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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 02/12/2019 12:54

I don't think he sounds depressed, I think it sounds like when the going gets tough he bails. It seems like he cannot be bothered to keep his relationship with his children alive and well because obviously it is harder now and requires real effort, planning and sacrifice on his part. It was easier when he lived with you all and had you supporting him Op, now he has to do it on his own. Unfortunately so many Dads seem to take the easy way out and just become so bound up in their 'new' family that they lose their own children. Also, it comes across Op that you are much more emotionally intelligent than your Ex, so it is no surprise that you are the one who is aware of and meeting your DC's needs. I think you sound like a great Mum.

EnglishRose13 · 03/12/2019 19:54

I've just read the two threads and they've really had an impact on me.

I'll be following your story from now on.

aleC4 · 03/12/2019 22:41

Thanks everyone for your lovely replies, I feel quite embarrassed by some of your comments!
@Minionmomma I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same shit we have been through. It has been a long journey but I feel very at peace with my situation now. If you need my advice to just to rant, please feel free to pm me.
Dc are at their dad's tonight and I have t heard anything from them other than the usual did you have a good day stuff, so I'm hoping all has gone smoothly tonight. I'm sure I'll find out in the morning.
Ds got his latest assessment tracker from school yesterday and he's doing really well. I am so proud of him for achieving so well when he's had to deal with so much.

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Minionmomma · 03/12/2019 22:59

I’m so glad you are at peace. And your children’s profess, I honestly believe that is testament to how amazing a mother you are. Xx I hope you have a wonderful Christmas the three of you xxx

Minionmomma · 03/12/2019 23:00

*progress

aleC4 · 07/12/2019 08:07

Looking forward to a nice Christmassy weekend.
As previously mentioned dc are not seeing their dad this weekend so we are going to sit all the decorations out and chill out together without anyone having to pack bags and rush about here there and everywhere.

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IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 07/12/2019 12:44

Sounds lovely, I bet the DC will love this weekend with you.

aleC4 · 07/12/2019 22:42

Ex has tried to scupper our lovely weekend but he didn't get far!
I was out today with friends from work. He messaged the dc while I was out and said actually he could see them tomorrow after all!
They want me to ask what to say! Well I wanted to say tell him to F off, we have made plans!
But of course I didn't. I said they could make the decision and of course they could see him if they wanted to. They both said they wanted to stay with me and do the tree etc. I said maybe they could offer him a couple of hours.
So that's what they did. They said we had made plans but they could see him between 2 times. He told them he would not be back by then and the timings didn't work so it's back to as you were.
I hate that he thinks we will all just sit at home in case he calls when they're not with him - far from it! We always plan stuff!

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Weenurse · 08/12/2019 01:39

Random question, how did you and DS go at SW?
You have come a long way.
Be proud 💐

user1493423934 · 08/12/2019 09:04

Love hearing your updates Alec4 hope you have some nice weeks ahead.

Turnedovernewleaf · 08/12/2019 22:27

Hi aleC4,

Have followed your threads from the start.

I hope you thoroughly enjoyed putting up the tree and sorting the Christmas decorations with your children.

So pleased that the plans didn’t change.

Take care

1Wildheartsease · 11/12/2019 07:53

Glad to hear things going so well! Your hard work and selflessness at the beginning have really paid off: children sound to be secure and happy despite all that has happened. Someone put them first despite all pain and other distractions.

Do they get a choice about spending Christmas (or is it only their father's choice that counts? ) I can imagine that they might prefer to be where they are a priority!

aleC4 · 17/12/2019 22:14

I've told the kids they have a choice.
I've told them that I think it's fair really to alternate christmases but that I would never force them to go to his if they really don't want to.
They know they would be welcome in this house with me 24/7 if that's what they chose.
I have however said to them that if they think they are mature enough to make big decisions like that, they are also mature enough to talk to their dad about it and explain their feelings.
It has to come from them, not me.

OP posts:
aleC4 · 21/12/2019 07:59

School/work is now finished. It's been a long half term.
Now finally time to relax and enjoy some family time.

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aleC4 · 24/12/2019 08:08

I had such a lovely surprise this morning.
We are doing stockings this morning as the kids are off to their dad's at 12 until Boxing Day.
I came down this morning to find my old childhood stocking that my mum made filled with presents for me that they had bought with their own money.
They were so thoughtful and had taken into account lots of my favourite things.
I am feeling so blessed right now.

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ponygirlcurtis · 24/12/2019 08:32

That's absolutely lovely, ale. What amazing, thoughtful DCs you have. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas time and tomorrow is ok for you. Merry Christmas. Xmas Smile

aleC4 · 24/12/2019 12:09

Thanks.
The dc have just been collected and I will pick them up Boxing Day morning.
I'm actually fine about it. It's not my first Christmas Day without them and it won't be my last I'm sure.
I will have a nice afternoon/evening today and day tomorrow with my parents and my sister's family.
It's only a day. It's just spread Christmas out a bit more. Stockings today then their presents from me at my parents on Boxing Day. Then we've got a family day with their cousins on 27th.
I'm actually looking forward to it.

