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Original poster

DH being rude to parents

237 replies

babyblabber · 06/01/2017 14:32

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
MarmiteDoesYouGood · 06/01/2017 20:31

OP, given everything you've just said, it seems quite strange that he is so against going tbh. Rather than playing the guessing game, I would just straight up ask him why.

SirMixALot · 06/01/2017 20:31

You've put it better than I could Pidgey.

Underthemoonlight · 06/01/2017 20:33

Your failing to put his needs first he doesn't want to be on holiday with your parents many posters don't want to holiday with their inlaws your dh included. If your dp wanted to do right and allow you holiday they could offer to pay for you and your little family on your own. Your dh doesn't enjoy it, you need to accept that.

therealpippi · 06/01/2017 20:36

Go op. Go on your own.

Of course your dh should suck it up bit don't let this prevent you from spending time with your family snd your children to have happy memories.

You'll regret it and you'll resent him even more

Madinche1sea · 06/01/2017 20:37

Well in that case OP, he should get over himself - for your sake and the kids. It's a few days. He is a grown man - not a spoilt teenager. Tell him to get a grip. Unless your DPs are truly horrendous I don't know why anyone would be so selfish and rude.

therealpippi · 06/01/2017 20:38

Why should his needs come first??

Before the op's needs? Before the children's needs? What??

To suggest they pay for a holiday without them is ludicrous!

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 06/01/2017 20:43

I'm quite surprised at the number of people saying "he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, stop trying to make him" etc. etc.

Don't any of you ever do anything for/with your OH that you'd prefer not to? None of you ever compromise or step out of your comfort zone to make them and/or your kids happy? Bear in mind that OP says he has a GOOD relationship with her parents and no socialisation issues. She's not asking him to sell a kidney on the black market or anything.

Underthemoonlight · 06/01/2017 20:45

OPs says that her parents pay for them to go away so they can have a holiday but they have a holiday on their terms and conditions. E.g place activities with them present it's not the same as going away as a nuclear family. Why should he be made to go ? Hes been before and didn't like it. If it was reversed and op was complaining about holidaying with her inlaws and not enjoying it ( seen this thread many times) she would be told to stay home. Why should he have to go and be dictated how he holidays and who with and where.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 06/01/2017 20:45

I go to my OH's work do every christmas even though I am not particularly friendly with any of his colleagues. I could stay home and ask him to make excuses for me but that would just be rude. I'm an adult and I love my OH so I do things with him sometimes even if I'm not necessarily chomping at the bit to do them. Isn't that part of a normal adult relationship? And that's not even taking the kids into account, for whom I would compromise even more.

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 20:46

Has he said what it is that he doesnt like?Although he has every right not to go, it would be helpful if you listened to and understood his reasons.

Underthemoonlight · 06/01/2017 20:47

Also he's tried it before comprised by going and didn't enjoy it he's expressed this to op yet op could comparise and go without him but she wants help with the children. As someone said leave the eldest and two youngest.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 06/01/2017 20:51

By the OP's own admission, he's always sucked it up and gone previously. And I can't help thinking that if the positions were reversed, she would have got a fairly unanimous response of 'don't go, let him go by himself while you stay home and do something you enjoy'.

It's not about putting his needs first or even hers. Both should be able to compromise (which he has) and work something out which suits them both. I don't see how forcing someone to attend a family do that they don't want to go to is going to be an enjoyable experience for anyone.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 20:52

I don't see him as rude and your recent post doesn't really change that. If they want you to have a holiday, they can give you the cash, instead of forcing you to spend the time with them.

I would enjoy the holidays you've described very much with my parents and siblings, but I don't expect my DH would want that every year, especially as the only holiday we have. He'd take it as a freebie, because he gets on with my siblings and brother in laws though.

Having said that ... People have labelled my family as weird because we're very close and we took my parents to the States for a big birthday treat. We being my siblings and I, minus DC and DHs.

I find that those who marry people from close families struggle with this kind of thing.

I seriously wouldn't want an annual weekend or 4 days or week with my PILs.

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 20:53

Well exactly Marmite. I went to stay with my ex's loathsome mother every year and was polite about her dreadful cooking.

I've been to boring pantomines, tedious recitals, dull dinners and excrutiating theatrical productions to support my family and friends. It's just what you do, isn't it?

