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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me respond (or not) to this message

234 replies

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife · 06/01/2017 21:01

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

OP posts:
FutureMrsRanj · 06/01/2017 21:44

They might have known each other ten years, hence ten years of fun, I'd go with the 'about 9 years ago' hazy suggestion. Were you ever suspicious of him out of interest? I'm over invested already

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 21:44

I'ld tell her what you told us. Officially and then occassionally until

Why not?
What harm does it do you?
Why would you lie?

lottieandmia · 06/01/2017 21:45

I would tell the truth. You've done nothing wrong. Perhaps he has? Why not help her?

NeverGoOutOfStyle · 06/01/2017 21:45

I'd use Chickenpoops answer of 'we stopped seeing each other when I met my husband about 8 years ago'.

I would definitely reply and tell her the truth, because if she's requested you and asked this so out of the blue, she's either really suspicious or already knows and just wants it confirmed so she can decide her next move. If I found out my relationship might be based on lies, I think I'd try to find out best I could the exact order of events

Redglitter · 06/01/2017 21:46

I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't reply and I'd remove her as a friend

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/01/2017 21:47

"Oh, can't really remember, but at least nine years, I would think. Why do you ask?"

PinkFluff2 · 06/01/2017 21:47

I would be completely honest with her. It's not like you knew there was an overlap and she obviously wants to know for a reason.

If you had sent that message, would you want an honest response? She may really need it.

lottieandmia · 06/01/2017 21:47

Why are so many people saying don't get involved?

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 21:48

Please be honest with her. I don't get why so many people are telling you to lie or be vague about it. She is asking you because she is suspicious and she wants to know if he has cheated. It sounds as if there was serious overlap, so you need to tell her this. What do you owe to Dave to keep his secret for him? If this was you, would you not want to know the truth?

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 21:48

Don't get involved you are at home comfortable in your living room or where ever. She has children think about them before writing your message.

Suzytwoshoes · 06/01/2017 21:49

I think you are best to stay out of it personally!

SleepFreeZone · 06/01/2017 21:49

Why not just say you can't remember? It was a long time ago and you were dating quite a few people and her husband wasn't that important so you're sorry to say you can't remember. That will get her off your back two fold.

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 21:50

I would definitely reply and tell her the truth, because if she's requested you and asked this so out of the blue, she's either really suspicious or already knows and just wants it confirmed so she can decide her next move. If I found out my relationship might be based on lies, I think I'd try to find out best I could the exact order of events

Exactly. It can especially be horrible when you know in your hearts of hearts that something is wrong, but you get accused of being paranoid and you haven't got any actual evidence. Poor woman.

Gallavich · 06/01/2017 21:50

Poor woman. She's asking because she has suspicions or knows something that she can't get confirmed. You not telling her won't make it not true.

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 21:50

"Oh, can't really remember, but at least nine years, I would think. Why do you ask?

What does it matter why she asked? Her question to the OP isn't particularly personal, so why ask for the goss about her probably troubled relationship? seems a bit mean? the woman is obviously somewhat troubled about the dates and IMO asking her why is only being nosey. You kinda know why, it's fairly obvious, goading her into telling you the nitty gritty by being initialy vague would just be mean!

LittleMermaidRose · 06/01/2017 21:50

I would tell her what she wants to know. If her DH has done something wrong then it's him that needs to be worried about it.

She sounded perfectly pleasant in her message to you. I imagine it must have taken a lot of courage for her to message you - something must be eating her up inside - I would help put her out of her misery.

Just tell the truth, there's nothing wrong with that.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 06/01/2017 21:51

I'd just tell the truth. Genuinely can't understand why anyone wouldn't think the woman deserves to know the truth. Think it would be different if people saying leave it, were in her shoes.

Blackbird82 · 06/01/2017 21:51

Do you still know 'Dave'? Do you have any mutual friends? Would telling her the truth cause you any grief?

If no, then tell her you broke up properly 9 yrs ago but saw each other occasionally for about a year after that.

If yes, tell her you broke up 10 yrs ago. Then you're covered!

Misstic · 06/01/2017 21:51

Tell the truth and do the right thing. You will feel better for it. If you were in her shoes you would want an honest answer. Do unto others what you would like done to you.

Too often we like empathy for others, choosing instead to mind our own business. Doing so, all sorts of wrongs flourish and may eventually make their way back to us.

Hassled · 06/01/2017 21:52

It must have been bloody hard for her to pluck up the courage to a) find you on FB b) befriend you and then c) message you - each one of those steps was probably a huge deal. Just tell her the truth - she's clearly going through some stuff and needs to know.

TinselTwins · 06/01/2017 21:52

I think you are best to stay out of it personally
I don't think lying or vague half truths are staying out of it at all
Staying out of it would be stating the facts

Stormwhale · 06/01/2017 21:52

I think you need to tell her the truth. To have sought you out and asked you means she is really worried about this. You haven't done anything wrong, so be honest.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 21:52

Genuinely surprised at all the "don't get involved"s

Get her off your back? Think about the children?!

It's not OP's fault the man is an abusive cheating scumbag. The least she can do is put this poor woman (and potentially her children) out of her / their misery.

Please don't be shady with her OP. I imagine she's had 10 years of gaslighting already!

TheWoodlander · 06/01/2017 21:52

I think I'd tell her the truth.

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 21:53

Don't get involved you are at home comfortable in your living room or where ever. She has children think about them before writing your message

Maybe the wife is thinking about her children when sending this message. Maybe she has found out that her husband has cheated and she wants to know whether this was truly a one-off or whether he has form for this. I would have to be quite desperate to contact a stranger like this but i would need to know whether my relationship was built on a lies or not. If the wife was just a paranoid psycho, she would surely have contacted the OP years ago. Something has obviously happened for her to reach out.

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