Brave Babes - Barging through 2017 in style

[SweetLathyrus]

Hello, I'm SweetLathyrus (Sweet for short), and I've been hopping on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus for three years now because, like some many of us, I struggle with alcohol.

The Bus is a supportive community at all stages in their relationship with alcohol and with lots of different goals - for some, it's abstinence, for others it's moderation, for others, it's just about getting a bit of control and perspective.

So, if you think you'd like to join us, don't be shy, flag us down and jump on board and share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with; sometimes there will be silliness, but there will always be help and support.

If you would like to know how the Bus first rattled into action, here is the first ever thread

And if you would like to know where we have been more recently, here is the most recent thread

Morning all. Can someone give me a slap? I had one lots too many last night and I am so sick of this. I hate being this person.

Not going to give you a slap Mip, going to make you a and give you . Remember the wise post on forgiveness and go easy on yourself.

No slaps from me Mip, just a pat on the shoulder and a reminder that today is brand new.

Today will be better. Thanks Margie and Lux.

Thanks, luxury. Yes, I will share on here as I go through the process, if that's ok.

Mip we all totally understand how you feel. Be kind to yourself today.

If it's any consolation, I just went to the fridge to get out stuff for lunch and found a half-eaten/demolished Boursin (first world problems, anyone?) I'm normally really neat with packaging. This had been savaged - torn apart. Yep. Not one iota of a memory of it. Blackout. That's what I do: I get pissed and then binge eat. No idea until I gingerly come downstairs in the morning and find sweet wrappers or whatever ... horrible.

My life is quite scary really. I mean, it's lovely on the surface, but the alcohol dependence has been chipping away at me for years. The fear, the anxiety, the horror... my DH doesn't know the half of it as I've hidden some of the worst episodes.

Speaking of which, we're watching a series via Amazon at the moment and when they did the episode recap at the beginning last night there was a whole chunk of the previous one missing from my memory.

This is why I'm getting ready to stop. I'm actually quite a reasonable and intelligent woman, except when I drink. Enough!

It's kind of easy to sort of hide I too have found, Elf. I am aware, however that I have been the standard bearer for pissheadery. I expect a lot of people I know who drink too much think, oh well it's not as much as Easy, so that's ok. I know that in the family I am seen as either, The One Who Got Away, or the Mega Screwed Up Pisshead.

I haven't read all your posts, Elf, but what happens when you don't drink? It is certainly one thing to be scratching the walls and have bottles winking at you and to be able to think only of the next drink. My life was consumed by food, or lack of it for about 20 years. It is another thing to be without alcohol, shake yourself to bits and sweat and sweat. I had a friend who shook and shook. At the time I knew nothing about dependence and I didn't know how very, very ill she was. She went through detox and rehab time and time again. Sadly the combination of alcohol and a severe eating disorder got the better of her. She was 33.

One of the things I am prone to worrying about is having all that time on my hands. Suddenly there is all this time to do stuff instead of hiding in a bottle and feeling like shit in the morning. I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I probably still am. It's all a bit new and shiny, this relative sobriety.

Hello lovelies,

Am only checking in- yesterday was another shitty one but I've pulled myself together. Ds may just live to see next Christmas (maybe)
I still have some crappy cystitis type thing, probably very run down- see what healthy eating and getting sober do to you???

On the plus side- I'm fine. I do love or will at least visit him in prison, which is where he is most likely headed. Do they take yr 2 boys?
The baby is adorable. She's in her cot , under a snuggly duvet having a big whinge. But it's so cute- baby protest, waiiiiiillll, mum, mum, sob, waillll zzzzzzz

Hi shook. Because I regularly have blackouts, the key worker recommended I do a medical detox. But I've never experienced massive withdrawals - partly because I never get to three days off alcohol (72 hours in is the most dangerous time). I do get a tremor in my hands sometimes, and sweaty, and once my younger DD asked me at the school gate (in the morning) "why do you smell of wine, Mummy?" I hadn't been drinking in the morning - never have - but had had plenty the night before and gone to bed very late. Awful. Horrible.

I also have had eating disorders for years - firstly anorexia in my teens (triggered by bereavement and my (I now realise) narcissistic mother) - and then binge eating disorder. Nowadays I eat very sensibly during the day - not restricted, very well-balanced, but when I get drunk I go completely off the rails and want ALL THE THINGS.

So - it's clear to me that the alcohol needs to go!

Sorry to hear your day was rubbish yesterday, guggeheim. (That's one of my very favouritest [sic] places.) I hope today is better.

???!

shook = EasyToEatTiger
guggeheim = guggenheim

sorry!

Elf you sound ready for it, to me. It's going to be an amazing journey. I'm very interested in your progresss. I went to AA for a while when I first stopped drinking and I needed the support. I wasn't a massive drinker but it had got way beyond my comfort level. After some time I stopped wanting to go but it made all the world of difference & broke the feeling crap, have a drink, feel guilty, have a drink cycle.
Getting support wasn't scary, I wasn't a freaky bench drinker and all the women ( most of the men) were just nice ordinary people.

I've had a kip and am feeling much better. I apologise for all my posts being me, me, me. Lots of love to you all.

