Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

He doesn't want alone time with his baby.

but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad
he wants two things which are mutually exclusive, its like wanting a circle which has corners

Has he not considered how psychologically damaging iit will be to your daughter, him wanting to be a partner but not a parent?

Does he not realise that people do parent children who are not biologically theirs and so you maywell have a relationship wit someone else who will love and parent her alongside you.

A partner shares your life, and your daughter is a huge part of your life

Thank you all. I've spoken to him and he's going to come round later so we can talk about things properly!
I'm not making excuses for him and I don't think it's acceptable! Otherwise I wouldn't be posting to start with! I'm very concerned and I just don't want to rush a decision that will effect my daughter for life. He knows this too, he knows it's not particularly normal what he feels and he admits it's crossed his mind to walk away completely, he just can't get that straight with how he feels about me!
He does do the daily care when he's here and he's said we can move in together, I don't want to right now though! He doesn't dismiss her when he's here and doesn't expect me to ignore her or anything horrible!
And he supports her financially and will continue to do so!
Yes he's on the birth certificate, she has my surname though!
Thanks again, everyone has given me different things to consider and speak to him about! I know he can't carry on the way he'd like long term and I'm pretty sure he does too! Whatever happens I will be ensuring my daughter knows she is loved my me and her extended family!

Pictish - don't give him a choice. She should tell him that he's having her and that's it.

Sheldon what choice are you taking about? Abortion? Having baby adopted? Not everyone can consider these options. the OP said earlier on she was being careful. It is not a case of not giving her boy friend options! She did not have any either.

I do not know of it is right to stay with him but he is not evil or bad for not wanting children or not feeling able to love his child!

Someone said, a stranger on the street would love baby more! Please think seriously!

Really, would a strange man on the street offer money to care for a baby, give his time, offer to support the mum through college? No. They may be able to burble and make faces at a baby in a convincing way but that is it!

When she is older, especially if he is still on the scene, I believe it will be damaging to know he does not love her, she may feel this whether he is around or not.

I think the idea of a time limit is good.

I don't think it is right to berate him for not experiencing love. It is very possible to love a child you are not biologically related to, (our don is adopted) so by the same token it is possible to not love a child you are related to.

I hope you will find some answers here. I agree things do not look good. Maybe part of the issue is you have been together so long, breaking away is hard. For both of you. But he sounds stick in the past and you are moving on. he sounds more like 19, and you like 23! This is because you do not have the 'luxury' of pretending and also because you really love your child.

Do your parents help you, will they support you?

In adoption circles we sometimes say 'fake it til you make it' but I think it is helpful for him to be honest with you.

The more you say the more I feel this will end with you not being together so please make your choices carefully.

I wouldn't leave my baby alone with anyone who didn't want them there.

OP you're starting to backpedal and paint a different picture now so I guess your mind is set to see this through. I can only wish you well and hope it all works out for you and your daughter.

Best of luck op, I hope everything works out for the best and I think you can handle this☺

Thanks Italian
I really do believe that he doesn't want to feel like this. He's really not a selfish person, I know it sounds that way, it's just difficult to express on here!
Yes my parents are supportive, although both busy themselves. I don't feel like I can't manage myself at all though and I don't need him to help me, I ask so he'll spend time with her. All the plans I've made are based on me doing this alone, so I'm not reliant on him at all!!
I do want to give him a chance though for our daughters sake!

Haven't rtft yet but from your title I was assuming that he wasn't dd's dad.

The fact that he is- wow. He sounds immature and like he's not ready for a baby- is he jealous? I had this with exdp, my ds's dad. It destroyed us.

You sound like a lovely mum op, put your baby first, she deserves better

We've spoken, cried and shouted, mostly me in fairness! He said he'll speak to a counceller or something, although he said is only issue with his dad was him leaving them without money and he said he won't do that!
I said he's got 6 months, he won't do this with us being apart, but said he will if we are together! I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, but I agreed!
He's going to come see dd on the nights he doesn't see me, so he will see her every day, I asked my mum and she will supervise that so he won't see me at all on those days!
I've asked him to get in touch with a friend of his who's got a child and try to arrange to do something with the children! I'm hoping it might help him, having a dad friend!
He's going to take dd swimming on Sunday mornings and I'll go with but sit in the cafe, so I'm there if she needs feeding or he needs help but he will doing it alone!
I can't remember if we discussed anything else! He's agreed to it all though! He said he does love her, just not like he does me and he's missed us both! He said he feels like I'm always watching him with her and so I've said I'll try not to do that!
I don't know what else to do!

