Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

I think that your boyfriend is being cruel to both you and your daughter. Whether he wanted a child or not once you became pregnant that was no longer an option and I agree with Formerpigwrestler that anything he does for his daughter should not be done as a favour to you. He does sound emotionally manipulative and very immature. If you knew you would end it one day to have a family then that is what you should do now because what you have for your daughter ATM is not a family. If you leave him then hopefully you will meet someone new at some point in the future and he will love both you and your daughter fully agree and properly.

user1465649950 this sounds hard. Although I do not see he necessarily has a game here. It's really hard to see what is really going on as you are very nice about him, on the whole, but I sense there is more!

He didn't want a child, was upfront about this and is now dealing with the situation with you. Is he a good partner in other ways? This would influence me a lot.

"I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!"

What other issues? These are relevant.

If he is just a nice guy not ready to be a dad yet, then I really think I would cut him some slack here and stay together if you wish to for a while longer to see if his feelings for his dd grow. However, if he had other issues which are serious, I would seriously consider ending things.

It really sounds like his own dad leaving and having to help with his younger siblings has made him feel very unhappy/conflicted/unable etc to engage in being a dad now.

The only way he will really get beyond this is if he works these things out for himself and makes a conscious choice to move forward.

I know I say it a lot, but counselling does make a difference to how people see themselves and their lives and how they can move on. It is not cheap but what price could he put on knowing his daughter one day, or rather not knowing her!

He might be able to access cheaper counselling by offering to be helped by trainees on a counselling course, I believe as the counselors are in the process of being trained, there may well have oversight etc from experienced counselors, but do get him to check this.

If you are happy with him, if he treats you well and if you want this to work, I would personally give him some time to work this through and if he is willing to do this it would show you that he is serious about you (which could lead to him loving his daughter and developing a relationship with her).

Whether he stay with you, and you stay with him, or not, he can still consider counselling to move beyond these feelings about his daughter.

You are under no obligation, ever, to stay with him. You know this.

Keeping in touch with his mum and allowing her to be the grandmother she is, may help one day in facilitating a relationship between your dd and her dad.

Good luck.

PS some new mums struggle to bond and mums get a number of 'extra' months when they can potentially begin to bond with their baby, which dads may not. My dh was very keen to be a dad and thought he would be very interested in the pregnancy etc. But he was very uninterested in my pregnancy. Luckily when dd arrived he was able to bond with her instantly. I was very ill for a couple of weeks and in some ways he may have started to bond with her before I did.

When we adopted I think I bonded quicker with our son than my dh did, but we both got there!

If he was dead against a child ever, he should have had a vasectomy.

His dad left when he was young and he helped with his younger brothers.

Perhaps this has messed up his thinking. You'd be suprised how these things happen. It could be his fear of being a failure of a father.

Can you get him to seek counselling.

Sandy would you tell a woman she should have had her tubes tied or a hysterectomy if she didn't want children?! Fuckn ridiculous

"He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together!"
Well obviously he's lying about doing whatever you ask - you are asking him to be a father and he refused. What a headfuck he is.

You can't be 'together' - not the way he means, the way you were before. Life has changed, and he either has to accept that change of go away and stop messing with your head.

You say you love him - that won't last. Love without respect - well, it dies. You'll watch him ignore your baby and you'll despise him for it and the scales will just fall from your eyes and you will look at him and wonder who this stranger is, he looks so like someone you once loved . And at that point he won't be able to manipulate you any more and you will be free to find a man who will love you and your child.

He's a really good boyfriend in general. He's not particularly immature for his age or anything, doesn't really go out often, calls when he says he will. He works and was/is supportive of my plans to go to uni, currently postponed for a year!
His brothers are great with their niece, they're 19 and 16! I met him through the 19 year old as we went to school together.
I've mentioned counselling before and he wasn't keen, he's saying he'll do anything now though!
I'm thinking I might say it's over between us, but if he gets counselling and continues to see our daughter to work on his relationship with her, we might be able to sort things out! It's so hard though, if he's here I'll find it hard us not being together and I know he'll want it!

