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Original poster

DH being rude to parents

237 replies

babyblabber · 06/01/2017 14:32

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblabber · 06/01/2017 14:55

Going without him doesn't really solve anything, I'd still have to make an excuse for him which I don't want to do. There is no way with this much notice he couldn't get time off work and get know that. Last year at the hotel I used a last minute work thing as an excuse but he's not in a demanding job, they would see right through it.

Also, it would be me and 4 kids, one just a few months old. Although my parents would of course help, they would be my responsibility and it'd be a lot of work. All I asked him for was a few days. I would do it for him.

OP posts:
user1478860582 · 06/01/2017 14:56

Perhaps he doesn't want to always feel beholden to your parents? Are there other areas of your life where your parents pay for everything? Maybe they've gone over the top with Christmas presents for the kids and he feels undermined?

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 14:56

So force him into a corner then and don't respect his rights not to want to go.

SallyInSweden · 06/01/2017 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2017 15:01

I don't think it's fair to say the guy is miserable. He's already said he doesn't enjoy these holidays with her parents. He's failed to explain why though, possibly to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, so maybe they do need to have an adult conversation.

To be fair, I did go away with my inlaws once and my husband found it all very relaxing and great, me, not so much, I'd have struggled to explain why though, possibly it was the expectation on me on how to behave and what to say, what to do, the gratitude expected, the expectation I would go with their decisions on what to do (even though we pretended it was a group decision the reality was we went with their preferences).

As it was his parents he wouldn't have seen it, but although I'd have went again, I certainly wouldn't have been looking forward to it and i suspect if I'd had to do it often enough the time would have come where I said no, no way, no more. Visiting is one thing, going a way with them for two or three nights or more is something else entriely.

So I think it's harsh to judge him as miserable without understanding why he doesn't enjoy it to the extent that he seriously doesn't want to repeat it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2017 15:03

Saying that he has done enough holidays with them may be perhaps only a part of why he is acting as he is. There are certainly reasons in his mind behind his actions.

You thinking however, that he could still manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids is wrong. He is already saying no more holidays with your parents and you have made an excuse for this year not to attend.

You both need to be totally honest with each other and I would also ask him what he has said to your sister. A lack of honesty on both sides here will lead to simply more resentment.

It could well be that he thinks these free holidays from them are infact loaded with obligation or he may feel very uncomfortable that in his head he cannot provide his family unit with a holiday. He may also think that your parents still treat you like a child and that you still look to them for approval. I am not at all suggesting that he is correct but there is his truth, your truth and another version of the truth in between.

Lunde · 06/01/2017 15:03

Your DH doesn't want to spend all of his time off work with your parents/family staying in places and doing things that they have chosen because they have more money - although he has put up with it in the past to please you.

I don't see how you are going to force him into taking these extended family breaks everytime without damaging your relationship - why can't he opt out sometimes and you go with the kids?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 06/01/2017 15:04

I don't see how he's being rude. I wouldn't want to go away with my DP's parents every year. They are fine here and there but that's by the by.
He doesn't want to go. He's an adult. You have two choices; go without him or don't go at all.
Are you normally this insistent on having your own way?

Naicehamshop · 06/01/2017 15:05

You're not joined at the hip - go without him! You can easily think of an excuse if you try. Sounds like you are determined not to listen to him or to the advice on here, tbh. Confused

Kidnapped · 06/01/2017 15:06

It really doesn't sound like his thing. Sounds like there is a lot of sitting around going on. Wouldn't be my thing either.

Maybe a compromise could be that you take the 2 older kids with you this time for a week, leave the 2 youngest at home with him?

And then next year if he doesn't want to go, you take the 2 youngest and leave the 2 older children at home with him.

Maybe the prospect of that will change his mind.

Adora10 · 06/01/2017 15:07

So you are not going to go because he's throwing his toys out the pram; what are you going to do, just keep making excuses in the years to come.

It's a few days, hardly a proper holiday, I still think he's being a complete shit, to you and his kids, he knows you and the kids love it so is effectively depriving the family.

See when you are married to someone and have children, which in effect have grandchildren, you have to compromise with each other when it comes to these things - he got off the last one thanks to you lying for him, can he not make a fucken effort this time, would it actually be agony for him, doubt it, it sounds amazing.

mereswinesaliva · 06/01/2017 15:07

I don't know enough about your husband, so may be way off-base here but could it be that he's jealous of your relationship with your parents?

