DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe

I was quoting and replying to Adora.

I doubt your parents want him there much either

How d'you know? They might be hurt and disappointed, and anyway his children will want him there as does his wife.

I don't see why his enjoyment trumps everyone else's in the family.

Timefortea what you said!!! Exactly that!!
We are so used to forcing ourselves to do things to please others that we forget that we have a choice.
And then you end up like me, social anxiety mid thirties because you put up with all the stuff to please others.

Boneyback

1. Adora never said that he was doing it to get away from the children either.

2. You replied to me: Adora doesn't know this and neither do you.

You seem to have assumed that's what we both meant, despite neither of us having said so.

I think he has done his fair share of holidays away with your parents from the sounds of it.

If you want to go with the DC do so. Don't make excuses for him. He doesn't enjoy this type of thing and doesn't want to come.

Er no

That is in response to your title 'DH being rude to parents'. He just isn't being 'rude'. He is telling you that spending a fortnight with your parents is not attractive for him. Fair enough. If you can start to think of it from his point of view, it might help you communicate about it.

My DH enjoyed spending time with my parents, but we made sure never to do it for more than a few hours, an overnight at a time. Start from there, and work out what would work best for you both, whatever that turns out to be. Not starting from 'him being rude to not want to go'. All the best.

This is what Adora10 @ Fri 06-Jan-17 17:18:14

"I definitely think the OP deserves a wee break herself from the kids, just like he is planning."

So yes, she did post that he was planning to have time away from the kids

Massive assumption, no basis in any fact

I think you will it will be fact when she goes with kids and he is left on his own for four days without any family responsibility, that is not an assumption.

I think a married couple have a responsibility to support their spouse and children in their relationship with their families. He should make the effort for you. My husband can't stand my sister but is always polite and turns up with good grace to meet her. The whole point of a partnership is the give and take, the compromise and the doing something for the other half.

Yes exactly. I feel very lucky that I have a partner who would not embarrass me like this; it's four bloody days max.

Plus I'd hate to miss out on seeing my four kids have a great holiday, apparently the only they will get this year.

I'm another one on your DH's side. If he's had to troop off to these family things year after year and, much as you may like them, they just aren't his thing. I can well understand that he has reached a point when he just can't do it any more. It's npt rude and given that (I assume) he has limited holiday time, he's entitled to decide he doesn't want it used up this way. You don't have to make up excuses to your parents, just tell them he doesn't go for that sort of holiday but the rest of you do.

I think a married couple have a responsibility to support their spouse and children in their relationship with their families. He should make the effort for you.

Only up to a point: it doesn't mean that you have to jump every time your spouse's family wants your company. I would say that OP's DH has done more than enough if he's been turning up to these hotel dos for years, and it sounds very much as if he has.

Adora10

I think you will it will be fact when she goes with kids and he is left on his own for four days without any family responsibility, that is not an assumption.

That may be the outcome but you don't know if it is his plan.

Marmite nothing to do with pride.

It's to do with strings. The old saying "he who pays the piper calls the tune" is exactly right.

The PILs pick the place, the time, the accommodation. They decide on the food, the activities, the timetable.

That may be the outcome but you don't know if it is his plan.

Well if he doesn't go then he plans to have four days child free no, fgs.

I feel very lucky that I have a partner who would not embarrass me like this

DH and I both feel very lucky that we, and our respective families, don't see not wanting to spend holidays with our in laws as anything to be embarrassed about

Adora10

Yes, that will be the outcome, but as the OP is planning to go its her plan, ffs.

Only up to a point: it doesn't mean that you have to jump every time your spouse's family wants your company. I would say that OP's DH has done more than enough if he's been turning up to these hotel dos for years, and it sounds very much as if he has.

He never went last year, she made an excuse for him and previous to that it's only ever been a long weekend. It's called family life and with four kids he's being selfish leaving his wife on her own with them; she's in a no win situation here through no fault of her own, they're not going to jail, it's a luxury break for their children, show a bit of appreciation no?

Having said that, if he feels annoyed or inferior because he can't provide the holiday then I do have some sympathy for him; but, nowhere has that been said by the OP, it's just a flat refusal, not what you do when you are in a family of four.

I could accept his decision if he was honest about his reasons.

BoneyBack

He's planning not to go on this holiday. Nobody has said, including Adora, that he is doing it solely to get away from the children.

if he feels annoyed or inferior because he can't provide the holiday then I do have some sympathy for him

I don't see why he can't suck it up for the sake of his wife and kids. Why does his pride come before their enjoyment?

FinallyHere - it's a 'few days' of a two week booking, not a fortnight

I accept that some people are team DH but please, there's no need for hyperbole

Adora - I agree with you.
DH has moved his mother into an apartment down the road! She's not a bad person, but extremely high-maintenance and hysterical. I deal with it because she is his mother and because he has done a lot for my family and would never complain about visiting them (even though they're in the sticks in Spain).

Yes, that will be the outcome, but as the OP is planning to go its her plan, ffs.

Aint you clever, you worked out the outcome - FFS yourself.

I still think it's about his pride here though.

Quite possibly Mad and that's more understandable to me.

Adora10

Then less of the fgs

Or do you work to a different set of rules to the rest of us?

You have an opinion, I have a different, get used to it, because thats life.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe

Adora has now stated several times that that is what she thinks he is planning.

I don't see why he can't suck it up for the sake of his wife and kids. Why does his pride come before their enjoyment?

I agree but male pride, ego, maybe he's traditional and feels he should be providing for his family and not taking hand outs, don't know but a flat refusal to go in my book is unfair on OP and does not justify him not going but perhaps he suits himself in all other aspects of their lives.