DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

Me too Adora it's really not that hard.

My sister goes away for a week a year with her PIL and she can't stand them. But she gets a free holiday, her children have a chance to spend time with their GPs, and her husband would be upset if she didn't go.

Not everyone considers their inlaws family. Dh and I don't. We do visit each other's families for the sake of the children having a relationship with their grandparents but going on holiday with them would be unbearable. The same way I would find going on holiday with anyone other than dh unbearable to be honest. The ops dh isn't stopping her or the dc from going and enjoying themselves. He just doesn't want to go himself.

Is he anxious ? I ask because I am and I've sucked up holidays with in laws before then spent the following month or so having panic attacks .
This ^^
I am still paying for Christmas. And yes, I am on therapy and working hard on this.
For people with anxiety it is not as easy as "suck it up and go"

I get on well with my PIL, I'm not anxious and I don't find socialising difficult but I would absolutely not want to go away on a holiday with my PILs that they have paid for.

And my DH would not ask me to.

I would go without him and I don't see why you have to make up an excuse. He should be the one declining the invite. Not you. Or simply say, he doesn't want to come. Swiftly followed by 'me and the kids can't wait to be there'. It's not fair that this is all being put on you because he is the one who has made the choice to not go.

I get on well with my PIL, I'm not anxious and I don't find socialising difficult but I would absolutely not want to go away on a holiday with my PILs that they have paid for

Why not? Pride?

Lots of judgy pants out today.
Not everybody has a family they can easily spend lots of time with in close quarters. Doesn't make them inconsiderate or selfish. Often avoiding these situations is the best thing for a family because it avoids the rows and arguments that cause permanent rifts.

If he doesn't want to go then fair enough. Just be honest, don't make up excuses.

Maybe he should choose the holiday next year, or make it a joint decision.

OP - The thing that stood out for me is that he can't / won't tell you WHY he doesn't want to go.

I think there can be 3 scenarios -

• There is a backstory here or he simply finds your parents too much. However, if this is the case, I don't see why he can't just tell you this and why. What is he like around your DPs in the past and is he usually keen get away?

• He is a selfish git who doesn't care that this puts you in an awkward position, offends your parents and deprives his DC of a holiday and family time.

• Or (and I think this is the most likely scenario) it's simply a matter of pride for him. He feels ashamed that he can't take his own family on holiday and embarrassed that your parents are providing this. It would explain why he is being offhand and not giving any explanation as to why he won't go.

OP says they wont get a holiday this year apart from this one I think.

Lots of time, it's four days, he's not going to be held up in a room with them, the whole family will be there.

I think we are all missing the point, it is clearly upsetting the OP that he is saying he won't go; relationships are about compromise, I get that he doesn't want to go, I don't always want to go and spend time with my own family, never mind my partners but I do because otherwise I'd feel shit.

If he gets out of going, I definitely think the OP deserves a wee break herself from the kids, just like he is planning.

Or from his perspective - it's their only holiday and he has to spend it doing something he hates.
Why should DH compromise when OP won't either?

it's in the OP that he said he 'doesn't enjoy it'. She does go on to say that he won't say, but it's a bit of a contradiction, given that she has put what he has said in quotation marks. I think the most likely scenario is he doesn't enjoy it, and has told her that he doesn't enjoy it, but she won't listen or expects a more robust answer which may be tactless of him to give.

fwiw I think as a parent there are many things you have to do that you don't enjoy, but I'm unconvinced that this is necessarily one of them. It's pretty normal time for a parent to take the dcs to visit family without their DPs going. There are plenty of threads where some poor sod has got stuck in a routine of going to the ILs every Sunday and everyone piles in and says 'tell him to go without you and enjoy the peace and quiet.' and nobody suggests the parent taking the dcs to visit should leave a list of chores for the one at home.

The view here seems to be:
Wanting to go on holiday with PILS = good person.
Not wanting to go on holiday with PILS = bad person.

