Brave Babes - Barging through 2017 in style

[SweetLathyrus]

Hello, I'm SweetLathyrus (Sweet for short), and I've been hopping on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus for three years now because, like some many of us, I struggle with alcohol.

The Bus is a supportive community at all stages in their relationship with alcohol and with lots of different goals - for some, it's abstinence, for others it's moderation, for others, it's just about getting a bit of control and perspective.

So, if you think you'd like to join us, don't be shy, flag us down and jump on board and share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with; sometimes there will be silliness, but there will always be help and support.

If you would like to know how the Bus first rattled into action, here is the first ever thread

And if you would like to know where we have been more recently, here is the most recent thread

hope get all of his stuff and the vile brew out of your space, never mind the ironing board etc. Dump in all over his office in the most inconvenient places- chair first. Cover the floor up too. Then make your office a beautiful wb free zone. Maybe hold some kind of cleansing ceremony. (Voodoo doll, pins)

ma I'm so sorry. Any chance it's just a blip? Is he going to meetings? Sorry love.

elf I bet it's a positive session and that you come away feeling happier.

42 that is very interesting about intruding thoughts. I know that I watch crap tv / exercise / try to do crafts because otherwise my brain just whirls. When I get tired I get miserable. Always happens at 9.30 and lasts for half an hour, it's something I just have to live with when I'm sober. I can laugh about it now because I understand that that is how my stupid brain works.

What's your luxury today lux? Go on say it's thermal tights 😁

sweet that's it exactly : if you can't feel then you can't change. Wise words.
smallfox at least we can all face up to it together. Odaat

I'm bound to bugger this up but big wave to margie and elba and mip and tuger and to the lovely venus

and to add to today being shitty, we have a scheme at work that pays for new glasses etc, up to £120 a year. Had an eye test on 31 Dec and glasses are ready today, Jan 12th.
I paid £70 knowing I would get it back. Except I won't as they count the day I had the eye test not the day i get the glasses and 31 Dec was in 2016, the day before the new allowance started!
I needed that £70 for food and petrol until payday!

Elf good luck this pm. Your self awareness and clarity of thought are amazing - stay strong, stay brave and let us know how you get on.

Oh Ma I am so so sorry. Hope as always puts it brilliantly and better then I could. Thoughts are with you. And you too Hope - shitty day indeed. Maybe cheer yourself up by 'dropping' the home brew down a drain somewhere. Hope the boiler bill not too heinous.

On no ma I am sorry to hear about Richard drinking again . He has been a story of inspiration on this bus and it must be devastating for you to think after all that he is back on the bottle. For 3 and a half years he did win a huge battle though and lived a very different life. As hope says, he pulled through before. Try not to use this as a green light to throw in the towel, his journey is not yours. You, I believe, are about to make a new personal best today. Hang in there sweetheart

Elf good luck with your 1:1 today babe.

Elba your post was very insightful. The assumption that not drinking will fix everything and then feeling cheated and even shellshocked when emotionally the roller coaster still runs its own course and there is no break. It's not just the drinking either, it is all the mental energy involved in the planning, debating, remorse that occupies the mind, allowing other issues to get pushed aside. Be especially kind to yourself today and maybe put in that application for reducing your hours.

I am definitely feeling the 'what is the point of this?', my healthy eating has dissolved, my exercise hasn't begun, i can't make a decision about anything, I am still avoiding intimacy with dh and I haven't even cleared out a drawer . This is when the ww starts to says to me 'fuck it, who cares, let's just chill'.

Today is day 12, I really want to finish January despite it feeling like it is light years away. Deep breath.

hope I am waiting for the punchline of the 'how do you disconnect a single a single radiator' joke

Spanna hello flower, work sounds so difficult, trying to do a good job with less and less time and resources. Thank goodness you have a beautiful beach retreat for the soul

Love to everyone of you whether you are having a smashing day or a crappy one. Keep on trucking babes xxx

Elf hope it goes well, I'm full of admiration for you.

Seems like everybody is having a crap time, Ma I don't know the back story about Richard but I'm sorry that you have such a worry.

Goodness, so many of you, this bus is speeding away and I can barely keep up, just know I read all posts and cheer you on if I don't mention you.

Intrusive thoughts, yes these plague me, my anxiety is better for 11 AF days, but I think I mentioned I have had a lot of people around me die in the last few years, young, old, sudden, close, some shocking and I keep having intrusive negative thoughts about some of those people which upsets me as thought the world of them so why focus on the odd row or cross word?

