DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

I wouldn't make an excuse, I would go without him and tell my parents he didn't fancy it but me and the kids were coming.

No excuse needed, he just doesn't fancy it but thanks for the kind offer. You will have your parents to help, you'll be fine. At least there won't be any housework/food shopping/cooking to do so it's surely still less work than at home.

Would all the people on here saying he is rude, be happy to go on holiday with their in-laws year after year?

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them for a fortnight every year. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them instead of having our own holiday, either.

But I can certainly cope with spending a few days with them each year, which is all the OP is asking of her DH, and I would rather have a holiday entailing spending a few days with them than no holiday at all.

OP, it's not so much that your DH doesn't want to go - it's more that he can't really articulate why. I know 'I've done enough holidays with them' is a reason, but it's a pretty vague one, particularly as you've said he gets on well with your family. What exactly is it that he doesn't enjoy that he can't cope with for three or four days a year? The boredom? Does he feel as if he has to dance to your parents' tune because they're paying? Is he just embarrassed that they pay for everything, even?

Could you still have the few days away but maybe do it a bit differently? You said it was mostly sitting around and eating and drinking - if he finds that boring, how about suggesting that you have the few days away but take the children for days out on your own (doesn't have to be an expensive activity - walks and free, outdoor things could work) and then just see your parents in the evening?

We used to go on holiday with FIL, couldn't afford it otherwise. A couple of times DH went with kids and left me with youngest who was then a baby, which was a relief to me in many ways and meant I could go and spend a week with my mum and seeing my friends, with only 1 child to worry about. However, most of the time I went, and whilst FIL drove me crackers, I went and made the best of it for the children's sake. I think your DH should do this, unless he can come up with a good excuse not to, eg, he takes the opportunity to paint the house whilst the kids aren't there to mess it up. Otherwise it could well be seen as insulting to your parents.

Is there a reason that your DH doesn't want to go that you don't know about?Could you discuss it with him?
If he just doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it, would it be ok for you and the kids to go without him. It seems unfair for you and the kids to miss out on seeing your family and having a holiday.

Adora Livid? Selfish?

Really? [hmm}

OP's DH doesn't enjoy these family get togethers so why should he be forced to go?

I agree in an ideal world it would be nice if he would attend, and actually want to be there, but no way would I force my DH to go, knowing that he would be miserable the whole time.

I'm sure he can force himself to attend dinner at the inlaws ect, but holidays? I don't think so.

If you ever (god forbid) split up, you'd have to manage with the kids, wouldn't you? It's not impossible, especially if you have family around... let him sit at home and fester, just tell your parents he can't come (do they really have to have a reason?) and enjoy yourself!

I think it is unfair of your parents to expect your DH to spend part of his holiday with them every year. That "generosity" can be very wearying.

I have occasionally been on holiday with my adult children, much as I love them I don't want to do it every year, even if it is just a few days.

He doesn't want to go and has told you why. I gotta say, I empathize with him. The only holidays I ever get is with my in-laws and while I like them well enough, it's a lot of togetherness time doing nothing I want to do and still being responsible for all childcare.

If your parents will help out with the kids, take them up on it.

I don't think it is rude to refuse. It is a gift not an obligation.

Honestly, if I was in your DH's situation, I wouldn't enjoy it either. I probably could suck it up for 3 days but the whinging I would produce before and after, would be monumental. Spending 3 days with DH's family on holiday, watching them all in childhood roles, is not my idea of fun.

SenseiWoo says something really important in that when you are with your parents, you have to make a conscious effort to make sure you stay coupled. Him watching you as a young teen have a nice time with your parents while he feels like a spare part is not nice.

Both me and my DH were massively guilty of this behaviour - I think everyone does it when they go home to their parents. Visits are a lot better for both of us now we remind each other to behave adult-adult with our parents not all the parents like it but that's another thread and we remain secure as a couple.

Somehow, you need to have an adult discussion about it by creating a space where he feels he can say honestly what he feels and you are prepared to hear things you don't like about your parents. And together you create a solution after actively listening to each other.

