Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

I agree with other posters. Put your romantic relationship on hold.
He did say that if you weren't together he wanted nothing to do with the baby.....I personally find this completely staggering.
Also you must protect your DD. I know someone who's father left when she was 18 months,had no interest in her. It has truly fucked her up. He is back in her life now (19 yrs later) and has no idea of the impact it had on her although it's clear for everyone else to see. If a child is not no 1 in their parents life then this is when children become damaged.

I second and third other posters in saying please don't put your relationship so easily back on track when it will be masking whether he has a real connection with his baby, independently of how he feels about you ... ie. He's doing this to win you back and if his relationship with his own child is nothing more than a stepping stone to you, and he gets that within a few days, what happens next?

I'd give it all time to settle, and let it become clear to him that he loves his child.

This will take a while even if he's going in the right direction, as he believes very strongly that he doesn't care /won't ever care, and it's not just you he needs to prove it to, its himself.

Worst case scenario, he's just going through the motions to stop you and his mother whining at his behavior, and to get what he wants.

Best case scenario, he's making some very small and tentative steps towards changing the way he feels at a core level, and that's hard to do, and very hard to imprint over a lifetime of a different belief about him and fatherhood. And if he stops too early, because hes got what he wants, he'll never get to real change.

It's not your fault that he's not fully committed, but I'd say just really watch out that your adult relationship doesn't get put ahead of his relationship with his baby ... especially when he's not really doing this for himself or for his baby yet, but to get you back and get his life back how he wants it.

I know differentnameforthis he said last night his feelings haven't change, but he feels lighter, now that other people know and like he can deal with it! He also said he felt proud of himself that he'd had her alone and didn't find it as hard as he thought, same with buying her things!
Seemed really genuine. I can usually tell when he's not!
Him having dd alone is difficult, with breast feeding. Friday worked well as he finishes work early and through the day, she will go a couple of hours between feeds. On a evening she tends to be fussy and on and off the boob! He'd only seen her about half an hour at his mums the other night and he had to phone me, as she was hungry!
When he does bath and bed time here, he baths her, creams and dresses her, then I feed her, he usually sits with me while I do though as he will wind her and see if she's ready to settle down! This is obviously pretty intimate and can take a while of her being on and off before she settles.
Even today, he's taking her swimming, but I need to go too as she'll want feeding as soon as she gets out! So we will end up spending most of the day together.
I've tried expressing and not really got anything and don't like it very much!
I'm really torn, as I do want him to prove he's doing it for her and himself rather than me. But then he's saying surly it's better that he's here as much as possible and doing the night times and bed routine and things with me!

Yes, I suspect he's spending time with her as a way of spending time with YOU.

Oh well.

Does she take a bottle? Could he buy a bottle of ready made formula for each of his outings? The only way you'll know why he's doing this is if he has to spend serious time with her without you.

Elspeth she's never really had a bottle no, tried once with a couple of ounces I'd managed to express, she didn't really drink it though!
I don't want her having formula!

I really don't know what to do!
I said I think it's too soon for us to be back together! He said ok, it's not what he wants though! He said he can't do 6 months it's too long, he wants us to talk about it after a month!
Do I just let him have set days a week? And just for a few hours? Friday's and weekends he could do 2/3 hours maybe!! The other nights it's harder as he's not in until 6/6.30!
He's saying he wants to see her everyday though and I feel bad if I say no!
Is it better if I don't talk to him about how his counsellings going?

He is saying he wants to see YOU every day.

For someone who supposedly can't live without you, he's certainly been very quick in giving you a mere months notice before he's sacked it all in.

If the aim is to see if he can bond with his daughter, maybe he should see her every day, but he should know that your bed is out of bounds, or maybe the 2 of them could be alone in your room without you being there as well.

I think it was actually pretty cheeky of him to get in your bed. Also very presumptuous of him...what was he expecting? You to join him as a "reward" for all his hard work?

I also find that he is limiting this to a month odd, like that is all it takes to "prove it", it does sound as if he will struggle to do this for too long, at least, it sounds like he might think that anyway!!

"He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! "

It doesn't matter what he wants, in the biological sense he is a father. Either he accepts that and behaves like one, or you are better off without him. From what you've written, I think you and your daughter would be better off without him.

Er..... different I got the impression OP HAD joined him. But may be wrong.

"For someone who supposedly can't live without you, he's certainly been very quick in giving you a mere months notice before he's sacked it all in."

^this^

As Elsbeth posted, he's not actually invested in this if he's trying to set deadlines and manipulate you into 'rewarding' a paltry months good(ish) behavior with everything he wants (ie. You).

It's all so transparent, it's a shame you seem to really really want to believe it wholesale. If he really wants to have a bond with his daughter you'd think he'd be prepared to try for more than 30days before binning the baby and the partner for... for what? For a single life and no strings attached? Or for a return to badgering you for his actual desired life, you, minus the inconvenient baby. Who sacks off their own child and the alleged 'love of his life' in 30 days? Like he's a shop and you've got 30 days or no refund?!

