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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

247 replies

user1465649950 · 31/12/2016 00:37

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 18:42

I guess one thing to remember is whatever the OP decides her daughter will most likely want to talk about it one day. So the OP does need to think it all through and may wish to record some of her feelings for the future.

Whatever happens OP your dd is lucky to have you. You sound a very together, sensible, caring and lovely mum

Original poster
user1465649950 · 31/12/2016 18:58

Thanks italian I will keep some kind of record in case she asks later on, I've notice looking at photos there's hardly any of him and her!
I'll admit mywinetime I'm not convinced myself! I don't know if I'm just that way out tonight, but it feels like he's spent some time with her and now he thinks he should be rewarded or something! I'm wishing he'd chosen to go out and not stay in with me tonight!!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 17:49

Well not even 24 hours after promising he will try his best and do what ever I ask, he let's us down!
I am so fucking angry with him right now!! At least he's made me make my mind up now!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/01/2017 18:08

Are you surprised?

Starlight2345 · 01/01/2017 18:10

As angry as you feel right now you did do the right thing. My DS doesn't see his Dad but I know I did what I could to make it work however it was like my marriage only one person trying.

At this age now focus on enjoying your little one..They are tiny for such a short time.

Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 18:25

I am surprised Joysmum as we've never lied to each other! He at least until now as been true full with me!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 18:25

OP so sorry, you are doing your best, it is good you will be able to tell her you really tried to make it work.

Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 18:45

Thanks italian I just feel so foolish and embarrassed right now and seriously angry with him! I just don't understand him at all! His mum was in tears, his grandparents and brothers are disgusted with him!!
My friends are coming round soon, so I can rant to them!
I'm just trying to think it's for the best really, as for as long as he played at trying, I'd find it hard to walk away!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/01/2017 19:04

So this continues to get worse. Any vestiges of trust you might have had are going.

What do you have left? What is he worth to you and your baby?

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 19:47

Have pmed you, OP, stay strong. Thanks

DistanceCall · 01/01/2017 20:01

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you knew that he didn't want children, got children accidentally, and didn't have an abortion. You expect him to change the way he feels about children because he now has one, but it's not going to happen. He never lied to you. He supports you financially, but he doesn't want to be a father. If you didn't want to have a child with a man who doesn't want to be a father, you shouldn't have done so.

Let him go.

Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 20:33

Thanks Italian I got it, but my reply doesn't seem to be sending!
I hadn't put what he'd done as it's just quite long!
We went to his mums for dinner, his grandparents and aunt and her family were there, his mum was doing a second Christmas as her family were visiting, they don't live locally. We did gifts etc, they all wanted to see dd, he asked to go for one drink with the men, which was fine. Grandad, uncle and cousins come back says him and his brother are talking to a friend. 10 mins later brother comes back, says he told him he can't do with everyone (his family) talking about dd and he's not coming for dinner! So I'm there with all his family! His mum tried phoning, his grandad went to go get him from the pub! Still didn't come back!
It was horrible!!
I've had the sorry messages and it was his family not me and dd! And he's been round drunk trying to see us! My dad had to go out to tell him to go away and he's ended up driving him home!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 20:38

Thanks DistanceCall I've already answered similar to this!! I never asked him to be involved. When I told him, I fully expected and was prepared to go it alone and I made MY decision not to have an abortion based on that!!
Pregnant at 18 was the very last thing I wanted too!!
It's him who needs to let me go!!! I won't apologise for trying to give my daughter a chance at a relationship with her father!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 01/01/2017 20:45

I don't think he can make it any clearer, he does not want to be in your dd's life.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:47

Distance you've clearly not read the thread. He doesn't want to go! Once a woman is pregnant the option of abortion is her choice and not all women want this. Suggesting you still have a choice once pregnant is really ridiculous. Not all women have that choice.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:55

tribpot and yet he keeps saying he will try. Confusing.

OP don't worry about pm.

So, driving home drunk? That is terrible if that is what you mean!

Yes, he has not done well here at all!

But, and I fully expect to be a lone voice here, the big family lunch was a bad idea!

I kind of understand him finding this very hard.

Whoever had the idea (his mum?) was way off!

He is struggling with all this, whether we (readers) like it, or him, at the moment and to be confronted with a room full of relatives doting on his dd, when he is finding it hard, well, I can see why he felt he could not come back.

I'm a raving feminist most of the time. Almost always take the woman's side! Almost always take the 'OP''s side but I must say meal was a very bad idea.

DistanceCall · 01/01/2017 20:58

I apologise, OP. I didn't read the entire thread and was an idiot. I really hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 21:03

I knew it would be hard for him, I thought I'd put in the post, but it must have been in the message that didn't send!! We spoke before we went and I said if it was too much, for him to say and we'd make our excuses and go! He said he was fine with it! He did similar when his grandparents first came to see her and I said I don't want to be in that position again! They were obviously making a fuss of her, but didn't really ask him much or anything. Unless his grandad did when he was at the pub.
His mum does it every year as she doesn't see them at Christmas!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 21:06

And no sorry he didn't drive, my dad drove him home!

OP posts:
silkflowers · 01/01/2017 21:24

Some of the things you describe sound a bit off - like him buying tickets for you both for a night out and not considering who would look after your daughter. However, I agree with PP, 3 months is still early and I know several men who didn't bond with their daughters / granddaughters properly until the 6 month mark. Maybe give him another few months and get him to try counselling. If all else fails, I think you need to think about ditching him, sorry Sad You and your daughter come as a package now x

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 21:24

user1465649950 , phew, I am really glad you did not drive.

"I knew it would be hard for him, I thought I'd put in the post, but it must have been in the message that didn't send!! We spoke before we went and I said if it was too much, for him to say and we'd make our excuses and go! He said he was fine with it!"

Clearly, he is not very in touch with his emotions or abilities at the moment! So we could say, he is an idiot, he does not know his own mind! Or we could say, he is really trying, he wants it to be OK, to be able to do the normal dad and baby and you (OP) stuff but he is struggling big time. As I say it sounds like he is the teenager and you are the 23 year old.

I am just very glad he didn't drive.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 21:25

I am really glad he did not drive.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 21:34

silkflowers it is a good point "... like him buying tickets for you both for a night out and not considering who would look after your daughter." But because the OP lives with her mum, maybe he thought she could babysit. Wrong to assume, I know, but it is not like they live with each other or she lives alone with the baby.

MyWineTime · 01/01/2017 21:38

When you find something hard, you have to WANT to do change it in order for things to change. He does not want to change so he is trying to put up with things when they are hard. That's why it will never work, not as long as it's not something he actually wants.

Original poster
user1465649950 · 01/01/2017 21:40

Now I'm feeling a bit sorry for him!
I'd pretty much decided he'd blown his last chance, now I don't know 😕
My dad said he was really upset when he took him home and was asking him to bring him back here, because he wanted to see me and dd! He doesn't usually mention her like that!
I've always been more mature for my age Italian I think because my parents were always a bit immature!! In all fairness though he was/is usually mature himself!!

OP posts: