Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

[therootoftheroot]

Shenry...how old are you?

[LesisMiserable]

Fair do's. Whatever he's watching must be pretty engrossing if he's forgot the love of his life though.

Come on OP, wise up, seriously.

If he's been kidnapped I'll stand corrected

[SparklyMagpie]

OK he really is ill, he's Ill enough to put your password into Netflix so he can watch it but he can't send you a message AT ALL

[SparklyMagpie]

Why don't you ring his mum!

[TheGiantSausage]

I don't think this relationship is too good for you actually Op, it's clear you wanted everybody to say you were just over thinking and he's just under the weather and still very much in love with you.
The only person that can reassure you about your relationship though, is him.
If you aren't confident enough in his affection for you to just assume he's unwell and will be back in touch (and not worry and check his last online time) or comfortable enough to ask him if you're doubting his feelings, I'd suggest it has moved too quickly and isn't quite at the stage you've both put it at yet.

[shenry25]

I did hope I was just overthinking, I'll be honest! Like I said, he was in a lot of pain and was taking a lot of painkillers. Yes he should still reply to me, it doesn't take long. I am confident to ask him what's the problem but at the same time if he isn't well, I don't want to sound like a nag either. I'm just a bit jumpy because my previous relationship was so up and down and I've been expecting this one to be the same. I'm not excusing him not replying and I will be saying to him because I don't want to have to put with that in another relationship all over again.

Ringing his mum is a step too far! She's on my Facebook but that's enough lol

I'm 26 and he's 29

[QuarterMileAtATime]

Hmm. While the speed at which you both have moved into the relationship would be a red flag for me, some people do go off grid when they're ill. I would send something like:

"Hope you're feeling a bit better. Here's something to cheer you up:"

and send a funny picture or video or something you think will make him smile.
If he doesn't respond to that (blue ticks or no blue ticks) by this evening, he is at the very least being rude and dismissive and I would change the Netflix password.

[shenry25]

Good idea QuarterMileAtATime. I know I don't bother with anyone when I'm ill

[Songbirdthatsings]

Why don't you message her casually and ask her if he's OK?
If you'd spent a few days with him beforehand and he was in agony it wouldn't be out of character to message her and ask how he is doing as you don't want to disturb him while he's ill.
Personally I would ask the question and then don't contact him. If he wants to get in touch then he will. But if he's got time to go on Netflix but not text "I'm OK speak soon", it doesn't bode well usually tbh.

[HotNatured]

Reading your comments, OP, it doesn't come as any surprise that you are quite young. You have come to MN seeking advice but you are not accepting it. You motive was clearly to have us all back you up that he loves you still and is simply incommunicado. Experience tells me that this is probably not the case.

I also met someone a month ago, he has declared his love for me and is talking about where we will live together. I am quite frankly horrified and it's killed any attraction for me. As a previous poster said, this behaviour demonstrates that someone has intimacy issues. The guy I'm seeing does NOT love me (I am pretty fabulous so can see why he might 'think' he does ) but seriously, he doesn't know me and I don't know him! It's simple infatuation, and that I'm afraid to say wears off.

Sometimes it turns into genuine love, but conversely, it can turn to boredom or even a lack of attraction once the rose tinted glasses fall off. Change your Netflix password and stop being so passive. He's well enough to watch Game of Throwns or whatever but not well enough to communicate with the woman he loves? get real OP

[HotNatured]

Thrones

[shenry25]

I did think about messaging his mum but that might seem a bit much. I do just want to know if he's ok honestly! I know we moved so fast, I wasn't expecting to, it just happened! I agree that if he is well enough to watch Netflix, he is well enough to text me back. I get that! I'm hoping that it does turn into genuine love because we are great together but only time will tell.

[HotNatured]

Well I hope so too, OP, but I would brace yourself that he may have had a change of heart.

[shenry25]

I know that HotNatured unfortunately! I'm looking on the bright side that he hasn't broke up with, changed the status, but I'll see what happens

[rumred]

Facebook status means nothing imo. Change the password, get on with your life and don't trust someone before you know them. Words mean little. His actions speak volumes. He's treating you like shit

[Kidnapped]

"I'm looking on the bright side that he hasn't broke up with, changed the status, but I'll see what happens"

You sound so passive, OP. And desperate to have a relationship. Any relationship.

