DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

I go to my OH's work do every christmas even though I am not particularly friendly with any of his colleagues. I could stay home and ask him to make excuses for me but that would just be rude.
Why rude? I wouldnt think someone was rude because they dont follow their DHs like a dog.

Why so worried about what other people think?

You dont want to go, dont. easy.
Being married doesnt mean you are attached by umbilical cord people

I love my inlaws, I've been on a holiday they paid for with them and it was stressful. They are lovely and I do enjoy spending time with them, but I don't think I'd go on another holiday with them.

They didn't pressure us to all spend time together but its kind of expected, or they'd just give you money to book your own holiday without them, they want a family holiday and to spend time with you.

Even with the going off doing your own thing, there's still an unsaid assumption you'll be spending a large part of the time with them, and there's something about a holiday that changes dynamics.

I love my Mum and could easily spend a week with her, dh loves my mum but couldn't spend a week on holiday with her. id just go on my own, as would dh if he didn't also find the holiday with his Dad stressful :)

It sounds like you don't just want him to suck it up and come, but that you want him to force himself to pretend to enjoy it? If he doesn't want to go, he will either ruin it for everyone by moaning, or resent you at being forced to fake enjoying himself. Doesn't sound like it will be a fun holiday for anyone and I'd rather go alone.

I wouldn't lie either, I'd just say its not dhs thing, and it's what I'll be saying to FIL if he offers to offers to take us away again, although I think he found it stressful too so wint be offering :)

Spactucus is right it changes the dynamics going away with family even going out for the day there's the expection of coming together afterwards and allocating sometime together. I'm guessing you're dh wants the freedom of going away on his own terms and not feeling obliged to spend time with people he's not close with.

I thought OP said they couldn't afford to go away - so it's this holiday or none.

I would rather have no holiday than a holiday with my ILs i think (Done it before - not enjoyed it)

Would your parents be offended if you said that you and kids would love to go, but it's not dhs thing so he's just going to stay at home and go to work as normal?

I'm just wondering if the reason you lied in the past is linked to the reason he doesn't want to go? Why wouldn't it be ok to just tell him he's not going because it's not his thing? Would they be angry, think him ungrateful? If that carries on to the holiday and he feels unable to say no to certain planned activities, or deciding where and what to eat, spending the majority of time with them without being considered ungreatful or that he's rude then I can see why he might rartger stay at home.

Sandy - because it meant a lot to him. Maybe I am conflict avoidant but IME, that's how most families work. You have older relatives that you're not desperately fond of but you invite them at Christmas because the idea of them sitting alone with a ready meal for one is too sad.

I'm not sure why you loathed your MIL, but If she was unkind to you, then your DH expecting you to go was unfair. If it's just her rubbish cooking .... then of course you would still go.

If my parents were not nice to my DH, I wouldn't expect him to want to visit them.

The older relatives on their own at Christmas is a different thing IMO.

I think his actions are selfish, this would be the only holiday the kids get to have this year? In that case yes of course for a few days he can suck it up.
We're committing to 3 nights in a cottage somewhere or other with MIL later in the year. It will be fucking awful. I will hate it. I will scream into pillows. But I will go.
I'll do this because the children will have a lovely time, and it will please both MIL and DH.

We've been on holiday for a week with MIL several times.

I do it because I love DH, and want DS to have a relationship with his grandmother. Neither DH or I enjoy the holiday.

I sometimes take DS to visit my father, I leave DH at home.
DH is very happy with this.

So op, I read your last post, and I get uour mum and dad are fantastic and your partner is simply a cunt in your view, they do nothing wrong, he had no reason not to go, the kids have a great time , as does he, you all do as you please. And no you don't have to make up an excuse, they don't expect uou to attend, because your mum and dad are all that but your husband isn't.

Right? He's totally unreasonable.

Then really the only answer is leave him, move in with your parents.dont ask on here, you know how good your parents are and you know how much of an arsehole your husband is, he should be lapping it up, so end it. Now. Go live with them, enjoy .

Wow! Blunt indeed.

This comes down to expectations really. Because it seems because you can't afford a holiday, he's stuck with holidaying with your family for the next what ... 15 years or so.?

What may irritate him on these holidays, you probably don't even notice.

