to see so much support for someone who is probably going through a very difficult time. Hopefully you won't get pissed off if your own friends keep your husband/partner's cheating from you because they think you should 'deal with your own shit on your own'...

She doesn't know him? He's her ex fucking boyfriend FFS. Of course she knows/knew him pretty darn well.

I would be completely honest too. She deserves the truth - she has a reason for asking.

I'd say...

'I saw your message on Facebook, it looks like there was some overlap at the end of my relationship with Dave & the start of yours, I'd be upset if there was, because I thought Dave was a decent bloke.

We officially broke up on x date, but totally stopped seeing each other when I met my now DH on y date.

I hope you're OK.

Take care
OP

I'm far more in favour of giving someone an honest reply than protecting some cheaters arse.

I'd be quite dismissive of it tbh - say, "gosh it's all so long ago I barely remember. I'm happily married and that's all in the past for me". Don't enter into discussion about it. If she carries it on, then unfriend her. Let them deal with their shit on their own.

OP if you don't agree with me and want to say nothing, fine, but please don't do it the way suggested above, it's just fucking mean and insensitive: "well I'm happily married so I won't help you" to a woman who is having to ask strangers about the man she thought she knew - fucking hell! what is wrong with people on mumsnet tonight

It's one thing to not help, it's another to do it with a kick in the teeth like so many people are suggesting "be vague so she tells you why?", "I'm too happy in MY relationship to help with your shit one, soz!"

Jesus.

Something must have prompted this contact from her. I wouldn't just message my DH's previous dates/girlfriends for info without a reason.

Can you imagine?! "Hi Carol, I heard you snogged my husband and went to Toby Carvery with him about a decade ago. Can you please give me more information?"

It wouldn't happen, even if someone was crackers.

The likelihood is he's being a dick to her now and that's why she has asked. Just tell her the truth, you don't owe him anything but you could be doing her s huge favour.

I'd go with "Wow, that's all ancient history! Maybe ask Dave, he might remember better than me

Genius, Laura. Because I am sure Dave will be 100% truthful, won't he?

What are all of the deny-ers hoping to save the OP from? What do you imagine will befall her?! Sheesh.

but really she needs to sort out her marital problems with her husband in person, not with his ex of nearly a decade ago via Facebook.

She probably fucking knows that and would really rather she didn't have to ask

Imagine there was a thread on here by an OP who says she's found some old photos that seem to suggest that her H was seeing his ex-gf at the same time they were together. She knows it was a long time ago but she can't get it out of her head, that those early romantic days were all a lie and he was - possibly - screwing someone else. She's found this ex on facebook and is thinking of messaging her to ask if she's right about the dates. She doesn't know what she would do if her suspicions are confirmed but she needs to know the truth, she's being driven crazy by wondering. She suspects if she asks him outright he'll just deny it, and get upset at her being suspicious.

Then she updates that she's sent a message, but the ex hasn't replied. Or has given a vague evasive answer.

Most of these responses are fucking cruel.