DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

Op

Your dh does not have to participate in family hols with your parents.

You are complicating things

Just go and tell them he wasn't up for it

Tell your parents he preferred to stay home

Although the fact that you are afraid to offers a glimpse into why he doesn't want to go with them in the first place

Hmm 'traditional' or selfish?

Traditional people tend be old school in terms of respecting family, elders etc.

It's hardly a hand out.

She has now Boney, give it a rest will ya.

It's very sad that a partner won't support doing what you want, once a year for a couple of days.

If my partner really really hated my family but it still was important to me to have them there, then I'd expect them to manage it - for example, I'd be relaxed about him skipping a family lunch for the hotel gym one day, or give him a wink as he disappeared off to play with the kids.

The second option is going without him. I can feel the flames warming as I say this but... if I couldn't manage 4 kids without my husband when I had lots of family around me, I maybe wouldn't have chosen that size family

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe

I take that as an acceptance that you where wrong.

I'm sure OP can manage 4 kids, the question is whether she'd want to on holiday, when she has a partner.

My DH refused to consider going on holiday at all when we had 3 young DC he reckoned it was harder work than being in our home with them. I really think he had a point.

If he doesn't want to go and spend time you just say he doesn't fancy it but you'd love to bring the DC and come.

Oh grow up Boney. You assumed something that wasn't implicit, & you attributed something to me I didn't say.

The poster has now laid her cards on the table, if you're so insecure as to need a rosette, good luck.

The other thing is, when DH and I both realised we each weren't up for extended periods with the in-laws, we never put each other in that position again. I think it's unfair to.

The PILs pick the place, the time, the accommodation. They decide on the food, the activities, the timetable

Who said they decide on the food, activities and timetable?

Jeez, some people are so cynical.

Lol at all th people saying he should support her. Sure. Why shouldn't she support him? Clearly there is a reason he doesn't want to go, he's clearly told her he does not like it, she's clearly inducated her parents treat this as an obligation , a three line whip, as she'd have to lie if he didn't attend, she's clearly stated he has done it many times before and he's come to the end of his rope and said never again, she's also clearly stated she only wants him there for child care purposes. So why's it not his turn to be supported?

Why does the the poor sod have to just keep on sucking it up?

Marmite I'm not cynical, it's just how it goes.

Going on holiday as someone's gift is not the same as paying your own way.

Yes. Forced socialization is the best, isn't it? Especially when it's your only holiday all year.

He sounds horrendous. I bet he resents the fact they can offer "his family" (you and the kids) something he can't and that's why he's being bitter. Selfish man child. Definitely go without him and tell your parents the truth- he won't say why but he won't go. Why should your children miss out on times with their cousins and a free holiday they'll love because their dad is being selfish?

AmeliaJack

I've been on holiday with OH's parents (and siblings w/families) many times. The PILs are well-off and like to rent a big villa and invite everyone, just because they love spending time with their kids and grandkids. They know we couldn't all afford to go away together otherwise. We pay for flights but get free accommodation, we're not obligated to do the same activities all the time or to eat certain foods, although we do often go on excursions together and go out for dinner together most nights. We all drink wine and chat in the evening, the kids swim in the pool and have a great time with their cousins, etc.

That sounds really lovely Marmite but it's not how it works in all families. Even in the ones where everyone is nice and people get on.

Yes. Forced socialization is the best, isn't it? Especially when it's your only holiday all year

It's a long weekend / a few days. If OH wants another holiday, he has plenty of time for one.

But he doesn't want to. And has said so. It's an invite, not a summons and all that. Saying "thanks but no thanks" doesn't make you a bad person.

OP - where did you go?

I could never envisage my DH allowing my my parents to buy him a coffee, let alone a hotel trip. He would be highly embarassed -regardless of whether he got on with them or not. Maybe the OP is being quite cavalier about the whole thing and underestimating how awkward being taken on holiday makes her DH feel?

Or not - who knows?

There's so many reasons that your dh might not want to go.

• embarrassment about being poor and unable to provide holidays.
• embarrassment about taking from them and not being able to reciprocate
• different ideas about what is relaxing. Some people prefer backpacking to 5* hotels

I've not gone into the possibility that it might be you behaving differently when with them or him being forced to shut up because your parents have paid and he should be "grateful". He's tried a few and I think it's not uncommon for one adult to holiday alone with their parents so "rude" is unfair. It's an offer not a summons. Personally I'd go alone.

I find it sad that people feel families are so disposable. They are the OP's parents. He is her partner. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to spend a few days of holiday with his in laws. How bad can it be particularly as they are not staying in the parents house and have 4 kids to keep them busy anyway.

Do I love hanging out with my in laws? No, but they are my husbands parents and my children's grandparents so are important people in our lives and I never begrudge visits or holidays with them.

I think that the people who think that he is selfish are unfair.

OP's parents may offer these holidays out of kindness with no strings attached but in many families, it would be thrown in their faces should they fall out. Some people do not consider holidays a priority and if faced with spending a windfall, might pick something totally different. I don't think it's selfish to decline handouts from your parents if you're an independent adult. Selfish if he denied OP and the kids but there's no point in wasting the parents money on something that he won't enjoy. It's funny how many people on here bash people on benefits but would take a free holiday from their parents.

OP- have you considered how the dynamics differ between home and when with your parents? In the interests of not falling out with you maybe he is letting that dynamic "be"?

I'm sure if this was a woman refusing to go away with her in laws every year she'd be told she was right and he needed to cut the apron strings.

He doesn't want to go so shouldn't be forced into it. If you can't cope alone with the children for four days how on earth would you cope if he left or worse.

Maybe he has pride and believes adults pay their own way in life rather than still relying on parents as adults.

Hmm. I don't actually think he's being that selfish. The thought of spending a long weekend with my ILs, or even my own family fills me with horror and I know DH would hate it too. Neither of us would feel comfortable with having either parents pay for the whole thing.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to suck it up or punish him with extra chores around the house or whatever. If you enjoy it, just go by yourself and say DH can't make it. It doesn't have to be a massive issue, IMO.

Wow, so many replies!

To clarify some points:

• it's not pride, he's not like that at all. Both his dad (MIL sadly passed) and my parents are very generous and he's never had an issue taking cash gifts etc from them.

• the hotel weekend is a hotel we have been to just by ourselves and he likes it, it's the entire family weekend he doesn't like. But this house rental would be just my parents and us while we are there, siblings there another time.

• my parents would never dictate how we spend our time on holidays with them. Wed be free to go off for the whole day and do whatever. There are no strings attached. They see it as helping us get a holiday (including help with the kids). And they love spending time with the grandkids.

• they've offered us longer holidays, e.g. Same thing but in Spain or portugal, them renting a big house and is joining them for a week or whatever which we have turned down. I'd have loved it but understand a whole week abroad mightn't be fun for DH. But this is just a few days!

• I don't want DH there just for childcare. Like I said there's loads of fun stuff for the kids nearby and I'd like us to enjoy them as a family, make some memories etc.

• he doesn't suffer from anxiety.

I think the issue is I'm very close to my family and although he makes an effort with his, it's just that, an effort. I'd happily spend time with my family every week whereas he does it out of obligation with his dad more than want. His siblings would be the same.

I think it just makes me sad as family is so important to me. Our own family comes first but my parents and siblings too. I often think, especially since losing MIL, that our kids are so so lucky to be so close to their 3 remaining grandparents and the more they see of them the better in my eyes. When I was growing up we saw my mum's family all the time, my dad wasn't close to his at all but became great friends with mum's dad and brothers. Id LOVE that but I know that's unusual, I guess I just wish DH could meet me half way.