My bloody mind, wish I could switch it off.

Hope everyone is keeping warm.
My luxury today - I am going to have a lovely picnic type dinner (low carb) and make myself a fancy mocktail.

Afternoon.

Hope is WB for real? Present him with an invoice for half the boiler repair . DH and I (who get along well) share an office at home, but his shit/clutter in there drives me insane. Keep up the good af work though.

Elf hope your one-to-one goes ok.

Ma that is awful. Do you know what the trigger was? Is he at a point he can accept help? It doesn't mean it is hopeless, just that we can't ever let our guard down.

I'm definitely beginning to feel a bit more even. Looking back to the last couple of years, this is another danger point for me - feeling calmer - looking for reward. So I am being extra vigilant this year; unlike previous years I don't have any severe underlying depression, and work is busy, challenging but not toxic, so hopefully that will help.

Back of out for a few hours, catch you all later.

Sweet I have requested half the money for the boiler repair, no fear. Whereas before I would have just paid it. If he can find money to help his multi-millionaire, mean as Scrooge sister pay for his mother's new bathroom (yes, really!) he can pay for repairs in the house he actually lives in.

Sorry, missed that we were on a new page, so apologies for the x-posts.

He had done so well. Living independently, back on his hobbies of stamp collecting, local history. Had been on holiday to Greece and loved it so started learning Greek and yet another language ( he is a brilliant linguist) and then went back to Greece to train to teach English as a foreign language with a view to settling out there. But he got offered a job doing that in China for very good money. He has lived and worked in China before and speaks Mandarin and Cantonese so they snapped him up. And I think it was all too much. Go to Greece?Go to China? Either way he would have to give up his council flat and have no where to come back to if it didnt work out. His flat is very very rural and he doesn't drive so is alone most of the day. The demons got back in. My mother suspected, he had been avoiding people, particularly her because he is ashamed at letting her down. Again! She is devastated.

Oh Ma what a shame. And he sounds so accomplished - linguist, historian, traveller, teacher. Just goes to show this rotten disease can hit anybody. I truly believe being alone a lot is not good for the soul, (despite having days where I wish my family would all disappear and let me read a book in peace without asking me where their socks are or what's for tea). Does he have any friends nearby that can keep an eye on him?

ma so so sorry to hear about Richard 😔 Hopefully you've managed to catch the problem early enough to be able to tackle it?

Oh God. I had the urge this afternoon in the shop to grab a bottle. It's only because my bus came that I didn't queue up and get it. I really hope you are OK Elba

I will catch with you all soon. I have the SNOW and need to get the fires going. I can't feel my feet anymore!

Thank you all so much for the hugs and lovely posts Spent today in bed 'hibernating', which is something I only ever do after drinking and despite the hangover it's been quite nice Have to go to work in a bit though and feel a bit sick about it. Will be fine once I get stuck in though.

With the intrusive thoughs my huge fear is I will go the same way as my brother. He got up one morning for work, kissed his partner goodbye and instead of driving to work drove to a station and that was it. No warning signs apart from some mild depression which the GP was treating, no note or messages, nothing on his phone or computer to show he was planning anything. We will never fully understand what went through his head that morning, and that terrifies me. It's become a sort of secret phobia that I can't really admit to in real life.

I'm going to try and plod on though. This is day 1 again, have some beer left over though that I know will tempt me in the morning but can't bring myself to get rid of it. Will get the ball rolling next week with work- have to sort out keeping my Tuesday mornings free anyway for counselling as they only approved six months. Scared of admitting that things aren't great, as always manage to keep up a front at work, but it's getting harder to do. GP happy (keen!) to sign me off but desperately want to avoid that if possible.

So sorry, very self absorbed post I know. Thank you again for all your support and hugs. Hope you everyone's ok this evening. Xxxx

We just have sleet here mint you keep warm, I hate having cold feet, hot bath always warms the bones.

Elba Hope you managed to get some rest, wish I could hibernate for real.
I can only sympathise with your feelings, an old friends son did very similar as your brother leaving them baffled and devastated. If your GP thinks time off would benefit you would you consider it at all? I understand that is more time with your unwelcome thoughts though.

It is freezing, cold weather makes my mouth dry but I'll have to make do with the fizzy water until the thirst passes.
Keep safe and warm babes

That wine witch don't half sneak up on a Babe.