I've invited my DHs sibling on holiday with us twice and the last time I was irritated quite a bit with their behaviour, but my DH was oblivious.

OP, just putting in my vote for understanding your DP. I love my family and my in-laws but I could not be doing with all my holidays revolving around them.

The thought of going on holiday with my inlaws makes me shudder and I get on well with them, the DH doesn't have to go.

I'd rather go without a holiday than go with my in laws.
My husband finds my Mum really hard work so likewise for him. She is but not in a bad way.
At any family thing that he does not attend I just say he didn't want to go, he'd probably be at work anyway.

If you are close to your family go without him, yes there are fun things to do close by but the fun things are conditional on your DH going on holiday with your family every year. If your parents love to spend time with their grandkids then they prob don't care if he is there or not. There will be three adults there so it's not like you have to manage the kids on your own.

If I had to go on holiday with my PIL every year the thought of it would sit like an oppressive weight! I'd become more resentful every year and it would destroy any relationship that I had with my PIL. I just couldn't do it, I would tell my OH to take the kids on this own. Nothing wrong with taking short breaks separately.

Reading your posts it looks like your parents generosity comes with strings - only available if you spend time with them. I'm with your DH I'd turn it down as well.

Another one who understands your DH. If you're parents are lovely, then surely they'll understand without needing to make excuses?

You appear to be quite a close knit family and I'm assuming that there are more events throughout the year? Christmas? Maybe your DH just feels like its too much.

I had this for years. It was automatically assumed that I would be doing this or that without even asking me (or the hoops I had to jump trough to get certain days off work).

I had to spend every Christmas with the PIL's without a second thought about my family. Even when we had the DC's - still expected to go! One year, MIL arrived at my house with a brochure, spoke over me to DH and said she was booking it for all of us on this date and can he book it off work. DS was starting school that week and she wouldn't hear otherwise (even with the new laws re the unauthorised school absence thingy). I appreciate my circumstances were (I started putting my foot down) more extreme and also a DH problem...but it really did get a bit too much. "Nice" gestures or not.

Why don't you go on your own with the children? I'm sure your parents will help. Perhaps the next time something like this comes up, DH can have the children on his own and you get a few days to yourself? If money is tight, perhaps you can go to your parents house for a weekend alone or something?

Not sure why people are giving you a hard time for wanting him to go with you. It's 4 days out of 365! He's acting like a child, you have to find out why he doesn't want to go. It's quality time with family.

People saying your parents will understand....understand that their Son in law doesn't like them enough to spend 4 days holiday with them, for free? Ok, they may be nice enough not to kick off and make a big deal about it but I'm sure they would be hurt.

Op, my DPs are exactly the same. DH put up with going on holiday together for years until his tolerance level was breached. He likes my parents, but can't be in their company for more than 3 days because they are too different. Up to that point he was being polite, but he couldn't take it anymore. They can be annoying to him. He couldn't keep up the pretence.

I also think a bit of male ego is involved? He feels that for his family to have any kind of holiday his PILs have to provide it because he doesn't earn enough to take you away separately. He feels indebted. He feels inadequate as a man. I know we live in an age where we strive for equality but from my experience men still want to feel they can provide. These feelings are innate.

I don't think your DH is rude selfish or ungrateful. I think there are deeper issues and you need to have it out with him. My husband is always brutally honest about his feelings over everything which causes arguments but at least I know the true picture. You need to find out how he feels deep inside. He is hiding how he feels about the whole situation leaving you a bit confused and bothered. There is a face for your DP which you are maintaining (we did for ages) then there is the two of you, the true picture. So have it out with DH and find out wtf he's feeling.

I think the point about the "only four days" thing is that he's been doing it for years. My PiLs are OK, but I know from bitter experience how long those four days can stretch out when you're bored out of your skull. I think the time must come when he's entitled to say he's done enough.

This is one of those situations where the husband married you OP and unwittingly married your family. In your eyes they might be wonderful. In his eyes possibly not so much.

To those saying he is acting like a child, I get the impression that he is being treated like a child. He's a grown man with his own feelings and opinions. How about respecting those opinions?

*Reading your posts it looks like your parents generosity comes with strings - only available if you spend time with them. I'm with your DH I'd turn it down as well.(

^^^ This

I said the same upthread.