2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

They make their own beds, ale, but we are the ones who have to pick up the pieces. I can totally sympathise. DC1 went to their dad's yesterday for 2nd christmas day, phoned me 3hrs later to say dad's drunk (he has a drinking problem) please come pick me up. DC is so conflicted about seeing him/not seeing him over the rest of the holidays and I am trying to guide and not influence but it's bloody hard when I want to wring DC's dad's neck. And I know their dad will minimise and want it brushed under the carpet. These feckers, they get to just step in and step out as they please. We are the scaffolding for our kids, not them. It's their loss, but it's upsetting to see how unconcerned they are by losing this. Solidarity and

[rant over]

what a PRICK his is OP....

Pony sorry to hear your ds has a useless father too. It's so hard for them when they feel the loyalty and want to love them but they make it so hard.
I think my dc have put up with a lot over the three and a bit years we've been separated and they've copped admirably with being thrown into a whole new family.
But I generally feel this could be a turning point in their relationship.
Still no words from him to either them or me this morning.
What is he thinking? That's what I'd love to know.
Is he just allowing them some time to cool down and then he's going to approach them again? Has he given up on them? Or does he genuinely just not know what to do?
Who knows. How long will he leave it?
I'm feeling a little uneasy about maintenance payments at the moment. That's a way he could take it out on me.

Ugh he’s so ridiculous! Of course they buy you gifts if you’re the one spending Christmas alone. They probably made an extra effort because they’d be at their Dads. He’s like a child! Counting Facebook likes? Wow.

Sadly you can't make him the parent you want him to be. He was always this selfish man but I expect your efforts masked it to some extent. Your DC are realising this, and will adjust their expectations. I'm sure he loves them, and they him but (as always) you will be the parent they rely on.

Re the CM. If he reduces/stops it then contact CMS/a lawyer. I know you have wanted an amicable arrangement but if he is moving into this type of controlling behaviour it is best to nip it in the bud. Will save you hours of headspace and anxiety and also is a good example to your DC (if it comes to it) that women don't need to put up with this type of behaviour from (ex) partners.

How are things now, ale, have the DC heard more from their dad?

The dc finally met up with their dad on Sunday morning at a local place.
I told them to make sure they said their bit which they said they did.
I think there were a lot of tears from all concerned although I don't think it's sorted by a long way.
He still tried to make them feel guilty and put it all on them but they stuck up for themselves from what they said to me.
I think he's has perhaps finally realised that they have n hiding their true feelings from him for a while. Hopefully he will do something to address that but I'm not holding my breath.

Your children are a credit to you and your level-headed parenting which you've maintained despite their idiot father! Wishing you all the best in 2020.

It's so hard. My exdh announced to my kids that they were meeting his girlfriend (who was the OW) on Boxing Day. They were v upset and one refused to go. The others went. Sounds like it was a painful day. I have no idea why he thought that was the best day to do it.

So just as things were calming down here - WE GOT THE OFSTED PHONECALL TODAY!!!
Aaaghhh! Wish me luck!

Good luck!

@aleC4 your bolt out of the blue thread was one of the first threads I read when I joined mumsnet. I've followed your thread ever since, I can't remember if I've commented (think I've namechanged) but I just wanted to say how fabulous you are. Literally you are like total mum goals. Your children are a credit to you and it's just amazing how you always put thm first.

I remember how broken you were at the beginning of your first thread and you've come such a long way. Me and my husband have had issues and I'm still not entirely sure how things are going to go. I've obviously been terrified of the thought of separating but whenever I do think about it, I always think "if it does happen then I want to be like aleC4 "! I know there'll be other people that feel the same too. It's really really sad how your ex seems to be bothering less and less with the kids. But I'm glad they have you, and with your love and support they will know for sure that his disinterest isn't a reflection on them - it's all on him. It's totally his loss.

Much love to you

Wishing you all the best with the big O!

The way you've coped with super twat and twatess, had your kid's backs and took all of the upheaval ie. renegotiating mortgage etc in your stride, OFSTED will be a piece of piss.
Thinking of you
You're a
Good luck. Mx.

We made it out the other side! Thanks for all the good wishes.
It went well for us but was extremely stressful. I don't really do stress, I'm a very calm person by nature but the headache I had on Tuesday was out of this world.
The weekend seemed to take forever to come and now it's gone!

I remember your original thread. You are all doing so well now, even if your ex is being a prize prat. Your kids are being very mature and are clearly comfortable talking to you about it. Well done on the Ofsted too.

Well done ! Hope you have some stress-free time ahead for recovery.

Realised I haven't updated for a while after the shock and stress of ofsted!
Things are ticking along nicely here at the moment. No more flaring up of the upset from Christmas and I think, dare I say, exh is trying to make a bit more effort when it comes to the kids.
I hope he has realised he was being a complete dick!
We've got one more week left at school now until half term and I feel really ready for it. We've all been ill and I just feel exhausted at the moment - tired but happy though.
Ds has his school show coming up this week so looking forward to seeing him in that.
We've got some bits and pieces planned for half term but hopefully a bit of chill time too.

Hi aleC4

Hope your all feeling a bit better.

Sounds as though half term is arriving just at the right time for you. Enjoy!

Thanks we have all recovered ready for half term.
We have quite a lot planned between us so hopefully we will actually get time to relax!
Interestingly I'm meeting ex mother in law (exes step mum) for coffee on Wednesday.

I have had a lovely lazy Sunday today.
All kids rugby cancelled due to the weather.
They'd dad picked them up at lunchtime and I've just chilled all day. So lovely not to have school work to do on a Sunday night.

Hi aleC4,

Pleased that you’re all feeling better.

I think it’s good to have a lazy day every now and then and how lovely not having any school work to do.

I realise the weather has been pretty grim for some of us over the last week. I’m looking forward to the lighter evenings and hopefully some sunshine. I do hope the weather improves over this half term week 🤞

Hello everyone, not sure if anyone still reads this but I like to post every now and again and then look back over how I was feeling.
Things are going well here.
Kids are ticking along nicely. We had ds Parents Evening this week and he got a great report, I’m so proud of him.
Work is going along the same as usual although everything is all a bit up and down with the will we or won’t we close business!

I've followed you since your first thread and occasionally posted under different names and check regularly for your updates. It's wonderful to see how far you and the DC have come since then and I'm glad you and the children are doing so well. How did the coffee with ex MIL go?