Stood in the kitchen contemplating a gin and tonic - I went in to get a cup of tea. It was almost overwhelming, the voice saying "It's ok, you've not had anything for 12 days, you can have just one". And here is where being aware is so important, I heard the voice and stopped, instead of mindlessly acting on it. I had to stand taking deep breaths for a minute, but it did work. The moment passed.

Mint, stay warm!

AF, day whatever. Am bored, too early to go to bed.
Almost two weeks of dieting, exercise and no alcohol and don't seem to have lost a pound. Really dispirited.

It's not easy Ma, but you will see results, bodies are complicated things, they don't always respond the way we expect. Perhaps your shape has changed? Focus on inches not pounds. And don't you have a birthday coming up? Mouse too?

Sweet, I hear you babe. Wow, she's a crafty WW. Really struggling tonight after a deceptively easy run to date. I'm bored and the reality is kicking in. And I am sick of eating effing judgy puritanical Ella whatsit's sweet potato and black bean stew. It was yummy, about two weeks ago. The quantity is endless and the freezer is bulging. I want sweets, wine, crisps and some fun. Grr.

But oh Elba bless you. I can only imagine the terror of that phobia. You poor, poor love - are you speaking to anyone about it and if not (and far be it from me to suggest it) might it be an idea to do so, do you think? Hugs to you, lovely one.

Have you made snow angels and snow pups, babes with white stuff around? Am a bit envious but also very aware of the inconvenience. Stay safe, blizzardy babes.

Can we go out to play? Please? Otherwise I am left with dull Ella, flat lemonade and Jessie Burton's the Muse to read, which I loved at the outset but it's gone all pointlessly worthy on me. Shall I finish it, anyone who has read it? Rhetorical question, I know I will finish it - but will it get better again?

Someone distract me? Pleeeease?

Birthday on Saturday. Don't know whether to drink or not that day...

We've just got sleety crap here, nothing to play with unfortunately, family are cold I'm having hot flushes and could happily go sit in the garden.

Everyone seems to be struggling today in various ways don't they?

Stay safe and warm, I want to put a fan on.

Small, I couldn't deal with food at the same time, I'm just getting to the point where sugar cravings are diminishing, so maybe next week . If you want distraction watch Spy in the Wild on BBC1 now - baby elephants are so cute!

I want snow, just sleet here too, Lux (caveat: I only want it for one day, then it can go away and Spring can get its ass in gear )

Ma you don't have to decide that now, but it will be harder to get back in the swing of DJ now if you do - mind you, you're better at moderating generally a lot of the time.

I normally have two sugars in my tea. Since I've gone dry I've noticed that I don't need sugar. Is that a thing?
Last night was a really crap sleep too.
dementedma It's takes a while for the lbs to come off. My coach at the gym says focus on the inches. You'll get there.
My luxury today was a lovely purple vase in the charity shop and a really deep hot bath.
I'm knackered and just watching the end of Sherlock before lights out. I was up at 5.30. 😕

Oh Elba, I'm so sorry about your brother, that is so so tragic. I can totally understand how that would affect you in every way but you are not him sweetheart and your struggles are not his. Please don't be afraid, you are in control of your life and your destiny, even if it doesn't feel like it now. We are all here for you.

Ma, I'm so sorry about Richard, that is such sad news. Don't get dispirited, you have done so well these last two weeks and it will be paying off even if you can't see the results yet.

Sweet, well done on beating the WW. Sweet 1, WW 0.

A bit boring and bored here too but too knackered to really react. Got a v challenging Saturday coming up - lunch with Aunt & Uncle who won't pressure me to drink if I explain I'm doing DJ but dinner with my neighbour who definitely won't understand DJ and will try to get me to drink wine with him. I'm thinking of faking illness so I don't have to go as I'm not sure how strong I'll be if he starts insisting.

Sorry to all of those having a tough time right now, you are all amazing babes and I'm proud to be on the same bus as you all.

Well done babes for sticking at it even when the going is getting very tough for some.

We are well over a third of the way through January and almost a half. Who would have thought we had it in us eh? We are tough, we are united, we are kicking that ww to the kerb!

Ma - oh bugger Hopefully he will decide to stop again and stop for good.

For those having a little wobble I have an observation. When we are drinking we really, really want to not be. When we are sober we really, really want to not be

So pick a side. Either drink or don't. But don't dither around in the middle because that just leads to unhappiness and self loathing. Hope that makes sense x