Be careful. He's not being the saint you want to believe in...

Sorry, I'm not being clear. No he didn't just get in bed, we had a takeaway, chatted and one thing led to another! It was mutual, he even asked me if I was sure!
He said he thinks 6 months is too long, and I'm inclined to agree! I don't think I can do 6 months either! He said he wants us to talk after a month to see where we are at, not to necessarily go back to how we were after a month!

His thinking is if he's having counselling and spending time alone with her a few days,(like we will continue Friday's when I go to the gym) he doesn't see why we can't just be together and still spend the other days as a couple! That's what's confusing me, I worry he's doing it as he wants to be with me, but then equally I like being with him! He says it helps him when we do the family things! And seeing me with her, helps him know what he's supposed to do! He said we can take sex out of it and just spend time together if I think that's what he's wanting!
I just don't know what's for the best!! 😔

I'd say take sex out of it for now. Sex potentially confuses things and physical intimacy can feel like emotion intimacy, IMHO.

Yes your probably right Italiangreyhound its a shame though, that's the best part!
He took dd swimming and we called for lunch, then he dropped us off and went home! He's not seeing her tomorrow and then he's going to finish work early on Tuesday and take her for a few hours. He said he will speak to work about doing a few less hours for a while (it's officially overtime he's doing) so he won't be home so late, and then he can see her before she's getting tired and just wanting to feed!

Meant to add, I've says if he does through the week without me, we can see about spending time together with dd on weekends! Still deciding if I'll let him stay over or not one night! I think it's good for him to help with night time! Just not sure I trust ourselves!!

Just wanted to update people on his counselling, he started properly this week and he really likes her and said he's comfortable with her, so that's good. I haven't really spoken to him about it, we are keeping things just about dd for now and general how we are doing. But he's spoken to his mum, and opened up about his dad to her. Apparently he was still seeing his dad for a while, as a teen and he felt really guilty about it. His mum didn't know and he's never told me!
He said to his mum he doesn't know if that's anything to do with why he feels like he does about our dd, but his counsellor wants to concentrate on his relationship with his parents firstly. He's going to be seeing her twice a week now too!

And thank you to everyone who offered advice. I really do appreciate it and I've read the thread back a few times when I've been struggling.
I know he's got a lot to do and honestly, I'm not sure if it's too late for our relationship anyway. Regardless I'm glad he's getting some help.

This sounds really encouraging.

You should take the LTB posts with a pinch of salt IMO. None of us have met your DP, we can only see this snapshot.

As others have said, if he was the mother in this scenario, people would be saying how common it is to find it hard to bond at first. That he's agreed it's an issue that needs to be tackled and is engaging with counseling is very encouraging IMO.

You say he says "seeing me with her, helps him know what he's supposed to do". People do learn through being with others, particularly practical skills like looking after babies. What's your gut instinct? Is he genuine about this?

I think he's making massive progress from where he was and I do think that 6 months is too long.

There is no better way for him to bond with DD than seeing her every day, and so if he wants to, please let him.

He's taken very positive steps like the counselling and swimming with her is a lovely close thing to do, where he can see her little smiles.

I hope it continues this way.

theothercat I do believe him yes, he's never really not be honest with me. It's odd, he bought a play mat for at his house, when I saw it last week I noticed it was the same as the one I have for her. I didn't mention it as I thought he'd not realised and didn't want him to feel bad. Then when he mentioned it at the weekend he was really proud that he'd looked online until he'd found the same one, then gone to buy, in his words 'the right one'. It's a play mat, I chose it because I liked it! I didn't have the heart to say she didn't need the same one, if anything I'd have got a different one.
Thanks Sandy he's seeing her most days, he's finishing work earlier so it's a bit easier. Tonight he has her at his for a few hours, Tuesdays and Thursdays he has her at his mums, Wednesday he sees her here and puts her to bed, Sundays he takes her swimming and we will spend some time together. Not decided on Saturday yet, he wants to see her here do bed time and stay over!

update
Just wanted to post a update for those who were supportive and helped with advice and suggestions.
We've just come back from a week away and he's been great. I've not done bath time all week and have hardly changed her nappy, he's been really hands on, but most importantly he seemed to be really enjoying being with her and she absolutely adores him.
He's still seeing his counsellor and I've been along to one session so he could explain things to me, which as helped. We've talked a lot this last week too and I think we're in a pretty good place, not like we were pre dd, but definitely the best we've been since.
I know it's still only been a month, although it seems much longer.
He knows he's got to keep working on his issues and I know I've got to relax and let him find his own way a bit more.
And so we'll just have to see how it goes! I guess!
Thank you to everyone x