Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

Part of me suspects he'll never take responsibility, partly because he has no example to follow, partly because he sees your dd as your choice. However not everyone finds small babies entertaining and expecting him to play and entertain her may be too high an expectation yet. Does he stay over, if so insist he is more involved or needn't bother to come as you don't have time for another child.

italian faking maybe is the wrong word, I felt like he was getting better with her and showing more interest. I think it's just been for my benefit though and I don't think his feelings have changed since she was born at all!

OK so as adults you are all perplexed but able to cope with hearing 'I want to be a boyfriend but not a father'. How is a 4 year old going to hear that when it is a direct rejection of her? A 7year old, 13, 20. It will hurt like crazy at any age, and more so if he is in her life. Plus its hurting you.

I advise end the relationship, allow his parents regular access visits in due course (when you are happy for her to go), and ensure you get maintenance. Then, the good things her dad has given her will be financial support and grandparents. And less pain. If at some stage he does want to work on it, I suggest you engage the services of a child psychotherapist who works with infants - they could work with him on developing a bond through play, and also explore how his own experiences have affected him.

Oh just fuck him off. Misery, resentment and hurt is an inevitability here. No one is getting what they need from this set up so it's a no brainer.

I read this thread late last night and tried to formulate an insightful, articulate reply. I was too tired in the end. Today I have read this again and I have realised you don't need one. It's no good, that's all. Fuck him off.

THe big thing for me would be does he want to bond or just feels he should to keep you.
He is under a lot of pressure from all angels to be something he doesn't feel is him.

The fact he didn't want children is an indicator he may not want to really address this but keep you.

I would take the pressure off him for a couple of months.. Tiny babies don't do a lot, some are naturally smiling some you have to work for a smile..

I would also give yourself a time limit but not discuss it with him but you have a right to find someone who will love you as a family if he can't / won't

That's it lizs he accepts her as in he knows we come as a package now! Yes he stays over, and he does help. It's just very much what do I want to do with her! He won't and doesn't want to make a decision!
It feels like I'm in a relationship and he's not her father! That doesn't bother him though! He just says he doesn't see why it can't work as if I meet someone else it will just be the same anyway!

He's wrong there. There is every chance a future partner would form a healthy, loving parental bond with your daughter. It happens all the time.
He doesn't get to judge everyone else by his ow standards.
Fuck him off.

*low

I'd tell him its a deal-breaker.
Just that, calmly, seriously and pleasantly. You are not only minimising his behaviour by making all sorts of allowances for it but you are accepting it as somehow understandable.
He is immature and yet, you appear to have no problem with that. Why on earth you'd want to hang on for dear life to someone who behaved so abominably to a beautiful, innocent little baby I simply don't understand.
Is it desperation? Are you really that desperate?

I'm completely perplexed by al the posters making excuses and saying that he just needs time. He doesn't want to be her dad
This isn't going to get better.

By staying with him all you are effectively doing is monumentally restricting your potential and life experiences and those of your daughter. For that. For a man so supremely selfish it takes your breath away.

She is 3 months. Give it a few months and see if he bonds with her. This is not about waiting years just observing whether ot is an bonding issue that resolves naturally over the coming months. Lots of new mothers and fathers do not bond immediately with their babies. It takes some months. If the advice was to discard these people as not good mothers or fathers there would be a lot of families destroyed. A newborn baby is a life changing experience. Don't pile on too much pressure. You shouldn't force him otherwise it will make the situation worse or you may not be able to tell whether things are improving naturally.

I can understand that he never wanted to be a father. To expect to continue being your boyfriend while renouncing your child together is perverse. Can you imagine how that's going to go down with your dd?
No...he has cast a spell on you with his statements of love but you need to be thinking clearly for yourself. You know this is bullshit.

No pallasathena I'm not desperate or hanging on to him!! I've given him the option to walk away, he doesn't want to!! If things don't get better and I feel it effects my daughter or my future plans, I will leave and I'll cope just fine without him!! Right now he's saying he wants to try anything to make it work and I'm maybe not quite ready to completely turn my back on someone I love!

You didn't really give him any option though did you, either of the choices you gave meant he would be a dad regardless. Maybe he's having trouble as walking away means acting like his father so he feels no choice but to stay.

Hopefully it's given him a wake up call to be far safer during sex in future but the horse has already bolted and he's obviously struggling badly.

At the centre is a child though and you have both put her in this situation through choice. That's very sad as unless something dramatically changes she will work out things for herself.

He'll try anything except anything he doesn't want to you mean. Talk is cheap and you are sold.

Random guys on the street would have more warmth towards your baby than he does.
Wake up.

It sound like he wants things to stay the way they were before you had your daughter and that just isn't going to happen. He doesn't want the hard work and tie of a baby (which many 23yr olds wouldn't) and it sounds like he has given his excuses, said he doesn't want to be a father but still wants the benefits of being in a relationship without the hard work of parenting.

Unfortunately, this can't happen. You can't go back to how things were and he can't have the same relationship with you now. He wants all the fun of being in his 20s, which is fair enough and I wouldn't judge him for that, living with mates, having freedom to do what he wants and a girlfriend to go on dates with. He can have that life - but I don't think he can have it with you. Your life has completely changed now you have your DD and you can't go back. He can either have you as his partner, meaning he takes on all aspects of life with you, parenting, night feeds, changing nappies, responsibility. Or he can have his carefree living with friends and dating life, where you are not his partner. Those are his two choices.

Not an easy situation for anyone, and I can't blame him for not being in the right place in his life to have a child. But she is here, and that isn't going to change! So he either steps up to be her dad, and your partner, or he doesn't and he loses you both.

Good luck I hope you can find a way forward.

"*I'm completely perplexed by al the posters making excuses and saying that he just needs time. He doesn't want to be her dad
This isn't going to get better."

How can you be so sure? It has been known for an unwanted child to become a very much loved one. I have personal experience with my DH and surely my situation is in no way unique. This is a father is still young. No, there's no certainty that he will ever bond with the baby either but at least it's worth trying to give it time and especially if he's willing to address in future.

He doesn't want to walk away because he thinks he can have his cake and eat it.
These are the choices
Have a relationship with both of you
Have a relationship with neither of you

He must not be allowed to separate you from your daughter, she is not the cat who can be put in another room while he visits

Imagine how she will feel as she gets older, the rejection, knowing that her father feels no connection, no pride in her achievements, she doesn't really exist as a person for him

Sheldon I'm not sure what other choice I could give him? I didn't want to go through with a abortion and in fairness to him he never once asked me to re consider that option! He's said if we aren't together he won't see her, so I don't think walking away from her is his reason for staying! He will contribute to her financially and I don't doubt that will continue even if he stops seeing her.
I was on the implant, we did use condoms as well and had really only just stopped doing so as we thought the implant was pretty safe!!

X posted with excellent!

Age is fundamentally irrelevant here. He lacks decency not maturity. The OP is 19 and loves her baby. 23 is an adult. He was given the option to walk if what was on offer didn't suit his young life. He'd rather stay and preside as a massive weirdo.

What's more - he has convinced the OP that this is in some way acceptable!
He's 23, not 14. 23!

Your baby is tiny still. You don't live together. He hasn't really had a chance to be a father.

Yes, he may never bond, but it's certainly worth a try, especially at an age where your daughter won't know any different and won't adversely affect her.

Your daughter has a mum who loves her and she'll be fine, one way or the other. Don't worry too much about analysing what he does. Tell him what he needs to do, make sure he spends time with his child every day and let him have some time alone with just her.