Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

Good luck with it all, very hard situation.

Please make sure he doesn't get what he's wanting - your love and not even the presence at any love for the inconvenient third wheel / his own baby. You have to come as a pair now if you love that baby enough to put the baby first in all things (which it sounds like you do definitely!).

If he can't bring himself to love the child he made, he rather loses the right to be with the mother of that child doesn't he? Always looking for a way to nudge out that cuckoo in the nest, always trying to push her out from first place to second... third... no place at all. Not a good scenario at all.

You do have time though, to see if he gets over this spat of selfishness / fucked up ness.

Don't leave it too long though. I did. DS remembers his daddy as he was just 4 when he last saw him. And the sorrow DS has and the mixed up feelings at being rejected by half of his blood... it's heartbreaking for me to watch knowing I could have stopped DS pain, by kicking his selfish t**t of a father to the keen a year before.

You're a star user, he is lucky to have a chance with you and your dd.

I hope he can take it in time but if not you will do brilliantly. He may not have wanted a child, but at only 23 he would probably have changed his mind, and anyway, we all have to adjust to things we didn't want to happen. Mostly those are bad things, no one wants to get a chronic illness for example or to lose their job, but when those things happen you have to try and make the best of it and not sit around saying, 'well, I did say I never wanted this'. Life happens. Now a baby is a whole different story....still something for him to get used to but one that brings so much joy and so many positive things. I really hope that he can see that and see he is lucky, so you can be a happy family. If not, you will know what to do.

How many excuses are people on this thread going to give him?

He has proved, time and again that he does not want to be a father to his child.

The best thing op can do is tell him that she has no choice but to end it, once and for all.

A man who wanted me & not my child wouldn't be in my life at all.

Italiangreyhound I don't think sandy was referring to sex without protection when she talks of Russian Roulette, more raising a child with a man who does not want it

I find this thread really surprising. If the situation was reversed and it was a woman saying she didn't want to be a mother she wanted nothing to do with her child would she be getting the advice that she needs psychological help counselling time and if she just spent time with the baby her mind would be changed

Oliversmumsarmy Not always, and certainly not from me. My mum was told to give it time, and it didn't work, because she knew she didn't want me.

It's not always about just needing "time for bonding"

Thank you everyone, it is good to hear over peoples opinions. I'm aware it seems like I defend him somewhat, obviously it's difficult on a forum to be able to express what someone's like in real life, I'd be going on forever listing things he does or doesn't do.
I also aware I haven't really been paying attention fully to his behaviour, I've had a exclusively breast fed, newborn to be taking care of. So I keep replaying the last three months in my head and I guess trying to remember how he behaved at certain times!
He messaged this morning and apologised again, agreed that he wouldn't contact me, until I'm ready, he said he will sort himself out and prove to me how much he loves us! Said he wants to still see dd, if I'm ok with that!
I've spoken to his mum, who he's phoned this morning and she's been told similar!
I think his desire to see her now, is likely because he knows it's what I want/need him to do. I will obviously encourage it though and hope it's not just based on his feelings for me.
Anyway, me and dd are heading out for a nice walk round the park and meeting a friend for lunch!!

Obviously other not over

Oliversmumsarmy what would you encourage a woman to do who did not want to be a mum and had had a baby?

OP hope all will be well, thinking of you.

Just a little update, I know it's not been long and I'm still not too hopeful.
We aren't together at the moment, but both agree to not seeing anyone else, until we know if it's permanent or not though!
He's seen dd everyday so far, even asked to take her to his last night for a few hours, as one of his housemates girlfriends has been asking to see her. He picked her up and I said I'd collect as I was going to the gym and it's near his. He's bought a playmat/gym for his house and a few toys. That probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's pretty much the only things he's bought, he's gives me money, but doesn't buy things himself! And it makes me think he's planning on her going there more!
He's seen his gp, I don't know what was said if anything! And he's got a appointment today with a counsellor, still get the feeling he's not keen about that! His mums a nurse and she got some recommendations and has booked it for him. He has promised he'll try and go in with a open attitude though!
I know it's early days, and I don't know what will happen! It was lovely seeing him at his house with her though, as if she's a part of his life!!

OP good update. Sounds promising.

I'm hoping so Italiangreyhound
Thanks KarmaNoMore I know it will take time, I'm just hoping he gives it a fair chance.
It at least feels like he's accepting her into his life, his house mate has asked to see her before and he never made any effort to do so. He's put a few photos on Instagram (I know that seems like a silly thing to be bothered by and maybe shows my age!!) but it seemed like he didn't want anyone knowing he's a dad! He's in a band, pretty amature but they play local pubs etc and he has a lot of people follow him for that! Especially girls!