That's the thing he will do anything I ask, he just can't make himself feel it!!
I can't help but feel it's not his fault! It would be easier for him to walk away from us both, he's a good looking guy, he will easily get another girlfriend.
I don't think he's playing games or messing with me, when he says he loves me, I do believe it's genuine!

Sandy to suggest 23 year old men have vasectomies because they don't currently want kids is really a bit silly. Do you really think the OP wishes her dp had had a vasectomy?

user1465649950 "My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar ( that's a load of other issues though )
And I don't want that for my daughter!"

that's a load of other issues though - are these issues with your parents or are they issues with your partner?

Can you read up on bonding and see how you may be able to facilitate it a little?

www.babycentre.co.uk/a1013021/how-dads-bond

My dh did all the bathing as I was breast feeding and could not express, so feeling was off. I also found swimming with baby, was great fun and with our adopted son (adopted at three) swimming together was a great way to begin to bond.

so feeding was off

My mum got Pg with me as soon as they were married and my mum said my dad was jealous of me whilst I was a baby. However, he became the most doting father ever to me and my siblings.

Give him a chance. Enjoy your baby and hopefully he'll fall in love with her soon.

OP, just to reiterate, this is completely normal. Dads often do take longer to bond with their babies and research suggests one in ten actually suffer full blown depression after birth.

This is probably the worst place to ask as you are instantly going to be jumped on by the LTB crowd who tend to lurk here and don't tend to have much perspective or look at the bigger picture.

Your baby is very small and you are happy otherwise. Give it some time. Three months is not long at all. If he continues to fail to bond a year down the line then reconsider. But having a baby is a massive change for both of you. His reactions so far are not massively out of the ordinary. 3 months in is really, really too soon to be writing off his relationship with his daughter and yours with him as a result. Hell, a lot of mothers don't even feel bonded by 3 months. Not having an immediate bond with your baby is actually normal and common and doesn't necessarily mean that the long term relationship will be poor.

Sorry I don't know how to do the quoting! The issues are with my parents, yes not him. And it's nothing bad!
I'm breastfeeding too, but he did skin on skin and does bathtime on the nights he's here, he will wind and change her and if she's restless he'll take her down stairs so I can sleep, he plays guitar so I encourage him to play to her. He'll do most of these without me asking now. But he doesn't really talk to her or make eye contact, play with or be silly, that kind of thing! If he knows I'm watching he'll try, but it's forced!

I think in the long run it is not possible for you to be together with him feeling this way, it would be too painful for all of you. It might be a good idea to do what you mentioned above...not exactly end things with finality but get him to focus on his relationship with his daughter for now. That will be the key to his future with you. I hope he does go to counselling.

Do you think he resents the baby for disrupting his life plan...? Maybe bonding with her would mean letting go of some of that and he isn't ready to...? Perhaps he needs to let himself think that his dd could bring good things into his life, and while there may be things he finds hard about it, they are not her fault in any way. This is the cheapest armchair psychology...just thinking out loud. It would be odd though, when he wants to be with you, so it is not as if he is trapped in the relationship.

user1465649950 I am glad the problems are not with your partner. I wonder if one 'issue' is that he is being honest here, it would be easy (maybe) for him to lie.

Watch the movie 'Nine Months' with Hugh Grant. YES I know it is not real life. It is quite funny and it is based on a man not wanting to be a dad. At the end of the movie ... OK I won't spoil the ending.

I know this is your life, not a movie, but I really think a bit of patience here is needed.

Maybe it will not come right, but I do think you owe it to yourself, and to your baby, to give this a chance.

You may one day find a man who loves you and even who loves your baby as if she were his own. But your chance to be with the man you love (I am assuming you really do?), and your baby's dad, is now.

Let him give it his all. Try not to second guess what he is thinking too much.

I don't think this is about bonding. The bf didn't want kids he doesn't want to bond he is telling the op he only wants her not the baby.

I would be wondering what he was going to pull out of the bag to make dd disappear. I certainly wouldn't feel safe ever leaving her alone with him.

I think the op is wasting her time and has moved on with the next stage of her life. The father has not and by the time, if he ever does decide to play happy families the op will be married to someone else and probably have another child.