OP posts:
aleC4 · 26/12/2019 19:16

Exh has royally pissed me off tonight.
A couple of years ago we stopped buying presents for each other off the kids as we agreed it was a waste of money. He didn't want to spend his money on me and ditto.
For the last two Christmases the kids have not given presents to either of us.
This year, completely off their own backs, the kids decided to buy me some gifts and put them in my my old stocking that I had as a child. It was a lovely gesture and I was really touched.
I posted about it on FB.
I think exh must have seen it as my sister tagged ds in it.
Tonight he has sent the kids a really horrible message to their what's app group saying how hurt he is that they haven't bothered to get him anything for Christmas, not even a card. They are more upset and feeling guilty about it. I got cross and told them under no circumstances must they feel guilty. You y promote presents because it means something, not out of guilt. Dd replies sorry but I thought we weren't doing presents.
Ds replies and brought up another thing that exh has had a go at him about this week.
Exh is not happy. He said let's face it you didn't fine me one single thought this Christmas. I am fuming. Ds wants to reply more but I've told him to leave it and not run out time here.
I am so tempted to send him a message saying how dare your arms abusing messages to two young kids but I've left it for now.
Not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
TeamLannister · 26/12/2019 19:37

He's reaping what he sowed. So I'd tell him that. I think he's lucky they have anything to do with him at all, nevermind buy him presents ffs! (I've been following your updates but haven't posted before).
Jesus but he's a prize twat!!

aleC4 · 26/12/2019 21:37

I'm so cross.
We've played a game tonight with my mum so I've managed to distract ds from sending any more replies that he might do in the heart of the moment.
It's just really annoyed me that rather than addressing this yesterday when they were with him he chooses to wait until he knows they are having a nice time with me and my family.
I did say to ds just delete the what's app chat group but he said no because I want to say more when we get home,

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Uncompromisingwoman · 26/12/2019 22:02

Have followed your story from the outset aleC4 and it's always great to read about your progress.
The situation with your kids was totally predictable from the outset. Men who demonstrate so little care / concern for their children alway end up alienating them once they become old enough to see what is happening. And awful as it is for him to intrude in your family time, at least your DC get to express their feelings with a supportive loving parent - rather than have to bottle up their feelings?
Wishing you all the best for your next good year Flowers

Zofloraqueen27 · 26/12/2019 23:25

Hello AleC4. I’ve been with you from your very first post and have posted a few times. Your exh is showing, once again, what an utter failure he is as a father.

It was lovely of your children to have bought you little presents they knew you would like. They are showing how safe, secure and happy they feel with you. They did not have to be reminded - it was a spontaneous kind thoughtful action.

Both of your children are getting to the age now where they see what is really going on and see how their father single handededly broke up their happy family life.

At best he has tolerated them, tried to make them into a “blended family” with people they did not like. He has hardly ever put himself out for them and now he is behaving like a petulant child.

There was absolutely no need for him to be so entitled over his lack of presents. I am sure if your children felt as loved and cherished by him as they do with you they would spontaneously done the same for him.

That they did not speaks volumes. He us simply reaping what he sewed and he doesn’t like it. If he cared for his children he could easily have brought it up with them in their next visit. He could have simply said he was rather hurt not to get anything - after all no one is really entitled to a present. They are given as a token in a loving relationship. We give presents but should not expect to get one back.

No doubt your sad ex feels his awful parenting has been shown up via your FB post......well it has! In the words of Connie Francis “Whose sorry now.” and it serves him right.

I am sorry his barbed petulant behaviour has upset you and the children. Enjoy the rest of the holiday and let’s hope he is realising what a sad person he is now. I hope you all have a very Happy , Peaceful New Year.

aleC4 · 27/12/2019 08:21

Thanks everyone, I know you're all right.
It just made me so cross that he had to approach it when they're here.
Luckily they haven't swelled on it or let it spoil their time here. We have my dsis and her family coming today so the dc will have fun with their cousins.
I was so tempted to message him last night but I'll leave it for now. However if he sends any more I may not be responsible for my actions!
He said something weird to ds when he took him out for his birthday about being disappointed that he never liked his pics on fb, only mine! I mean how old is he?
The dc are fuming and don't really want to go to his on Sunday. I've said they sing have to but I think they need to have it out with him. Apparently he did the wire is me act yesterday and went out for a long walk on his own. Good. Hopefully he's feeling really guilty. I can but hope he's finally realising what a shit dad he actually is.

OP posts:
aleC4 · 27/12/2019 21:31

We've had a fun day today. I talked to my sister and brother in law about the messages and they were horrified. I haven't told my mum and dad much because they get so anger and then my mum wants to talk about it for hours!!
The dc are chilling in their rooms here at my mum and dads. Dd came in a few minutes ago and showed me a message she'd just got from her dad that said what are the plans for Sunday?
She is adamant she won't go to his on Sunday. She said she was going to send a message saying I'm not coming because I don't want to see you right now. I didn't like the way you spoke to us yesterday.
I told her to speak to ds first because if they are of the same opinion they need to show a united front.
I'm not sure what's been said yet as they've stayed in their rooms and I've been in the lounge with my parents. I don't really want them to know anything is going on.
I'll shortly be going to check on them and see what they've sent and if they have had any response.
I can't believe how stressed it's making me feel. I don't really do stress or anxiety but I can feel a real tightness in my chest, I'm clenching my teeth which I always do under pressure and I feel very uptight.
I'll be glad to get home tomorrow, we'll have a chance to talk properly and regroup.
If they have sent a message saying they're not going I was half expecting a snotty message to me. I know he'll try to make it my fault. Yeah sorry for being the better parent, the one that actually cares about them.
God I hate all this shit, why can't he just be a decent parent?

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aleC4 · 27/12/2019 22:21

So checked with the dc.
The message has been sent, opened but not replied to.
God knows what he's playing at.
No message to me thank god.
I'm hoping he's upset and trying to think what he can do to make it better before he replies. I'm hoping against hope this is not him just giving up and not even bothering to fight for a relationship with his kids.

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