2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

I am glad that things have come together for you.

There is something sad about an ending after so much history-even when it is planned. I think -if you are human- you have to grieve a little. (Especially when tired and caught unexpectedly)

It is good though that you have such a promising future and love-filled present. These things are well-deserved!

All best wishes for a good week at home and at school.

Hello!
It's finally half term and I have a week to chill.
It's my birthday on Monday and I have a few bits and bobs planned for the week but Audi some down time.
The kids got a text from their dad yesterday to tell them he had proposed to the witch - perfect Halloween timing! 😂
I feel fine about it actually but keeping a very close eye on the kids.

Happy birthday! Hope you're having a great day.

How have your DC reacted? We have a very similar timeline so I can relate to your journey.

I think remarrying is just crazy given he has just divorced.

There are so many threads with women going through the same situation that it is worth a public health campaign.."Your DH may turn into a twat when he reaches midlife"

Absolutely agree @Techway!

😂 @Techway that made me laugh.
You are right though, it seems to be happening more and more.
Dc have not had much of a reaction to be honest.
They are not particularly happy about it but are not surprised.
Dd said she will never, ever refer to her as her stepmum because she has a mum and doesn't need another one! 😉
Ds said he is dreading the actual wedding day but doesn't think it will change much about their day to day life.

Lovely to see you update us. I have followed tour journey (I'm a regular name changer). Very weirdly I was wondering about you the other day then came across this.
You really have come so far. O honestly think you are so much better off without him. His new life sounds chaotic and frankly a bit shit with his seemingly regular job changes and her unruly kids.
I think you've ended up with the far better end of deal.
Onwards and upwards.

Thanks @Fabatfortysomething, I feel the same.
His life does appear very chaotic and over crowded and there is no routine to anything.
My kids loved the fact at first that they could stay up until they wanted abs eat loads of crap but it suu I don't take them long to realise that it wasn't as great as it seemed.
They need routine, structure and a place where they feel safe and secure. That's what they get here.
At first I worried that I was the one always nagging them, the one stuck with the 'everyday' and not all the treats.
However now I don't feel like that at all because they and I know that my home is a much nicer place to be.
Sometimes it's hard being the one who does 90% of the parenting but I'm glad I do, the dc have a good life and appreciate what they have.

Reading your latest post (and just like Fabatforty I too have been thinking about you lately and wondering how you all are) I am delighted, but not surprised to read you sound so well and in control.

From the very start I have always been so impressed at how you have cared for your children through your breakup. This cannot have been easy at times, especially in the early days when you were struggling to cope with your Exh’s horribly selfish behaviour.

You have made a very safe place for the three of you and you are so right when you say they have a home where there are boundaries and routine and this is why they have come through this so well. Well done you!

I think his decision to remarry is his way of trying to establish some order into his chaotic lifestyle but we know this won’t happen.

aleC4 I really hope you find happiness for yourself and not just for your children. You are an amazing lady and I am proud of and for you. Please keep posting - it’s lovely to hear how you are all getting on.

aleC4, I hope you don't mind me joining your thread so late in the game.

Having just had my 'bolt out of the blue' a few days ago, I have been trawling mumsnet for similar stories to give me strength and thoughts of how to get through it.

Yours have been an inspiration. Not just your posts and your strength, but also the phenomenal support, shared stories etc along the way.

I'm taking note of so much advice, practical ideas and emotional support - I have a thread myself, and finding it very helpful, as although I have some wonderful RL friends, it is easier to be 'rawer' here, and draw on the strength and warmth of so many wonderful women.

I have a feeling that part of my journey is going to play out a bit like yours, so there is an element of 'forewarned is forearmed' in my thinking now.

I am so, so sorry you had, and are still having, to go through this, and as much as anything just want to add my cheerleading and support to that of other posters.

xx

These are for you @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies 💐. Good luck.

Thank you very much, Start.

Thinking of you @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies
Sorry to hear you have been shoved into this shitty situation unexpectedly too.
I'm glad you found done support from my thread, it has been invaluable to me over the last three years.
I have had some amazing advice and I just like to come on and vent sometimes!
I had a tricky night with dd on Friday.
She text me from upstairs saying she had been thinking about her dad getting married and she really didn't want it. I asked if she wanted to talk about it so she came down.
She was in tears and really upset. We had a long cuddle and talk. I explained that she didn't have to be happy about it just because he is and that hopefully he would understand it is a difficult time for them.
It's not so much going forward that bothers her as nothing will really change, but the day itself. She is dreading it.
I said it a was a the right thing to do to go, but that I would never force her.
I said I would pick them up afterwards and bring them home.
I think it is the only topic of conversation at her dads at the mo and she's finding it all too much. She doesn't like ow much and that doesn't help.
I hope I said all the right things, she seemed happier afterwards and has been ok since. I'm just glad that she can talk to me about things.

