Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

Oh and deadsouls I agree with your last post.

And OP, I really do understand why this has upset you, the tough talk is because posters don't want you to be upset over this guy, and nobody wants you to to through this. It all comes across as a little harsh, but it's not exactly intended that way.

I hope you can see where we've tried to come from

Oh dear, I have not " thrived " or got kicks from any of this...quite the opposite in fact

Oh god, this just reminds me of a boy I went out with when I was young, I went out with him for two weeks when I was sixteen and he was eighteen and I dumped him.

He then literally stalked me for over five years, constantly asking me out, trying to socialise and be friends with my father, having his mum ask my friends about me (small town) , leaving the girl he was with in a bar once and following me into the ladies loo to ask me out, he even went so far when I was about twenty or twenty one to actually ask my dad to ask me to go out with him. Whenever I came home from uni he'd turn up at my door.

My father felt so sorry for him, told him I didn't even live there any more and he couldn't make me go out with him. None of us really knew what to do about it, my father was kind to him but totally bewildered with it and eventually had to tell him to stop coming round. Sometimes I think the parents are put into awkward situations where someone who has a crush can try to use them as leverage. My father was just being nice to him, but ended up having to deal with an awkward situation for many years. 😞

I think the first half of this post we can all relate to op. I know I've been there. You get with someone, it's all amazing and happy etc (although I do agree with others that spending a few days with his family so soon into it is abit far fetched) Then they turn into the 'c word' and we don't know what to do and it hurts like hell. I totally sympathise with op there, it's awful. Especially when they go nc on you and all you want to know is what's going on and if they are ok. It's so easy to come across as needy and pathetic but the twat has treated you like crap, he doesn't realise what he's actually putting you through.

BUT then you finally get the answer from them that it's over. This is where I struggle to understand the op with the going to collect clothes part. This is where you need to get a grip op no offence. There comes a point where you have to realise that it's done, that's it, no more. I don't think you are at that point yet. If I were you, I'd leave the clothes. Let him have to get rid of them. But yourself some new clothes. And just put this whole thing behind you. Saying you are going to collect them then needing space the clear your head, letting the weather clear up etc is all just excuses. It's just dragging it all out. Why would you even want to go back to that house after what he's done? Why would you want to face his mother when you hardly know her yet her son has done this to you?

Well I for one am happy to read as long as shenry wants to post.

Not sure how this turned into a misery competition, surely it should be about helping, not competing. I, personally think that short intense relationships can be harder to recover from than much longer more "stable" ones.

You ok today shenry.

Well my eyes have been opened, whenever anybody asks for advice on a situation I will say nothing for fear of being told to stop " competing" never knew anyone shouldn't share similar experiences and talking about pain and upset without it being seen as a competition

Who knew ?

Magpie, I think you've been friendly and supportive.

Me too sparkly of I wasn't aware anyone had turned it into a pity competition, I actually thought sharing experiences to explain your pov of back up your advice was what this forum was for. Silly me my mistake, think I'll retire from this post now, it's all got a little tedious and bitch anyway patience is here now with all the pearls of wisdom needed, so I'll leave her to save the day.

toyd - thanks for that :)

I honestly can see how some of my posts may have come across, and I know at points you can probably pick up on my frustration. But I genuinely wouldn't ever want a woman or man to feel pain like it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone

I've always found especially with friends or ( I work in a fantastic little pub where it's like a whole other family for me ) tell me their stories and situations and how they dealt with things at the time and what happened afterwards, it's always helped me and I find it great to see it from the other side.

I wish sometimes people would have told me the hard honest truth or told me to pull myself together rather than bombard me with sympathy or agree with everything I said, because I found more times than none thats what doesn't help me.

Everybody is different and nobody should be a sheep and be the same, but I do feel it's sometimes good to take a different approach, you've got all bases covered and you can decide what you do with it.

I have been too invested in this thread, it's brought back my own skeletons and emotions but I really feel for anyone who has been through something like this whatever the situation, and I'd say it's the huge majority.