I suspect your DH feels like your parents are a bit controlling and dosent want to dance to someone else's tune. He may feel that mooching off them for a holiday that he doesn't enjoy could be hypocritical and doesn't set a good example to the children.

If he's already done it numerous times I'd say he's perfectly entitled to say he doesn't want to go again.

You on the other hand could go without him, it just sounds like you don't want to. Do you want him to babysit whilst you sit with your parents chatting?

He's not being rude by not wanting to go on holiday with your family.

He is not being rude to your parents by not wanting to holiday with them annually. If it is as lovely as you say it is, I don't see why you can't go without him, taking all or some of your kids.

Another one on the side of your DH.
From the sounds of it he has tried these holidays and obviously hates them. It's not like he hasn't given it a go.

I think you need to talk to your parent's explain he is not really they type of person who enjoys big family holidays. You can ask if they would be prepared to help out a bit more with the kids so you can come and join them.

Yes really 19 Lotte, I would, it's 4 days max a year, he never went last year, I'd do it for my partner and children, it's hardly purgatory, it's a luxury place in the countryside, not Butlins.

Also the OPs siblings will also be there so guess he's snubbing them too.

Just my take, we are all different.

OFGS go without him. He gets some child free time, you get support from your family and the kids have a lovely time. Just tell him you're starting a brownie points system and at some point you will be cashing in yours. He'll get all the kids while you get a few days child free. Win win.

We used to go on holidays with my exH's extended family and the kids had an amazing time with theirs GPs and cousins. Don't deprive them of that.

I've never been on holiday with my DH and kids I always take them on my own

I cannot imagine anything worse than my holidays being committed every single year to my InLaws and family ... just because they are your family and you love them does not necessarily mean he does... and why should he be grateful for his InLaws deciding what you do with your holiday time... much as it's a lovely idea.. sounds like very controlling behaviour by your very wealthy parents...

go on your own.. with your kids and enjoy it.. let him do his own thing...

Go without him and let him make his own excuses to your parents - it's not your place to do so. I understand why you feel embarrassed about it as I had an ex who was similar and never wanted to get involved in family stuff, but this is about the kids having a holiday and spending time with their extended family. It's a no-brainer to me.

I think he is being a bit selfish tbh - it's a few days, it won't kill him. And I say this as someone who has holidayed with inlaws and found the whole thing exhausting; my son had the best time ever though so I'd do it again for him.

You need to be honest with your parents.

DH does not enjoy going on holiday with extended family.

And then go on your own with the children.

There is no way dh or I would go on holiday with each other's parents. We'd both rather stick pins in our eyes.

Just be honest with your parents and say he doesn't want to come and go on your own. It's perfectly reasonable not to have to always do holidays with parents together.

I wouldn't want to go either. If you have to make an excuse to your parents that goes beyond 'oh, he doesn't really fancy it' then that might indicate something about why he doesn't enjoy it. I don't understand why you can't go on your own if you want to go.

I have holidayed with both my ILs and my parents and found it really hard work. I do enjoy going away with my sister but I'd have to be pretty lacking in empathy to not understand why both our DPs cry off those trips. It's not personal, but the dynamic are off.

So you're giving him 4+ days holiday where he has the advantage of being at home but beholden to no one.

Tell him he can have his 4 days holiday, but you get 4 days holiday immediately after. You'd like Venice, but will be happy with Paris....

If he's not prepared to take over after your stay with your parents, to allow you to recover, then he has to come with you so you both get an equal break - that means that he does as much as you do. No lying in bed every single morning for him, while you take the children down to breakfast and make them play quietly until he emerges at 11.....

I'd be gutted if I were you. But I'd go without him and leave him with as many of the kids as I could. Does he not value family then, what a shame.

I like Life and Jux's takes. Go without him, and tell him that in return you'll want your own 4 days of down time without the kids. Whether he takes them to his parents, or does something else - that's up to him to sort. Time on your own is a luxury in my book.