If things are important to you, photos etc, it is good o acknowlege that but just be aware not all parents react to things like photos on the internet. My dh and I chose not to put baby photos of photos of our kids on line. I really don't want photos of my kids out there'. Maybe because ds is adopted and we always knew we would adopt, so adapted our habits on line to suit.

Whether you end up together or not, what happens now, how much he is drawn to dd and how much this can work out, all of that will be better for the future for whatever effort you both put in. Whatever happens you can tell your dd how hard you both tried. He is at least being honest and I am slightly hopeful for you all.

I think that's really good.

As I said much earlier on, whether he thinks it has not, I think this comes from his Dad leaving and him shouldering the responsibility for his siblings. His feelings, actions & everything are out of character and also are not typical of someone in his position.

Like you say, it's hard to explain on here, but I think he has some very deep seated issues. I really hope he likes the counsellor and he keeps going. He needs to, not only for you and your DD, but for himself - this will impact his entire life if he doesn't sort it out. I actually feel really sorry for him.

I think YOU are coping remarkably well and have an old head on young shoulders 💐 I'm sorry you're having to go through this though, it's really crap. Try not to let it totally dominate your first year with your DD, try to enjoy her & your life, it all goes far too fast!

Italiangreyhound I'm not so bothered about the photos, more I think it was a way he could avoid talking about her, either through people commenting online or in real life if they see him. I get the security issue, all my social medias only people I actually know and it's not public! His is more public, the picture didn't actually show her face though, he did respond to comments asking about her as well, which is more what I wanted!

TheThings thank you! I do there's definitely some issues! I hope he gets on well with her too. His mum was recommended her as being very good at getting people who find it hard to open up, in particular teens and young adults! So fingers crossed!
He's calling tonight to see dd. I'm not sure if I should ask him about it or not! I really want to though! And I kinda want to just give him a hug!
Dd's such a good baby, she's really easy going and in all fairness other than the issue with her dad! We do great, we have a good routine she feeds well and we get out to groups. My parents and his mum are supportive, as are my friend despite me being the only one not going off to uni and having a baby instead! I thought I'd feel jealous and a bit bored, being left behind. I love spending my time with her though!!

Good progress.

He said the counsellor was nice and he found her easy to talk to, was mostly just getting to know each other chat and he explained why he was there, hasn't told me exactly what he said though! He's set up a regular weekly appointment with her, which even means him changing his band practise time! He came and bathed dd, and got her ready for bed. He'd been in town and bought her a stripy all in one with a guitar print on, he says he saw it and thought it was really cute for her! So that's all good!!

Now he's asleep in my bed though and I'm really not sure, if it's a good idea to go forward as a couple or not!!

Give him 6 month to prove himself but don't consider being a couple until then. This will give you a chance to take your heart out of the equation and think with your head.

OP, maybe the photos thing is exactly that he doesn't want to talk about her so he doesn't want the photos to prompt comments.

THIS "He's set up a regular weekly appointment with her, which even means him changing his band practise time! He came and bathed dd, and got her ready for bed. He'd been in town and bought her a stripy all in one with a guitar print on, he says he saw it and thought it was really cute for her! So that's all good!!" is very positive.

"Asleep in my bed", your call, you are an adult. But how did things move from we are not together to asleep in my bed?

Think that's my problem Joysmum I can't take my heart out of it! Not when I'm still seeing him all the time!

Itailangreyhound I could blame the glass of wine I drank! But honestly he just seemed so much like himself! I don't know if I've not seen it or just not wanted to, but the baby aside he's not been his usual self for a while and tonight he was. We had something to eat and chatted, he was telling me about the counselling and then just work and stuff!
And, yes...I've no will power at all!

user1465649950 I am not judging you. I hope it all works out.

With regards to moving forward, be careful op. I hope that he is able to go forward with this attitude, but don't forget that ultimately, it is YO he doesn't want to lose, and will be doing his level best to impress you right now.

This is a lot of change in a small amount of time, and you could rush back into a relationship with him only to realise that he can't sustain it, then you are back to square one.

If you give it time for this to become his "routine," his normal, you will have a better idea as to whether it is all for show, or if he really means it.

Perhaps it would be easier to take your heart of it...don't see him unless you absolutely have to. If he comes over to bathe her/put her to bed, go out until it is time for him to leave. Do picks up/drops offs at the door.

Please don't get stuck into thinking that he has changed already (far too soon) because it could be that once you go back, he stops again.

I really hope not, but this could all be to keep hold of you. Only time will tell if he is really making an effort for your daughter.

Wise words, differentnameforthis.

Yep, 5 days is nothing and the only way he can see you is by going through your baby.

That's I I think putting a self imposed time after which you'll make a decision about whether there's a relationship is the way to go.

There's only so long an act can be kept up for and if he knows you're taking a firm break but continues being a father anyway then he may have bonded with the baby by then, or shown he hasn't. Either way, you'll know for sure.