So I do apologise if I've caused offence, it's not been intended at all but yeah that's just my two pennies

TGI it is a shame when things go abit downhill, and you're accused of turning into something that was so far from it.

Don't blame you for retiring, no doubt I'll stick it till it possibly ends

See you round TGI but do drop in

And ladies and gentlemen, I think it's safe to say, that if none of us cared, so many or us still wouldn't be here

I have been in this situation in my late teens and it was awful at the time. We were together a few months and he did have some issues due to his previous girlfriend committing suicide and he found her. We weren't at the I love you stage but things were pretty good and there was no pressure from either side but the day before I was going on holiday he just disappeared. It was awful as we didn't have mobiles or anything, no answer from his house. I couldn't get him out of my head as there was no closure etc. Eventually about 6 months or maybe longer after I saw him and he spoke to me and told me what had happened, it was an understandable reason but no excuse for not writing or telling me before.

I think posters have minimised your feelings and that's not fair, even if you were a 15 year old school girl if it hurts, it hurts. FWIW my DH and I said I love you before we'd even been on a date, we had a baby 9 months and 2 weeks later and have been together 12 years now. A month to have those feelings is not unbelievable and I totally see why you feel like you do.

I have often given boyfriends that second chance or at the least tried to and it's never worked but we all do it and hindsight is a great thing!

I too have got very caught up in this thread it's bought back alot of upsetting feelings and Itake made me wish I could go back and change my history.
I've felt really crap thinking about it all last few days so I think if other posters feel like me it's probably just been a bit frustrating giving someone advice and it's fallen on deaf ears a bit .

I think it's more just embarrassing thinking about how I felt back then. Admittedly I wasn't ghosted or anything, but when that memory came back about taking the clothes to her house - I felt like such an absolute idiot for weeks after. I'm cringing now writing this as I remember it exactly in my head, the exchange, how I thought it would go and how it did go. Looking back all that family that day were talking to me out of pity I can see that now, they'd all moved on from me being in their life ages ago.

So for me, I'm trying to tell OP that she will undoubtedly feel exactly the same as I did at the time and a few years on, the same as I do now. I just feel embarrassed about my pathetic behaviour. My clothes are quite expensive but even now if I broke up with someone I'd let them keep them. Let them have a constant reminder I was around (if they didn't throw them out!)

OP, I feel for you. At the end of one of my past relationships, the guy in question said some vile things to me and then went quiet, and it all felt devastating. I waited for a week to see if he was going to offer any kind of explanation for his behaviour. When it didn't come in that week, I went through my house shoving every one of his damn things into a bag. I waited for a day I knew he was going to be out, and on that day I drove an hour to drop his things off (he too lived with his mum). During that time I had a few brief words with his mum, collected the things of mine that were there, and dashed off before he had the chance to get home. My heart was thumping the whole time in case I bumped into him, and not with hope.

I understand how someone can dread going to do the drop off, and yet feel they have to do it anyway. Packing up his stuff had felt liberating; driving down there with a mixture of fear and excitement felt like an act of courage; handing his stuff back felt like I was underscoring the anger I'd felt at the way he behaved. I felt like I was taking back control, and yes I could also have taken back control by popping to the post office, but it wouldn't have felt the same. I went because I knew that seeing that door close literally behind me would help me to accept that it had closed emotionally as well. I don't expect everyone else to be able to relate to that, but I did have that moment of poignancy, going there one last time, saying goodbye to a place with good memories, and doing that I think helped me to take a step forwards.

So I get why someone else may not want to just forget the clothes, or ask for them to be posted. Where I think you may need to be careful is that by texting multiple times after he's said it's over, by setting different dates to collect your clothes and therefore prolonging contact, you appear to be moving into harassment territory. He may be feeling it too, which is why he's arranging to be out when you come. I realise he's been a dick, but he's got cold feet/has scared himself/whatever and wants to be alone now. And even though he led you on, he has a right to not have contact with you for no other reason than he's changed his mind.