You can actually take control, you know, rather than sitting there waiting for him to inform you if you have a relationship or not.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Go round there with some soup. He's your soulmate, why on earth wouldn't you? Because you are scared to go round there and face facts.

• Immediately dump him for not communicating with you. If he wants you back, he'll jump into the car and come round to yours.

• At the very least, change the Netflix password to FuckOffSponger.

[FinallyHere]

I think that if i were visiting someone i had inly just met, who was suffering and just sleeping off pain killers, I would want to give them some space to recover. What we you doing for a week, while he slept off painkillers? Just wonderin'

[Twiterati]

Oh dear! You really do not know this person at all Op. You may have spent an enjoyable Xmas with him and met his mum but it only takes a minute to phone someone even if you feel desperately ill. Especially as he must realise you know he's watching your Netflix. He probably doesn't want to dump till he's finished his favourite series. It's possible we are all wrong but experience tells us otherwise. If he was that into you he would be communicating in some way regardless of how ill he felt. If you really were the best thing to have happened to him he would be scared of upsetting you.

[TheGiantSausage]

I do not agree with the 'it isn't official until it's on facebook' rubbish. I don't think the fact it's on facebook is a particular commitment to you to be honest, I know people that are in and out of facebook relationships willy nilly, I know people who put up facebook relationships to prove something to their ex/the world and I know a lot of very committed couples (me included) that dont have a relationship status on facebook, don't cling onto that as proof that all is rosy.
Also, is he dealing with his illness or just taking pain pills? If he's so ill, he literally doesn't have the energy to text, maybe you should be with him to help him out and suggest he speaks to his gp.
I'd either call him and check he's okay/what's going on or get on with my day/week and assume he'll be in touch when he's better. I wouldn't waste time worrying about whether he still likes you. Worrying about it won't change it.

[Hermonie2016]

You don't know him! Way too much investment at this stsge.
I'm not sure you will listen to us but please don't take that he loves you seriously, likes you, attracted to you, but not love.
You can only love someone when you know them and you don't know each other.At best you like each others looks and personalities.

You know nothing of his character or how he reacts in different situations.Slow down!

[LesisMiserable]

I would say he's slowed it down somewhat.

[BlueNeighbourhood]

I would say he's genuinely sick and probably hasn't been in contact because if these painkillers are that strong he'll be asleep and wiped out.

It took me and DP six months to say I love you and we've known each other three years beforehand. I know however that when she's ill she'll tell me (she is now actually) and she won't just disappear.

It's all too much too soon for you guys, you're expecting constant contact and that can't be sustained forever as much as you both may want it. He'll be in touch when he's better.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I've been with my partner 3.5 years and my status on facebook is still 'separated'
I would certainly not be putting myself in a 'relationship' after a few weeks.
Well not even after a few years.
I'm a cautious person after being burnt in the past!

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

OP, we can't provide you the reassurance you are looking for, for two reasons. One, we are not him and he, as others have said, is the only one who you will believe one way or another. Secondly, the majority, me included, see this as him withdrawing from you. This may be totally, or he may be slowing things down. It takes seconds to respond to messages. He is not too ill to operate a keyboard and sit upright to watch breaking bad, so he is not too ill to be polite and respond to you. This is not how you treat someone you love, or even really want to get to know especially in the early days of a relationship. He is telling you something about himself here. He goes hot and cold. Do you want this to be your reality in 6 months? a year?

I have been in a scarily similar situation, although I was much more needy than you and handled it terribly. Trying to hold on too tight meant that i just made it easier for him to walk away and he was going to do that anyway.

So my advice. Get amazon prime instead, call your best friend up, go out, leave your phone behind and try to forget him. If he wants you, he will contact you. If he doesn't, then spend your time with people who value you. Dont waste your time the way I did. Its that simple.

[shenry25]

He has a lot of problems with his back so it plays up from time to time! Up until now his actions and words always added up. I know I don't know him that well yet, I'm not completely naive. We still have a long way to go yet. He's not a sponger. When it comes to paying for stuff, he spoils me rotten. It was his suggestion to put the status on Facebook and it was quick I'll agree but I just went with it cos I was so happy. I do agree that it has to slow down a bit and I don't expect constant contact. Just a check in to make sure he's ok that's all.