DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

Whatever he thinks of your family, it's hurting you (it would hurt me).

Also means he gets four days out of family life to do what he likes whilst you have to struggle on with four children.

I would happily spend a few days on holiday with the in-laws every year. You lot must have some really horrible in-laws to think that that's such a huge deal.

OP in your situation I would just take the kids and be honest (in a tactful way ) with your parents. I know it's not ideal, but it's better than lying and depriving yourself and your kids a nice holiday with your parents/their grandparents. Go and enjoy it!

You lot must have some really horrible in-laws to think that that's such a huge deal.

My thoughts exactly - and no you don't have to think your in-laws are amazing but they are doing a pretty amazing thing for your kids.

I don't see why he's rude or selfish to not want to go. Declining an invitation is not rude and you don't need to give a reason. You can presumably go without him so the children will get their break and you will get to go on holiday with your family.

I am in a similar financial position (very well-off parents, skint myself) and I do find the 'charity' nature of these invitations a bit wearing and honestly, slightly humiliating, although it depends on the attitudes of the ILs I guess. I refuse almost all of them now, as I find it too stressful (both the actual time away and the expected grovelling gratitude afterwards)

If you have to make an excuse to your parents that goes beyond 'oh, he doesn't really fancy it' then that might indicate something about why he doesn't enjoy it.

I think this is spot on. If you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you can't tell the truth and have to make up lies to keep up appearances, I can imagine your DH spends the whole vacations on tenterhooks in case he inadvertently exposes one of your other lies or pretenses.

From what you have said so far, OP, I don't think your DH is being rude to your parents. I do, however, wonder at your relationship with your parents if you feel that you have to make up an excuse for him. No matter how kind someone's intentions, if the receipient of their actions is not comfortable with it, they should, in general, be able to say 'thank you, but it's not really my cup of tea'.

I don't know what your DH's reasons are but personally, I really value my annual leave and am not prepared to spend a significant amount of it doing something that I don't need to do and which I really don't enjoy.

Whole vacation, he never went last year and the OP is only wanting him to go for 3-4 days - I doubt the OP wants to make up another lie for him so yes she should be honest, I would and tell them he simply does not want to go but I'd make damn sure I had four days to myself just like him when I returned.

It's a few days ffs. It's not as though it's his entire annual leave. I don't see why he can't suck it up for the sake of his children and his wife.

I have gone on two holidays with my in laws. I would not choose to again. I go to stay with my family without dh and with 3 children from when they were babies and on the train as I don't drive. I don't resent dh or make excuses on his behalf. I get it.

In this situation if you feel you cannot cope with 4 children and 3 adults on hand then you will have to persuade your dh. But really you should try going without him, I am much more relaxed when I can spend time with my family not having to worry if dh is happy or not.

You lot must have some really horrible in-laws to think that that's such a huge deall

I think it's more the case that there are significant numbers of women on here who have difficulty socialising - with anyone.

I was surprised at first how many - but actually it makes sense that such types would gravitate to an online forum.

Yes I think he's being a little rude but do you not think he could just be embarrassed and he's had enough of always having to admit that he can't give their daughter what they can. My husband wouldn't be overly happy taking a hand out from my parents. He would, rightly or wrongly feel a little humiliated. So why I see your point may be think about how it's making him feel!

My husband wouldn't be overly happy taking a hand out from my parents. He would, rightly or wrongly feel a little humiliated. So why I see your point may be think about how it's making him feel!

Yes, I would be more accepting of this rather than a simple I do not want to go.

I said a significant amount of my annual leave and 3-4 days would be a significant part of my annual leave. There are plenty of things that I would not enjoy doing for that length of time and wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary.

I think it's more the case that there are significant numbers of women on here who have difficulty socialising - with anyone. I was surprised at first how many - but actually it makes sense that such types would gravitate to an online forum.

Well, you seem quite the charmer..

I like my parents and I like my in-laws. I would not choose to go away for a few days with any of them.

I also have close friends that I would never choose to go away with.

Why force yourself to do something you don't want to?

I don't think he's being rude at all. You're not joined at the hip, go without him

Has it never occurred to you that maybe DH feels embarrassed that the only holiday his family can afford to have is one paid for by his parents in law? That his wife's parents are still doing and paying for things that by now he and/or you as a couple should be doing? Maybe he feels totally uneasy about that.

Maybe your parents really are lovely but still make innocent remarks about things that he takes personally, to do with finances. Maybe he feels less of a DH when you are with your family. My DH is close to his family and until recent years it was like he reverted to being a child around his parents, even after we were married and had our own DCs, they were definitely in charge/control and I did feel tired of all the in-jokes and family reminiscing.

Might it make him feel ashamed that he can't provide these experiences for his family from his/your resources. A few harsh responses here I think.

If he could articulate why not to you then I might have more empathy...

We go on a fair few holidays with in laws and I have suggested to my DH that we slow down the rate - but I can articulate why and compromise.

Quite frankly i think for a few days unless there are major issues he is being quite selfish to your children who would probably appreciate the change of scene/a holiday.

If you have to make an excuse to your parents that goes beyond 'oh, he doesn't really fancy it' then that might indicate something about why he doesn't enjoy it.

Ilovecaindingle
Go on your own and leave a big list of unfinished jobs he can have done for you getting back!!

Yes, punish him like a fucking child.
You don't want to do what I want to do so you have to do this instead.

He isn't stopping the OP from going, he isn't stopping the children from going.

He just doesn't want to go.

I have been on holiday with friends and the saying "Hell is being locked in a room with your friends for all eternity." seems like it when its just a week.

I wouldn't want to stay with my parents for more than a couple of hours, let alone a 3 or 4 days with In-laws.

Plus op, uou say "I'd do it for him" which indicates to me you know exactly why he doesn't want to go, but the fact you do, is overriding it.

God some of these posts make sad reading, it's your family and yes that includes your inlaws, sils, bils, cousins, the lot..........I feel blessed that I could actually, not just manage but actually enjoy a 4 day luxury break with my family.

Well, you seem quite the charmer

Judging by some of the last few posts on this thread, he/she isn't far off the mark!