This guy sounds like a lot of good looking young men who say they don't want children. Some grow up and settle down with families and some become the ones for who end up old and alone and propping some bar up

It is really hard to play with or talk to a 3m old baby. You get little back. They are quite boring.

I agree with Bill.

If you feel your life is better with him than without, stay and give him a chance. A year or two down the line you'll have a better idea of how good it his relationship with her is.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having a newborn baby to look after, especially when you're so young, is hard anyway, without this too.

It sounds to me like he spent his childhood trying to be 'Dad' to his brothers and doesn't want the responsibility all over again. Unfortunately he has some, whether he likes it or not now, even if it ends up being purely financial.

I think you are right, he does love you and he has been honest with you from the start. He's not pretending to want, or be, anything he isn't. That's something you can work with.

He is being helpful to you and doing as you ask and is gradually doing things without being asked. He treats her kindly if not lovingly. It's ok in the short term.

He does have to go and get some counselling though. His thinking is messed up. He can't be with you and not be a Dad to your DD. That's difficult enough when the bloke isn't the Dad, but the fact that he is will screw your DD up big time.

Your DD is only 3 months and has plenty of people who love her and give her what she needs emotionally right now. You have a small window of opportunity for him to go and get help and see if he can sort his head out.

He's only 23 with a father who abandoned him. I think he deserves a chance to sort himself out, if you're willing to do that. People saying LTB and it'll never work I think might be forgetting his age and childhood.

I hope he can work it out & you can be happy together, all three of you. But if he can't, move on and don't look back. You are young. Plenty of time to meet someone who will love her like their own.

If you stay together your dauaghter will notice how he doesn't love her...knowing your parent doesn't love you is opne of the hardest things to deal with, as a child, and as an adult. The realisation that my mum didn't want me, or love me left me with huge issues around relationships and love. We have spoken nfor over 20yrs.

At the end of the day, you and your dp aren't important in this, your dd is! Please don't expose her to someone who couldn't care less about her, it's too damaging.

You're saying 'Oh, he's a good looking guy who will easily walk away from us and get another girlfriend'. He has had a baby with YOU. He still wants to be there. Stop putting yourself down. You sound a little depressed. You sound vulnerable. Please don't make any big decisions right now. Don't let yourself be influenced by the LTB vampires.

My husband struggled at the beginning. He never wanted children but knew I did so we decided to try. I've had some problems since the birth and that put a major stress on our relationship. He really didn't enjoy the baby for quite a while but I needed him to do a lot to help which gradually enabled a fantastic bond between the two of them.

Now my baby is 6 months and they both love each other. I think it helps when the baby does more like smiling and laughing. It makes it easier to interact and you end up spending your day trying to get another laugh.

Even though I was worried, I didn't put too much pressure on him to bond. I reassured him that I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at times and that the baby cries on me too!

I think I'd give him a chance. He might need to find his feet. With a dad that walked out on him, he's got no role model to follow and perhaps is worried how to have a relationship. I think men can get overlooked when it comes to being a new parent as it's mainly the mum that does the bulk of the work but men have their worries too. It sounds as though you both want to be together and you've got his family's support. I'd start by talking about his concerns and perhaps see if there's anything you can work on together.

I think telling the op that this is normal is damaging. Those doing this are missing the parts where the boyfriend doesn't want to be the babies dad, he doesn't want to be a father AT ALL!! This isn't the "baby blues" where he was proactive during the pregnancy, or was excited initally. This isn't a man who is jealous, or who is stugging with new responsibilities. This is a man who wants his girlfriend, and not his daughter, THAT is NOT normal.

"LTB Vampires"

different a lot of men at his age aren't thinking about children and haven't started thinking about them in their future yet. Not everybody who gets pregnant (make or female) instantly thinks 'Woo hoo, this is great'.

This is a young man who wasn't planning children at the moment. He's stayed. He loves the OP and treats her well. He helps with the baby and is bonded as far as he wants DD to be safe.

It's TOTALLY normal. If he continues to behave like this when DD is bigger that's a cause for concern. But for man who admits he isn't naturally paternal to feel like this at 4 months is totally fucking normal.