It's a couple of days where they can take the kids out to do fun stuff and have a change of scene. It's hardly forced labour.

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 20:54

Well exactly Marmite. I went to stay with my ex's loathsome mother every year and was polite about her dreadful cooking.

I've been to boring pantomines, tedious recitals, dull dinners and excrutiating theatrical productions to support my family and friends. It's just what you do, isn't it?

It's a couple of days where they can take the kids out to do fun stuff and have a change of scene. It's hardly forced labour.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 20:56

By the OP's own admission, he's always sucked it up and gone previously. And I can't help thinking that if the positions were reversed, she would have got a fairly unanimous response of 'don't go, let him go by himself while you stay home and do something you enjoy'.

^^^^^^ I agree.

Do you really expect him to go away every year, without question? I think you're being a bit unreasonable TBH.

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 20:57

I guess it's a matter of perception Jiggly

I don't like spiders, my DH loathes them. Same situation but different perception. I'll move them because my dislike is trumped by DH's loathing. Neither of us are wrong to feel the way we do and both respect each other's feelings.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 20:59

Well exactly Marmite. I went to stay with my ex's loathsome mother every year and was polite about her dreadful cooking.

Why did you go if you hated it that much?

And it's not just what you do, unless youre conflict avoidant.

Whilst we tend to love our parents regardless, it doesn't mean your partner has to do the same.

If he keeps getting pushed to do it, he'll get resentful, so leave him be.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/01/2017 21:02

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe

adora, clearly posted that she thought that he planned it.

I didn't link it to you at all until you replied to my post, you may want to re-read what was posted.

Madinche1sea · 06/01/2017 21:04

When MIL was widowed she came over from Argentina to live with us. I was slightly concerned to say the least. Confused We converted our basement into a flat, including moving walls, re-levelling the back garden so she could have direct access and letting her choose all the furnishings and fittings. Then once it was all practically finished, she decided she didn't want to live there after all, so DH had to buy her an apartment down the road where she remains to this day (with no end of issues).

I did this because he's put himself out a lot for my parents over the years in many ways and I'm very appreciative of this.

Underthemoonlight · 06/01/2017 21:04

I hate the double standards on mns when it comes to gender and opinions.

Rockmegently · 06/01/2017 21:05

I'm surprised at the responses, I do think your DH is being unreasonable. MN can be a bit contradictory sometimes, you have a very young baby and three other kids and in most circumstances posters would consider it unreasonable that you shoulder this alone while he has time to himself. They would also object to grandparents being expected to step in and cover his parenting role, as many people have suggested here.

If he was saying he would prefer a cheap caravan break just with you and the kids, and you were insisting you wanted to go to your parents I would see his point. But this is the kids only chance of a little holiday this year, is that right? It's only three days.

I booked three days in Disneyland Paris last year, not DPs idea of fun at all. But we both knew the kids would love it, and he's not a nob so he sucked it up, they loved it and he had a great time with his other four weeks of annual leave.

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 21:06

Sandy - because it meant a lot to him. Maybe I am conflict avoidant but IME, that's how most families work. You have older relatives that you're not desperately fond of but you invite them at Christmas because the idea of them sitting alone with a ready meal for one is too sad.

It's about being kind, surely?

And nothing to do with spiders Hmm

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 06/01/2017 21:06

Meet you half way OP? What would half way be? I think he's been doing it all your way until last year, so if you can define what half way would be then maybe you can make some progress with him? Can you listen to his reasons without being angry with how he feels?

FWIW I love my PILs and gladly hoiiday with them (and we even take 80 year old PIL on his own sometimes which is a whole other adventure..) but don't want to spend more than an afternoon with my own family, even though I love them more. Life is not an episode of The Waltons. Yes I am very old. Smile

Evergreen17 · 06/01/2017 21:09

Lol at all th people saying he should support her. Sure. Why shouldn't she support him? Clearly there is a reason he doesn't want to go, he's clearly told her he does not like it, she's clearly inducated her parents treat this as an obligation ,
Exactly

I would never do this to DH because I know how unfair and stressful it is to be forced to spend time with people you dont want to/ do things you dont want to do

Which is why I travel to see my family without him. Spare him the stress.
You want to see your family? Go ahead!

Live the man alone

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