What a lovely relationship you have!

@pog100 it doesn't always feel like that! She can be very difficult! But I guess when it matters we have.
It's not like her to open up like that but she obviously needed to talk.
She has text me tingly from her dad's to say thanks for the talk the other night.
I've made certain she knows she can talk about anything, anytime.

This week has been a hard one.
The engagement announcement has thrown the kids but u I take more than that.
Every year around this time they start to get tetchy, short-tempered etc. I know it's because they realise Christmas is coming.
They hate the split Christmas and still find it the hardest part of our family situation.

The ups and downs are exhausting. I really relate. How do you plan to spend Christmas?

It's exh's turn to have the dc for Christmas Day this year.
They will go to his Christmas Eve at lunchtime and I'll pick them up about 10 on Boxing Day. Then we will spend 3 days or so with my family so they will get some nice chill time.
I was going to stay at home for Christmas Day to save me driving to my parents so many times but they really want me to go.
I was invited to my bf's house but my parents say it's not the same!

I think exh is slowly losing the kids. Everyone can see but I guess he has no idea.
He let ds down last Sunday for his hobby and asked his poor dad to step in at the last minute. I could have done it but he wouldn't have asked me of course, it's 'his' time!
He told ds he had to catch up on sleep which ds didn't believe. Then he let it slip later he had been out with ow. Ds, of course, said nothing 😡
Now he has told hi he can't do it again next Sunday. At least I have notice to organise it myself this time.
Ds is beginning to see him for what he actually is now and I don't think it will long before they both stop wanting to go.

It's sad for children when they suddenly see their DF failing to measure up and realise their DF doesn't put them first, but ultimately it's better they see this now rather than growing up with rose tinted spectacles and continuing to make excuses for his behaviour. Luckily your D.C. have you and your family where they know they are loved and cared for and not continually let down.

They are there today.
They have the opportunity to see some of my family in a couple of weeks on a Sunday and really want to. He told them when they got there today that he can't see them at all next Sunday! Well that opened their opportunity! He couldn't really argue about them missing his time when he's just dropping them whenever he wants.
It means from now until 17th December he will see them on one weekday night a week from 6.30 until they go to bed so about 12 hours in the next two and a half weeks!
There was a time when he would have asked me if he could make up that time on different days but no mention this time.
He appears to have lost interest altogether.

It's sad when a parent fucks up what should be the best, purest, most enduring and satisfying relationships in their life, those with their children, but they do and it's their loss. It is of course also a loss for the kids but luckily, in this case, they have a lovely thoughtful emotionally intelligent mother to make up for it.

Thanks for the kind messages, I'm just so glad I can offer them a safe, secure, loving home so they don't grow up totally screwed up.
Ds was messaging me tonight from there totally fed up.
Ow's kids were driving him crazy and being really horrible. They were supposed to be all putting the tree up together but it ended with her two having a massive row as usual and ruining it.
The best bit is, exh went out with ow to get away from the arguing! Talk about facing your problems head on - not! So instead of staying to stick up for his kids and try to sort it out he bailed as always.
I think he's just turned another screw in the coffin of their relationship.
It makes me sad because he used to be a good dad. He always thought about them and did loads with them when we were together.

Jesus! Do you think he's actually depressed?
Not making excuses for him but trying to rationalise such crap behaviour.
What an absolute tool!

@aleC4 last night I read both your threads beginning to end and I sobbed. I am right at the beginning of this same journey. ‘D’H moves out 6 weeks ago, exercising loads, anti aging eye creams, face creams, expensive hair cuts... total indifference towards me. He’s gone on a 13 day work conference to Australia leaving me out two young dc. The oldest is having huge angry meltdowns and the youngest very clingy. I work full time and we have pets too. He gave me three weeks notice and smirked when I lost my rag. I don’t yet have proof of OW but all the signs are there.

Not that it changes anything. DH was never particularly kind to me anyway whereas you snd your exH sounded like good friends.

I know there’s a long road ahead of me and he’s going to try to claim 50% of the house. He’s tucked away his inheritance and told me it’s ‘off limits’ and not to ‘play dirty’. His whole attitude is that of a complete stranger, not someone I spent the last 17 years of my life with.

I note the part in your thread where you exH eventually messaged you saying how sorry he was, that he should have worked at it. I’ve been hoping that me DH will do the same, bitterly regret walking away from us. But that will gain me nothing.

I wish you and your dc so much love. You dc have always been your absolute priority in all of this. I will return to this thread again and again for guidance and a reminder that there is a new chapter ahead for us, as a three instead of a four. XX