My reaction is rooted in going out with one too many jealous insecure types who resented my having friends, family, etc. So my opinion here is likely coloured by that.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 15:08

I'll be honest here .... I wouldn't want to vacation with my PILs every year .... even if I couldn't afford to pay for myself.

Perhaps he'd really like a family holiday with just you and the kids. If your folks know you can't afford a holiday and they are wealthy enough, would they not give you the money for a break. I'd do that if it was my kids.

Now. .. I'm from a close family and holidaying with my parents and siblings every year would be fun for me and our DC, but if it was our only holiday .... I can see my DH not being so keen.

Biscuitsneeded · 06/01/2017 15:08

Mine can't cope with my family for extended periods either. Fair enough. Just go without him!

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 15:09

Maybe a compromise could be that you take the 2 older kids with you this time for a week, leave the 2 youngest at home with him?

^^ Great idea.

Ragwort · 06/01/2017 15:09

I think you should go without him, surely your family will help with the children.

My parents used to live in a lovely part of the country, they had a big house, I thought it was great for weekends away, holidays etc but then I realised it wasn't fair on my DH to expect him to spend so much of his free time with my parents. I used to go on my own with DC (secretly my parents probably preferred that - perhaps your's would too?).

Don't make excuses - just be honest - 'DH finds the whole family a bit much full on - but the children and I will love to join you'. End of.

golfbuggy · 06/01/2017 15:10

Would all the people on here saying he is rude, be happy to go on holiday with their in-laws year after year?

He doesn't want to go. I fail to see why this is a problem. Just tell your parents he doesn't want to.

SVJAA · 06/01/2017 15:11

My parents are very well off, DP and I are not. This year they paid for us all to go on a caravan holiday (our first holiday in years) and joined us for the last few days. It was a nightmare, because they'd paid for the holiday we had to go along with their plans which weren't what we would have done ourselves and it was very awkward. Much as we were massively grateful for the holiday, we've politely declined this year as it caused a lot of tension.

Pollaidh · 06/01/2017 15:11

I spend 4 weeks of my 5 weeks annual leave allocation with my foreign in-laws. They're absolutely lovely, look after the kids quite a bit, subsidise some pretty expensive stuff. But it's exhausting. Our working lives are so busy I want to spend at least some holidays in our small family unit. I also like to be on my own and read. This cannot happen.

Think your DH should be able to cope with 3 days.

merrygoround51 · 06/01/2017 15:14

Just go without him for a week.

Tell him you understand why he doesnt want to go (I can see his point of view) but this is an opportunity for the children to have a holiday so you are going without him.

I wouldn't let him put his foot down and not allow you to go with the children - thats petty

diddl · 06/01/2017 15:15

I get on with my parents but as an adult with kids have never wanted to holiday with them.

He doesn't want to go-doesn't stop you & the kids going.

Why would you need to make up an excuse for your parents?

BeaveredBadgered · 06/01/2017 15:17

No way could I holiday with my in laws every year. I think he's being reasonable and it's up to you to decide if you want to go with the kids. If you coerce him into going can you really see it being a success?

Adora10 · 06/01/2017 15:19

We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids

THIS - Perhaps he is jealous of what they can provide and it makes him feel inadequate which then turns into stamping his feet in protest about going.

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 15:20

Why would you need to make up an excuse for your parents?

Exactly!

Either, 'it's not his thing' or 'this is a trip just for our family and a chance for him to do something he wants to do'.

That's the view everyone in both sides of my families took.

Jaysis · 06/01/2017 15:20

In your first post you say that it's a lovely relaxing time but then in your second you say that going alone would be too much work. Could it be that when you are with family you kick back and enjoy the time with them while he's running around making sure the kids are being entertained and playing safely and not really getting to relax as such?

My DP avoids my family occasions too, he finds them draining because all of us are chatterboxes and the odd hot-headed flare up can happen too. So I leave him to Netflix and beer while I go with DC. I blame work/ his family commitments / giving him a rest from DC etc and while I'm sure that my family know full well I'm excusing him they just assume he's not one for large gatherings.

Just go without him. Make up an excuse that it clashes with him helping his brother/ dad / work trip.

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