Just for today, I will not be drinking ( because I've promised myself a big treat if I make it through to the weekend)

tiger I love your descriptions and comparasions- yes I think we all do the 'I'm not as bad as Aunty pisshead' thing. There also seems to be quite a connection between disordered eating and drinking. For me it was all a way to self destruct ( in the past )

You won't be bored when you stop drinking. You'll be bloody knackered and need lots of lovely deep sleep and after a while you find out how exhausting drinking is. Actually, that's just me, you're probably a spring chicken of 25. : )

Elf, I could have written one of your previous posts. I have big blackouts too and only discover what crap I've eaten/who I've sent a drunken message to in the morning. I've had amazon packages arrive with no recollection of having ordered them. When I was much younger I woke up next to blokes whose names I couldn't remember & didn't know whether I'd shagged them or not. Shameful but true. Like you, I hide the worst from DH and I think he's pretty happy to be in denial about the rest of it. I always told myself that when my DSs were old enough to remember me drunk then I'd cut down, but they're 4&6 and I haven't kept my promise.

Guggs, I also went to AA for while and met some of the most inspirational people there, it was such a safe haven. I had the most wonderful sponsor who told me that I could only really commit to it once I hit rock bottom...and that I hadn't got there yet. The thing is, I don't want to have to get to rock bottom in order to really sort myself out, I want to properly sort myself out before that.

Same here Margie

I'm clinging to the possibility that I just need to pull myself together and grow up a bit, then I will be able to have one or two and leave it at that. However it's not looking like it at the moment. I absolutely do not want to reach this "rock bottom" stage as it sounds deeply unpleasant, I would much rather sort it before then.

I'm guessing though that as those who do get to AA meetings are often those who haven't sorted it out quietly by themselves, sponsors don't see those people so much? So it could be confirmation bias rather than "this won't happen?"

I've done things like that too Margie. The feeling of shame and horror is so present even now when I get pissed. I have known for a long time that my eating disorder was nothing to do with being thin, but to do with not wanting to be there at all. For some reason I remember asking my dad when I was very young, maybe 6 or so, why I had been born. My childhood was chaotic, disguised by middle class jollity.
Eventually the eating disorder was clonked on the head by Prozac, and for the first time in my life I felt sort of real.
Are you being treated for your eating Elf? There was a thing on Womens' Hour today about grown women and eating disorders. It's a big thing to realise how crap your parents were. My dad is still odd, and complete rubbish at dealing with vulnerable family. I was told by my mum's social worker that he was co-dependent.
I have been drinking long and hard for a very, very long time with only very few breaks.
Please, please, Elf, keep forgiving yourself and try to be the friend to yourself that you are to other people.

I think I have drunk to disappear.

In bed with hot water bottle. At least I will be AF.
16 days out of 18

Tiger you are SO eloquent.

"I think I have drunk to disappear." This made me cry.

My childhood wasn't chaotic but it was love-starved and affection-starved and I think I drank so that someone would love me. I stupidly thought I was more appealing when drunk. And the "middle class jollity" disguise - absolutely my case as well.

16/18 is fantastic ma hope you feel better soon.

When I was young in saw myself as 'wild' and adventurous, as I grew up in started to hate my by now destructive streak. Now I'm much older, well, time to grow up.

Evening.

Some really raw but touching posts today. Stay strong everyone, I'm heading for an early night too, and hoping for deep sober sleep.

Sorry about the typos, hope you got the gist.

Evening all, checking in. Bosies to all.

Have not enjoyed last couple of days, beezer of a sair heid. Still do. Got cocky, thought I could manage no sugar, no wheat, no caffeine on top of the no alcohol.

Weak, wobbly, jittery and ill trickit. Don't know whether to ride it out or just have a cup of tea.

Felt so shit and bleary yesterday. Was crossing the main road out of the city. got to the central reservation, looked down and saw a worm. I couldn't bear for it to be run over. Picked it up, carried it carefully over to the garden on the other side.

I stood at the bus stop for 5 minutes, then checked it was okay. Switched on batphone torch for a closer look.

Reader - I saved a broken elastic band.

Ha ha!!! Oh I'm sorry 😁

A one woman charity- save the elestic band. You could call yourself 'twang' and follow posties around, looking sad & collecting lassie bands up in padded envelopes.

What were you thinking, you total loon???? Who gives up tea and sugar and alcohol and wheat???

Oh god, I'm going to be laughing at the saved elestic band for weeks!
Love to you, but do have a nice big cup of tea sometime soon 😁

Bless you guggs, I know. I'm past help. But I'm now on a mission. Come hither little bendy bands. I am your saviour.

Still feel really bloated, upper abdo very puffy, I've never been fat between boob and waist. Below? Oh yes. Lurk on the back? Yup. I thought I would be extra healthy and cut out all the shite. Bad move.

Detoxing everything is not a great plan. I could really go a jaffa cake.

I saved a broken elastic band😂😂😂😂

That's cheered me right up after 2 nights no sleep with sick DC.
And will cheer me up all day
Hope all are well and dubh I definitely agree cutting everything out will make you feel awful and might be a route to drinking if it all gets too hard? I admire your willpower though

What's ill trickit?