I want to collect my clothes to get some form of closure. Then I can finally accept it's over. I'm not saying that any of your experiences are better/worse than mine. When you've been hurt, it's sucks big time regardless of how long you've been with that person. I feel so stupid because I raved about him to everyone, how great he was and how happy I was and now all of a sudden he has done a runner. I miss him terribly but I know I need to move on. Yes I have been hoping he would change his mind and I have been tempted to ask him if we could give it one more shot but I haven't. I told him I wouldn't be picking my stuff up because the snow and ice was awful yesterday which he would know and that I will get them next week. He didn't even read it. I will collect my things and then I will walk away.

I thought you wanted to pick them up because they are expensive / favourites?

This is not going to give you closure.

You will look back on it and CRINGE that you dragged out an emotionally made up need for getting your clothes for 2 weeks after he flipped you off.

If it is "open" because your things are at his, then posting them would be just as good.

How do you think collecting a physical item (and going out of your way to do so) will give you emotional closure?

I agree as much as anyone you are going to cringe so much at yourself in the future OP, but it's all falling on deaf ears I feel. You'll do what you're going to do but it's no coincidence that a huge majority of people on this thread think it's a mistake.

When someone is hurting from a relationship ending, - as you are - the only person who knows the best way to deal with it for them, is the one hurting....and that's exactly what you're doing. That way you learn what to avoid in the future. Stay strong.

Just a thought, what both his mother and sister said possibly gives some insight into this man's character. Something about you being the best girl he had had...from the mother. And the sister threatening to kill him if he hurt you. Sounds like he has form, and once you're some distance down the road, you may see that you've dodged a bullet. Good luck.

Shenry it is time that will solve this for you - hang in there & keep busy and doing fun things with nice people.

I disagree lookforme - when you're hurting like this you blunder about trying to make yourself feel better & then in retrospect can't believe what you did! Whether its hoping/trying to see them or sending (hopefully as few as possible) pathetic messages.

OP when you look back on this you need to forgive yourself for all that & resolve not to get so invested so soon again. I found that a painful breakup enabled/required me to be very circumspect the next time. It takes a long time to get to know someone - at least months - don't let your feelings run riot until you are more sure of them next time

My point exactly ocelot.....and that's the only way we learn, blundering through. Everyone else's experiences are just that...theirs. Of course it's helpful to hear about others, but unrealistic to expect the OP to act accordingly. Almost everyone has said they behaved in the same way OP is doing, when it happened to them, but at the same time expecting her to behave differently. Advice is fine, expecting someone to act on it is not. She has to do it her way to learn. I always think of the old adage "You can't put an old head on young shoulders"

Ah I see lookforme :) :) :)

Re what mother & sister said...reminds me my ex's good friend hugging me on first meeting & saying meaningfully "I hope we see you again..."

I never even thought about his mum and sisters comments right enough. He has been single for two years after a 5 year relationship ended quite grim. I just wish he'd told me about Edinburgh. I knew he didn't like being back here but I didn't think he was planning to move either.

Oh shenry25 do you really believe he's moving to Edinburgh!

My ex told me he'd been single for 18 months before me.... over time he conveniently dropped in names of all these girls he'd been seeing before me!

Turns out, he hadn't spent any time really actually single, he'd been seeing people throughout the 18months....just didn't class any as relationships.

I say I've been single for 2 months because I genuinely haven't been seeing anyone or having sex with anyone.

Men are full of absolute shit, don't ever believe the crap they spout!

It's harsh to say but he didn't love you....why?? Because no one who says they love you, completely cuts you out of their lives like that!

My ex told me he loved me throughout, yet ghosted me! Who does that??

He felt absolutely nothing for me & unfortunately your ex didn't feel anything for you....it was convenience at the time, you know, tell you what you want to hear!

I know that's brutal but sometimes people need the cold hard truth....you need to see him for what he is....an absolute wanker who will probably already be seeing someone else by now.

People like him don't change! Just be thankful you haven't been left pregnant by him....you had a genuine lucky escape, shame my ex took 8 months to show me who he is.

you'll struggle with this for a while but eventually you will get over him.....you'll always remember but you'll choose to ignore it.

Do what you need to do, go to his house, speak to his mum....this is a part of the healing process.