Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

He sounds like such a drama queen attention seeker. He stages a major "I can't cope" attention seeking tantrum because his family are making a fuss of your child at a family occasion? Utterly ridiculous. I think he's enjoying himself in some perverse attention seeking way and you, your daughter and both your families are his audience and collateral damage. He's been watching too much Eastenders and has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old.

Imagine the rest of your life like this, being embarrassed and humiliated on social occasions or on tenterhooks the whole time in case you are going to be. Then he does a bit of public crying (always with an audience) and reels you back in.

This will destroy you if you don't stop it. There is something very very wrong with him.

Remember he said this. ...

he really didn't want a baby at this time or ever

So given his current attitude. ...I'm not being ridiculous.

Much better not to have a child, than father one you don't love or want.

At 3mo babies are boring to men.

That's a terribly sweeping statement. My DH never found our babies boring and he's not at all unique.

Sandy do you really think people really know what they want at 23?

user1465649950 whether you give him another chance or not, your choice. You said three months, your choice, you were upset tonight, your choice how to decide.

None of us will be there to help you cope with him if he is a fuckwitt in 5 years time, nor to help you explain to your DD how things worked out, nor to help you with your baby.

My only advice would be small steps, a big family meal is not small steps. Whatever he say, good or bad, I would take it with a pinch of salt. If you choose to give him more time, just make sure you protect your heart. I don't think your dd will consciously remember all this but if he is still in her life in a few years' time, she will I am sure.

Sandy I don't mean now, I mean for the rest of their lives. People change their mind about being parents at later stages.

That's what I'm struggling with Hedda he's really not usually like this at all! Until the baby, I've never seen him cry! He's normally responsible and pretty laid back. He's not attention seeking or anything!
His family and friends agree it's really not like him! He gets on well with my dad, they have a lot of shared interests and I know he's going to be embarrassed that he behaved like that tomorrow morning!!
On how he's being now, I'd finish things straight way or I'd never have been with him to start with! I can't wipe my memory of what he's normally like and he does seem likes he's genuinely hurting right now!!

Yeah he mentioned her name because he wants you back, it will become all too clear to your daughter that he doesn't love her. And he is only there because he wants it to be you and him.

What a spectacular way to fuck her life up.

Take his remorse with a pinch of salt. Chances are it was the drink talking, but if he means it he will make an effort in the morning.

Yes he's on the birth certificate, she has my surname though!

^^ very wise.

I have to say, you are incredibly mature for your age. It's absolutely breathtaking. You speak so sensibly .....way beyond your years.

So many times, I see women more than twice your age , not half as sensible as you.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you. You're really truly remarkable and have great strength.

Agree with Hedda. He's got everyone, but especially you, dancing a merry jig around him. However, nothing will convince you that he's a lost cause but the experience of trying to fix him. So bash on.

Take a step back. you need to protect both yourself and your DD from any further hurt/drama.
He has really screwed up and it's now up to him to prove that he does want DD in his life. You now come as a package, he can't have one with out the other and in this case if he can't show ant interest in his DD l would walk away.
I think he said what he really meant in the pub then realised just what that would mean and massively backtracked. He can't suddenly develop such an interest in DD overnight.....
I really feel for you OP but your DD deserves so much better

You've said he wants you, not your baby.

He'll be doing what he believes us just enough to keep you.

Agree with LIZS it may be drink talking but "... if he means it he will make an effort in the morning."

Sandy do you really think people really know what they want at 23?

I did as far as kids and marriage.

Many people I know did as well.

Granted .. People do change their minds

Having a child isn't a game. You don't play Russian roulette with such a serious matter, which not only affects you, but the child, the mother and other family members.

But why does his "hurting" take priority over yours and everyone else's? He should be supporting you not giving you all this grief while you are coping with this major responsibility and life change at such a young age. Yet somehow, he's managed to convince you that he's some sort of victim rather than a selfish and irresponsible young man who is treating you very very badly.

His family sound really good and supportive. At least your DD will have them in her life.

Italiangreyhound has some wise words there - your daughter won't remember this now but in a few years time it will be a different story.

The other thing to consider is that as a new mum, your whole life will revolve around your daughter and you will find yourself talking about her all the time. If he has no interest in her, ultimately I think your relationship will start going downhill. You will get resentful of his lack of interest in your daughter.

It is a tough decision and only one that you can make. I'm a single mum to two toddlers and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that if any potential new boyfriend didn't show an interest in my children, I would get rid of him!

Leave him.
How is your daughter going to feel growing up bring made to feel she isn't wanted or loved by this immature selfish dick?

sandy "You don't play Russian roulette with such a serious matter, which not only affects you, but the child, the mother and other family members." They were using two forms of contraception, that is hardly Russian Roulette. Do you really think the OP wishes he had had a vasectomy?

Spot on Hedda.

I've sent him one message, saying that I don't want him to contact me and if he cares like he says he does he will respect that and I'll contact him when I'm ready to talk. I said I think he should speak to his mum though as she's upset and concerned for him. I've sent him a few numbers for councelling and said I'd really like it if he books himself an appointment to speak to someone.
I've spoken to his mum and filled her in on what I've sent to him and told her in the meantime if he expresses that he'd like to see dd, I will arrange to drop her at hers, so he can see her. I think his mum will encourage him to do this.
I think that's the most I can do right now!

That sounds very sensible user1465649950.

It all sounds very difficult 146 I think you're holding up very well, it just seems like your boyfriend is being such a burden to you and thats the last thing you need him to be!