The reality is:
Wanting to go on holiday with PILS = normal person.
Not wanting to go on holiday with PILS = also normal person.

He is not being unreasonable to want to avoid a situation he hates.

You go, if you want to. Your parents must already have an inkling he isn't keen, (wonder what he said to your Dsis, and whether she's repeated it to anyone?).

Assuming you enjoy spending time with them, and regret missing the Christmas event, it's important for you to keep a good relationship with the family. You don't have to make up stories about why he isn't interested. He is an adult, he can chose how he spends free time. He's not being a hypocrite, gritting his teeth going just for the free holiday. Maybe it's pride talking, maybe he's never felt able to relax around them and has stopped pretending? Has anything been said to him that you don’t know about?

If you fear your parents will think less of him for not coming that's a shame, but you're not his keeper. If you worry they'll think less of you for not coercing him to go or providing a soothing excuse, then that's not really healthy either.
If otoh he grumbles about you going then tell him you choose to go. It might be easier for you to understand if he felt articulate what the problem is.

Adora10

If he gets out of going, I definitely think the OP deserves a wee break herself from the kids, just like he is planning.

Massive assumption, no basis in any fact.
You might as well assume that the OP will get a break on the holiday as her parents will be spending all the time with their grandchildren.

This is a non-problem. Go without him.

Or from his perspective - it's their only holiday and he has to spend it doing something he hates

Or from a less selfish perspective - it's their only holiday he has the chance to spend with his kids. If he doesn't go he gets no holiday at all and nor does the OP as she will be responsible for the kids.

We've no evidence he hates it, we've no idea why he won't go. The OP says he gets on well with his parents.

I agree with Adora that if he doesn't go, the OP needs a few days away while he takes care of the children to give her a break.

It's not been a few days though is it? It's every yearly holiday that has been dominated by your family,the place being chosen down to the activities. He went and it's not for him. He is totally reasonable to say he doesn't want to go on these holidays with your family. It's different if your in control of our own holiday with your nuclear family. Could you not set money aside for a couple of years to experience your own family as a nuclear family?

If you enjoy it go yourself but I think your unfair to drag your dh along. We are going away as a group 13 in total as my DF has terminal cancer. We will be individual
Carvans so not sharing the same space. Normally we wouldn't consider going on a joint holiday but this is one off due to circumstances.

Not everyone enjoys socialising with their inlaws on holiday there's nothing wrong with that.

The gps are not likely to do full time childcare for 4 children for a week, BoneyBack, especially when one is only a few months old.

its up to him if he doesnt want to holiday with your parents. Youre just going to have to make an excuse for him, whether you want to or not, because the alternative is forcing him to go, which would be out of order. Your parents already know he doesnt like it, unless theyre stupid, which im sure theyre not, so stop the pretence, and make it about you, your children and your parents. I doubt your parents want him there much either

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe

My point was that there is no basis in believing that he is doing this to get away from the children, he might just not book any holiday.

Adora doesn't know this and neither do you.

and as I posted you might as well ASSUME etc.

For all those saying it's dominating precious holiday time, until this year, the OP's parents booked a hotel for a long weekend. At the very most, that's 2 days. Hardly 'dominated'

We are a family that goes on holiday with wider family. Works well if you have a big place and don't demand that everyone does everything together - you need a bit of freedom.

It seems rather unfair on your children that you will turn the holiday down because your husband is being so churlish.

I think a married couple have a responsibility to support their spouse and children in their relationship with their families. He should make the effort for you. My husband can't stand my sister but is always polite and turns up with good grace to meet her. The whole point of a partnership is the give and take, the compromise and the doing something for the other half.

Crumbs1
I think a married couple have a responsibility to support their spouse and children in their relationship with their families.

How far are you willing to take that statement?

I never said he was doing it to get away from the children if you read my posts, you're the one making assumptions.

I simply agreed that as OP will have charge of them without him for a few days he should return the favour.