He said he does love her, just not like he does me and he's missed us both!
that sounds promising OP, like he's open to growing to love her more?

Doesn't sound like failure to bond with me

It sounds like he doesn't want a baby and he's sticking to it

Whether he likes it or not though, he is a dad.

I would leave him. I wouldn't want to watch my daughter trying to interact with her father and getting knocked back every time.

My Dh struggled to bond with our first born. I had a traumatic birth and he resented her when she was first born. He found it hard to pick her up and cuddle her like she was his daughter. But he persisted because he wanted to love his baby and a few weeks later they had bonded perfectly

See how it goes, you're communicating which has to be a positive in all of this.
Maybe there is the potential for a normal relationship between your boyfriend and your baby if he makes the effort you've described and follows through.
Only time will tell.
Remember, you and your baby have to come first now and either he steps up properly or you give him the red card. He needs to know that any mistreatment, (by that I mean ignoring or avoiding), is a non negotiable deal breaker.
I think you have to be very strong and very determined on this point with him.

Thanks former and pallasathena I'm a bit septical of his seemingly sudden change of heart! He knows without doubt though that if I have to choose I'd choose her over him a thousand times over!
He's sat with her now and I'm trying my best to just leave him to it and not watch what's he's doing with her! She's happy with him always has been so she can't sense anything I'm sure!

I don't get what responsibility he doesn't want though! He always said he didn't want marriage,kids, mortgage, any of it! So I thought it was the full package he never wanted! Yet he's saying he won't not support her financially and if I want us to buy a house he will! He just doesn't want the responsibility of being a dad! But those things are part of that, I'd have thought! And when I ask him what he means I don't get anything that really explains it!

Why does your mother need to 'supervise'? He is not a danger to your child, you've admitted that, why does he need 'supervision'? How do you expect him to bond normally with his child when you and your family are treating him like some sort of fingering paedophile for no reason?

He just doesn't want the responsibility of being a dad I think that's completely understandable, after all he had decided that being a parent wasnt for him and it's absolutely fine to make that choice.

What I think is unreasonable is the failure to acknowledge that it is not reasonable to expect to have an exclusive relationship with you whilst not taking on parenting responsibilities.
He's either in it with you or he's out.

Perhaps he just needs a bit of time to 'process' it all?

Sorry BillsykesDog I didn't mean supervise as in watch him with her, just my mum will be here with her not me! He can see her alone or take her out, he doesn't want to though! He currently only sees her if she's with me! His mum watched her for a hour and he called in and left when I wasn't there!
I want him to spend time with her, not for my benefit, if that makes sense!

And my parents like him!

This is nothing to do with love I think. The kind of love that we need to give our children is like no other love - completely one sided and totally self sacrificing. It is best described as a responsibility I think.

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

His feelings about whether he wants children or not, about whether he wants the responsibility or not are moot now he has a child.

I also think it is pointless talking about who should have done what (sandy's point about vasectomy). The baby is here now.

He now only has a choice between being responsible or not being responsible and the consequences that go with each choice IMO.

I absolutely would not recommend that you allow him to indulge in a halfway house of faking him taking responsibility for his DD because of his love for you. Apart from anything else that will damage DD in the long run and will wear thin after a while and cause problems in your relationship.

He has to choose. You are the mother of his child so if he doesn't want to be responsible for DD of his own choosing then let him choose that and face the consequences for the rest of his life. If he does want to be responsible for her then let him be responsible for her BUT take a relationship with you completely off the table so that he can make a proper choice. This has to be about him and her and not you and him.

Does it really matter if your parents like him or not?

My parents aren't keen on my Dh. They are better with him then they used to be but if I said I was leaving him they would be happy too.

But it isn't their choice. It's my husband who I love and is a fantastic parent to his children

soubtiquet that point was just as another poster said me and my family didn't trust him with her!
karmanomore I'm hoping it's something like that! And has she gets a bit older it will get easier.
I'm going to try not stress it to much and see how he goes over the next few months! He is trying! And I do think I had high expectations as to what I wanted a father to be like when I had children, so there's a good chance no one would have been good enough!

Good luck OP. I don't have high hopes for this man but I sincerely hope I'm wrong. You and your child deserve far better.
He has to make the decision that he does want to be her father. Even in your last discussion I'm still not hearing that. He's just doing things to appease you.